NURSE MARTHA EXPLAINS IT ALL

"You mean, where will we honeymoon?" asked Dr. Monkey.

"I don't mind where we go, Paris would be nice--or maybe Costa Rica to see bananas growing. But no, I was thinking more about the 5-year, 10-year, 15-year plans we could make."

"What about 20-year plans?"

"I have something in mind for that, too," said Nurse Martha. "But I thought I'd leave a little something for you."

"Well, let's start with the 5-year-plan," said Dr. Monkey.

"All right. That Mr. Pinocchio patient? Let's get the rights to his medical history right away."

"But doesn't he have the rights to that?"

"We've got a puppet with no spine! We can get them!"

"But how?" asked Dr. Monkey.

"I'll tell you how," said Nurse Martha.

MONKEYS PAWS

"I would like to make you the happiest monkey in the world," said Dr. Monkey.

"I think I am the happiest monkey in the word right now," said Nurse Martha. "But tell me more of what you have in mind?"

"I think you are the monkey's paw and would like it in marriage, to start."

"Sounds good. Then what?"

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD

Dr. Monkey opened the door and ran into the arms of Nurse Martha, and she into his. "You are so correct," he said, "proposing muzzle to muzzle is much nicer."

THE ABSENT-MINDED MONKEY

"I knew I was forgetting something! Hang on!"

NURSE MARTHA'S REQUEST

"I shall accept your proposal if you will please open the door and repeat it to my face!"

BACK AT DR. MONKEY'S OFFICE

"In that case," said Dr. Monkey, "Let me take a moment before we see this Pinocchio to tell you how much I admire you, not just as a nurse, but as a monkey."

"Doctor," said Nurse Martha, "before you continue, I must ask something of you."

"No, please, let me finish," said Dr. Monkey."I would like us to be mates and groom each other forever. There! Now I've said it! Now tell me what you would like to say?"

ADDICTED TO LITIGATION

"Maybe I can-a look through some-a charts and see what kind of-a trouble I can cause."

Nurse Martha--not being the addictive type herself-- did not factor in that some puppets actually could form an addiction to suing, because the potential reward gave them a sense of euphoria, of power over other puppets. Perhaps a combination of excitement over the large sums demanded, of satisfaction for the various wrongs in one's life, whether they are specific to the case of not. The legal system allows puppets to start lawsuits that can take years to prove are without merit. In the meantime, oh, the joy of causing trouble!

BE SILLY

Actually, Nurse Martha had it a little wrong, as the patient (or rather, now impatient) Pinocchio has litigation utmost on his mind.

I know-a I hoped she would take-a her time, but now I can start-a to think-a about the lawsuits for leaving me-a here with my-a suffering, he thought, neglecting that there was no actual suffering.

DON'T BE SILLY

"Danger? No, he seems to be doing fine without his spine, and he certainly doesn't seem the type to go suing anyone for malpractice."

DOCTOR MONKEY'S THOUGHTS

Dr. Monkey collected himself. "You are so much more than my nurse, Nurse Martha," he said. "You must know that."

He thought maybe this was the time to say how he really felt, but wondered maybe if he should first ask one more question.

"Um--you're sure the patient isn't in immediate danger?"

A QUASI-MEDICAL QUESTION

"Can I still be your nurse when you're rich and famous?" asked Nurse Martha.

NOT WASTING A MOMENT

Visions of fame and fortune flashed through Dr. Monkey's mind at this intