WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

"Look!" said The Penguin. "I brought you this lovely bottle of cognac brandy."

"Brandy," sighed The Pirate. "She's a fine girl."

"No, a drink. A French drink, I think. I went to a lot of trouble to get it for you"

"Arrgh, she was a Russian lass. Met her in Taganrog. What a good wife she would have been."

"That saucy barmaid? Are you pining after that saucy wench? I thought you missed me, your friend," cried The Penguin.

"I told her--my life--my lover and my lady--is the sea."

"So what are you saying?" said The Penguin. "This grief is not for me?"

"You're here," said The Pirate. "She's serving a hundred ships a day on a western bay."

"I spent a week as a can of sardines on account of you!"

"She wears a locket with my picture."

"Really? Where did you steal the locket from?'

"Not important. They got over it," said The Pirate. "But I am glad to see you. Let's have that bottle, then."

"I'm not so sure," said The Penguin. "What kind of friend are you?"

"You are my best friend," insisted The Pirate. "You made me grow a heart. Now I remember that Barmaid and how wonderfully saucy she was."

"So it's my fault you miss her more than me."

"Arrg. She loved me. Or at least my sailors stories."

"Don't you want to hear about my adventures inside of Rex's stomach? And how we broke out?"

"Do you think maybe my heart is broken?" wondered The Pirate aloud.

The Penguin wondered quietly if maybe it was his that was broken.

A MOPING PIRATE

While the Monkey prepared to return the Princess's crown, The Penguin, fresh from Rex's stomach, rushed to find his friend The Pirate, to tell him he was all right and bring him the cognac to celebrate.

He was surprised to see his friend looking very sad. "He must have missed me very much. He really is my good friend," thought The Penguin, whose recent ordeals now seemed all worthwhile.

"I'm back!" he called. "Things will be all right now. I brought you a present, too!"

IT'S A BREAKOUT!

The Monkey took his hammer and pounded his way out of Rex's stomach, bringing the others along with him.

Rex was mortified that something he had greedily consumed should be used against him in this way. That should be a lesson to all very large creatures with very small brains.

EVERYONE HOLD ON

The Monkey was able to figure out how to work the Emergency Hammer. "Everyone hold on," he ordered, placing his tail around The Penguin, who held on tight to the bottle. The French Chef Salt stood behind, holding his fur and said, "Apres vous, le deluge."

"Put the bottle down and grab the crown," The Monkey barked.

"Wouldn't The Princess be just as happy with a nice meal topped by cognac?"

"No! Now--one--two--three!"

He turned on the Emergency Hammer and aimed for the stomach wall.

TUMMY TROUBLE

Suddenly, Rex paused in his eating as something truly out of the ordinary was occurring in his tummy.

CAN ANYONE READ THIS SIGN?

The Monkey introduced himself to The French Chef Salt and began discussing escape possibilities.


"I can put the salt on the tail," said The French Chef.

"Yes, but we first have to get to the tail," said The Monkey.

"Ah, oui. Dommage," said The French Chef.

The Penguin looked around at what else Rex had swallowed. "Can anyone read this sign?" he asked.

A PAUSE FOR SEPTEMBER 11

The puppets and I hope that you will take the time to remember all the real bravery and sacrifice we saw this day seven years ago and all the days since then. It's a good day to hug someone.

LOOK OUT!!!!!

Oh dear. Rex accidentally (hah!) swallowed The Monkey, too. Such a danger to stand anywhere next to Rex.

HOW BAD WOULD IT BE??!!

"SACRE BLEU!" cried the French Chef Salt, who had been inadvertently gobbled off a dinner table by Rex. "You do NOT have sardines with fine cognac. Nevair! Horrible! " He arose from the stomach floor and grabbed the bottle away from The Penguin. "I do not care about your silly crown, in my country we remove the crowns with the heads anyway, but I do care about good cognac."

"Um--maybe just a sip by itself, then?" pleaded the Penguin.

The French Chef Salt thought a moment. "You help me out of here, take me with that crown and back to my kitchen, I will make you a meal you will not forget and cognac apres. D'accord?"

"I pray da core, sure," agreed The Penguin, not at all certain what it was he was really saying at all.

THE PENGUIN'S QUANDARY

"Go on, you deserve a little reward," whispered The Devil, who enjoyed visiting in Rex's stomach whenever he could. ""What's the hurry with that crown? The Princess is getting along fine without it."

"I could just have a nice little drink all to myself," thought The Penguin. "It's good to have a little quiet time, even if it is in a slimy stomach."

Waddles, the Penguin Angel--who did not like visiting Rex's stomach at all, made an emergency trip to offer advice: "Leave the bottle now. Get the crown now. Bring it back right away. Then you can have quiet time."

The Devil--as he will-- offered different advice: "Think of how much better you'll feel if you reward yourself first. You know how things are."

Waddles countered: "You know how things are when you hang out with The Pirate. Things don't have to be that way. You can be better than that."

"The Pirate is your friend," The Devil insisted. "He can't help it if he's exciting and selfish."

"If he's such a friend," said Waddles, "why did you get turned into a can of sardines?"

"It's The Monkey's fault," sneered The Devil. "They had the crown. I just offered them a nice banana and they forgot all about it."

"Don't you let him tempt you like he did with the Monkeys," said Waddles.

The Penguin thought a moment, and wondered how bad would it be if he asked for some sardines to go with the booze?

BLINDED BY THE BOTTLE

"Maybe I should just taste it first to see if The Pirate would like it?" thought The Penguin, whose friendship with The Pirate has been something of a one-way street. Kind of like a gangplank.

Let's hope he leaves the tasting for later and goes exploring just a little more.

IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST

As he made his descent, The Penguin's eyes began to adjust in the dim light given off by the green phosphorescent slime inside of Rex's stomach. It was an interesting array of items indeed that the dinosaur ingested that had not yet broken down. Was there anything he did not regard as food?

Then the Penguin saw a bottle he mght be able to bring back to his friend, The Pirate.

MEANWHILE, BACK INSIDE OF REX....

The Penguin continues his unintentional quest to help find the Princess's crown.

TURN THAT CLOWN UPSIDE DOWN

I have heard of a hung jury, but never of a hung attorney, said Pinocchio, who was telling the truth for a refreshing change.

"In my land, there is saying: "Hanging is too good for him," said The Brave.

"But it's the best we can do for you for now," Kasper added.

Take me down or I'll sue!

"We'll send your lawyer Vaden if we see him," said Kasper.

"Look out for Bear," said The Brave, as they left once more to find some peace in the night before setting out to find the Princess's crown.

WELL, LAW-DE-DA

Here's how it works: I make a lot of phone calls and draft a lot of letters but I don't tell you what's in them so you don't have to worry while you are out looking for the Princess's crown.

"How did you know we were looking for the Princess's crown?' asked Kasper.

"Yes, How?" asked The Brave.

Everybody wants the Princess's crown. Or The Princess. So you have no worry while I charge you money.

"That makes me worry," said Kasper.

I am going to write a long letter to The Bear and tell him he has disturbed your peace with the big smell. For that I bill an hour.

"He did apologize, there's no need," said Kasper.

Then he kept you up when you were trying to sleep. I'll phone him. That's another hour.

"You are keeping us up when we want to sleep," Kasper argued. "Can I charge you an hour for that?"

Ha-ha-ha! You remind me of the client I had in Firenza, who never stop talking. I love him! That's another hour.

"How?" asked The Brave.

You make me think about your case a lot, and that takes time. I have to research the case of the Bears who invaded Sicily to see how I can use it for your case.

"We have no case!" said The Brave.

That is for me to decide, as your lawyer.

Can we fire you now?" Kasper asked.

What? And lose your case against The bear? What are you, crazy?

NO REST YET

The Brave led Kasper to what he thought would be a safe place in the woods. The Brave was admired for his vast knowledge of tracking and trapping, and all things related to living outdoors. There was, however, something unexpected. That was Pinocchio.

I think you have a very good case against The Bear and I would like to represent you. You know, back in Italy, I was famous for successfully suing Bears from Sicily to Milano.

"How?" said The Brave.

I tell-a you how, said Pinocchio. First we discuss my fee.

SOME LOSSES

There is a tradition in my family--
not a good tradition--
where someone says, most protectively, "Let me hold onto that for you." Or "I'll just hold this here for you so it's safe."

The result, from jewelry to real estate, has always been the same: sayonara.

So it is with Kasper and The Brave's provisions. As they fled The Bear's distinctive gassiness, they heard The Bear call after them: "I'll hold your food here for you! It'll be safe with me!"

Kasper and The Brave, at least, knew immediately what took me longer to learn in life: once the bear gets his hands on it, it's gone.

They went in search of a quiet place to rest until morning.

TIME TO MOVE CAMP

The Brave and Kasper were fully awakened now by The Bear. They looked at him and asked, "was that you?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?" said The Bear. "It must have been something I ate."

"What do you think it was?" Kasper asked.

"I have no idea," said The Bear. "I follow a very strict diet. I eat only garbage I find at camp sites." He saw their bag of supplies. "Anything rotting in there might settle the tummy?"

Another gust passed through, and the campfire flared up. "Whew!" said The Bear, holding his nose. "You two might want to get upwind from me."

A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC

Kasper woke a little from his dreaming and whispered to The Brave, "Do you hear anything?"

But The Brave was deep in untroubled sleep, as he had come a long way from Montana, and there was nothing too unusual about the sound or smell of a bear there.

Until The Bear passed wind.

THE START OF A LONG NIGHT

The Brave built a fire and they slept around it by Skein Rock, but their food was not secure.

The Bear smelled their food and found them in The Forest.

HAVE POW-WOW NOW?

In The Forest on the outskirts of The Kingdom, Kasper met The Brave at night by Skein Rock.
"Good to see you, my friend," said Kasper.
"How!" said The Brave.
"Who!" said The Owl who lived in the Tree above Skein Rock.
"What was that?" Kasper asked.
"How!" repeated the Brave.
"Whooo!" insisted The Owl.
"Whatever," said Kasper. "Let's get down to business. We have to find The Pirate."
"How!" said The Brave.

"I was hoping you would have some ideas," said Kasper. "You remember I told you about The Princess?"

"Whooo?" asked The Owl.

Maybe we should start fresh and review in the morning, Kasper thought. At this rate, it could be a long night.

THE BRAVEST BRAVE

This is Kasper's friend, The Brave. Kasper is now calling him to come in from Montana to the Kingdom to help track down The Pirate, so they can help The Princess. The Brave has special tracking techniques, and luckily, Montana is not as far from The Kingdom as you might think.

The Brave spends most of his time hunting, fishing, riding horses and watching suckers gamble.

His favorite show is Dancing With The Squaws.

MORE LYING

"I want to help you," said Kasper, " but I feel I need to know more. I feel there is something you're not telling me."

"Like what?" murmured The Princess.

"I'm not sure. I just sense you're holding back."

"I never hold back," said The Princess, ruefully, thinking it might not be a terrible idea to hold back now and then, especially when it came to dalliances with pirates. Or The Pirate.

"What are you thinking?" Kasper asked.

"Nothing," she asserted, uncertainly.

"Is there a sea monster?"

"Maybe."

"Did you go swimming with your crown?"

"I have gone swimming with my crown. I'm not sure that's how I lost it."

"Could you give me a better idea of how you did?"

How could she tell this upstanding puppet just how far she had fallen with The Pirate, from her mathematical calculations, about 90 degrees from upright? The excitement had all turned to worry and shame. But she did not want Kasper to think ill of her.

"I was ambushed by The Pirate--and he ravished me!" she blurted out. "It was horrible!"

Horrible? The thrill of it suffused her anew, and luckily, she blushed.

"That blackguard!" Kasper exclaimed. "I'll track him down and teach him a lesson."

Oh, dear, she thought. This could get very messy.

"Thank you so very much, you are so kind and brave," she replied.

"I'll show you Brave!" said Kasper.

BIGGER AND BIGGER

"I went out to The Lake," the Princess lied, finding it surprisingly easy, much easier than telling the truth, "and when I was swimming, a large Sea Monster frightened me and make me drop my crown in the water. I'm sure he's eaten it by now."

"Is that right?' said Kasper. "What kind of Sea Monster was it?"

"At least 10 feet tall. Maybe even 15 feet. So scary. I was concerned for my very life. He may have been as large as 20 feet tall."

"The Princess is very brave," said Kasper, gallantly. "What happened next?"

"I don't recall, because I fainted," said The Princess.

"In the water?" Kasper asked. "You could have drowned."

"It wasn't a deep faint, just a light faint," she claimed. "A faint faint."

"Did anyone else see the Sea Monster?"

"I couldn't tell, because I close my eyes when I swim."

"Then how did you see the Sea Monster?" asked Kasper.

"I opened them for just a moment. Don't ask so many questions and just help me!" she cried.

THE NOSE KNOWS

While The Princess is debating not only whether to lie, but which lie will be the most effective--something she learned from her late mother, The Queen--Kasper wants to let everyone know that he is on to her, and wishes only to help his King.

YOU KNOW HOW TO VASSEL, DON'T YOU?

"How may I help you, my Princess?" asked Kasper, responding to The King's request.

I need to retrieve my crown," she answered, opening wide her azure princessy peepers and batting the royal lids alluringly. "But I hesitate to cause you any trouble ."

"No trouble is too great for my Princess," he assured her, in a way that made her believe he meant it and made the royal heart go pit-a-pat.

Do I tell him the truth? Or do I take him to the lake and make him think we are looking for my crown there? she wondered.

THE SNEAKY PRINCESS

"I am deeply disappointed you have lost your crown," said The King. "But the question is what to do about it? Can you go and look in the lake where you were swimming?"

"Father, I fear that some sea monster will have eaten it by now. It may be best to make a new one."

"Not until we have done everything to find yours, first. Can you retrace your steps with the help of my trusted vassel, Kasper?"

"I can, of course, as you wish," said The Princess.

"I will summon him now to come," said The King. "I would ask either The Sailor or The Magician to help you, but they seem to have gone off on some high-level mission without telling me."

"I wonder what that could be?" lied The Princess. "I'm sure it's important."

MEANTIME, BACK AT THE PALACE

While The Penguin goes on his fantastic journey to the center of Rex's stomach, which is a vast empire in itself, let us see what has happened with The Princess, who had been avoiding her father, The King. If you recall, she did not want him to know she had tarried with The Pirate and had her crown snatched away.

She could not avoid him forever, though....

OF COURSE I WOULD MIND

"Of course I would mind going back in," said The Penguin.

"I don't mind at all," said Rex. "Shove him in. I'm hungry."

"How unusual," said The Monkey.

"I think I may have lost some weight," said Rex. "I'm not sure I'm eating enough. "

"And I am not entirely thrilled with this conversation," said The Penguin. "Can we just give him some ipecac?"

"Just get in there and bring out whatever you find!" The Monkey ordered.

"Yummy tummy, down the hatch!" said Rex.

"Watch the teeth," said The Penguin.

"He gulps his food, " The Monkey assured him. "Most very large puppets with very small brains don't chew."

"I may have to re-think my friendship with that Pirate," said The Penguin, as he slipped down Rex's throat.

YES, HE HAD NO BANANAS

"Stop worrying," said The Monkey. "You're safe now."

"I'm worried," said The Penguin.

"There, there," said The Monkey.

"Have you ever seen the inside of a Dinosaur stomach? It's a nightmare!" said The Penguin.

"It's not a nightmare, it's an organ," said The Monkey, adding "I've been around organs my whole life."

"I'm telling you, I saw the Devil himself in there," said The Penguin.

"You did? Did he have any bananas?"

"Yes, he had no bananas," said The Penguin, "but he had this strange pointy crown."

"He did?" The Monkey thought a moment. "Would you mind going back in there?"

REX REDUX UPCHUX

The Penguin emerged from Rex's gullet, with his habitual worried expression.

"I think there's some metal left in Rex's gut," he warned.

"That's probably just the remains of the sardine can," said The Monkey.

"Arrrrrrrgh," said Rex.

"Is the Pirate in there, too?" asked The Penguin.

"No, we found him," said The Monkey.

"Arrrrrrrgh,"repeated Rex.

"There's something definitely wrong," said The Penguin. We need to find out."

ON TONIGHT'S MENU--REGRET

Sure enough, it would appear The Monkey's plan is working. Rex looks quite queasy.....

REX REDUX

"What we will need," said The Monkey, "Is a very large puppet with a very small brain. That type tends to eat anything, because it is never satisfied, no matter how much it eats."

MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO

"Here's my idea," said The Monkey. "Let's get someone to eat the rotting sardines, like we drank the bad beer, and they'll throw them up so The Penguin's spell will be broken. too."

"What do you mean, 'bad beer'?" asked The Pirate.

"Beer that tastes like Pirate juice," explained the Monkey. "Then, when you have your friend back, you'll be so grateful you'll help us find The Princess's crown so we can get it back to her."

"First things first," said The Pirate. "Who are you going to trick into eating rotting sardines?"

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

The argument over who could sue who was rudely interrupted by an overpowering stench. It was the kind of smell you get from fish that has been left out too long.

"That darn kitty punctured my top with her claws!" complained the can of sardines, which if you recall, was really the Pirate's friend, The Penguin, transformed by The Magician. "Thank goodness I found you!"

"Go AWAY!" said Darth Vaden and Pinocchio. "You're making us sick."

"How did you break the spell?" asked The Penguin.

"Arrrr, easy, I was regurgitated," said The Pirate.

"SHUT UP!" said Darth Vaden and Pinocchio, but because they were holding their noses, it sounded more like "What's for supper?"

"Eat me," pleaded The Penguin, getting closer to them.

Suddenly, Pinocchio and Darth Vaden disappeared, like ghosts. OK, one of them could be classified as a ghost already, but the point is, they ran away, leaving the Pirate and the Penguin (as stinky sardines) with the Monkeys.

"I have an idea!" said the Monkey.

TWO LEGAL EAGLETS

"Excuse me," said Darth Vaden, feeling queasier, "You are going to represent this Pirate against me? At the same time that I am working with you to help the Monkeys sue everyone who works for The Pirate?"

"It won't be a conflict," Pinocchio assured him. "Take my word, in a quarter century offering my legal expertise, I have not been wrong once!" He thought a moment. "I have not been wrong twice! At least not more than you!"

SILLY SUITS

As soon as The Pirate, restored to his usual shape, began to emerge from the Monkeys' gullets, he began to commandeer the story once more.

"Arrrgh! Pardon my aromas, hope they're not too strong. Say, Whitey," he meant Todd Vaden, of course, "You look like you smelled a ghost."

"He always has that expression, " explained Pinocchio, whose swollen nose kept him from experiencing the Monkey upchuck.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Vaden. "If I puke, too, I'm going to have to sue you."

"Sue over puke?" laughed The Pirate. "I'll sue you for looking at me funny."

"I'll take the case!" said Pinocchio.

THAR HE BLOWS!

The Monkeys puke out--The Pirate!

FEEL BETTER?

Perhaps "Darth" Vaden should relax--there would appear to be no chance the Monkeys will feel better soon. In fact, it looks as if--well, it looks as if we're going to see Monkey Puke!

MEET TODD, THE LITIGATOR

Can you sue someone else for your own stupidity? What a question, laughed Pinocchio. Let me introduce you to my litigator, Todd Vaden. We call him Darth Vaden, ha-ha!

Todd explained to the Monkeys they could launch lawsuits again the beer company, against the bottle manufacturer, and against the entire Bridge of Misery maintenance crew.

"For what?" asked the Monkey.

"Unspecified damages," Todd offered. "It's just to get more money."

The Monkeys were not comforted by this thought. Just the opposite. "We don't want money, we just want to feel better."

"Don't you dare feel better," Todd ordered, "if you know what's good for you, that is."

GOOD QUESTION

The Monkeys, filled with the bitter brew that was The Pirate in liquid form, asked, biliously:

"Can we sue someone else for own own stupidity? Has this ever been done before?"

DID SOMEBODY ASK FOR A LAWYER?

Oh, the poor Monkeys.

You know, back in Italy I was known as the best lawyer--or avocado, which is a kind of a greenish lawyer, very in vogue these days--that could be bought with the Lira. Now they have this funny kind of money they call the Euro. Sounds like trash, the Euro. You called for a lawyer? Here I am. I make time in my busy schedule for you. You want to make the will? Just leave everything to me. Really, I mean it. Just leave everything to me. I will take care of you. Don't listen to what anyone else says, I am the only one who cares deeply about you. Just sign all your rights to me. Bene. Now--who do we sue first? And for how much?

DRUNK MONKEYS

You could see this coming a nautical mile away.

A strange brew of Potable Pirate Pilsner Beer has permeated every pore of the two Monkeys.

"I can't move," moaned The Monkey.

"I just want to die," said his Mate. "Will I die?"

"If you're able to talk about it, you'll be all right," replied The Monkey.

"Will you hold my head? I think it's going to fall off," said his Mate.

"I'm busy holding my own head," said The Monkey.

"Call a lawyer, I think I should make out my will."

"Do I get all the bananas?"

"No."

"Then I'll get you a doctor."

TASTES A LITTLE SALTY

The Monkeys drank heartily from the bottle of beer, not knowing, of course, that it was really The Pirate transformed by The Magician.

"Does it taste a little salty to you?" asked the Monkey.

"I can't decide if it's more salty or more fishy," said his Mate. "Do you detect a slight flavor of rum?"

"Aye, Matey," said the Monkey, as the spirit of the Pirate entered his gullet. "Down the hatch!"

NOT SO FAST NOT SO FAST

The Monkey and his Mate did eat the Satanic Banana--they're only simian, after all--which made them forget about The poor Princess's Crown. By the time they had finished the delicious banana, the crown was missing, and they realized they had to go back into the depths of The Pirate's Lair under the Bridge of Misery to find it again.

They were surprised that neither The Pirate nor his friend, The Penguin, could be seen anywhere.

What they did see, however, was a bejeweled bottle of beer, hanging over a ledge. The Monkeys were now quite thirsty, so they thought they'd just go and grab the bottle....

NOT SO FAST

As The Magician attempts to extricate The Sailor from his greed and vanity, The Pirate, still under the Magician's spell, watches from above, and prepares to crush them rather than allow them to escape.

TO THE RESCUE

The Magician is horrified to find a noble Sailor of The King's Navy held this way.

"I am so ashamed of myself," says The Sailor.

"You are held under a spell of greed and vanity," says The Magician. "It is a common affliction, very hard to overcome, usually becomes worse over time. Luckily, I can still reverse the spell, and we can leave."

"Can I take the pearls with me?"

"You are still under the spell, perhaps," The Magician warns.

"What about the matching earrings?"

"OK," says The Magician, "this will take some stronger magic."

IN CHAINS

The Sailor has become a prisoner of his own vanity, tempted by The Pirate with stolen loot. He sits alone, deep inside a chamber within the Pirate's Lair, under the Bridge of Misery.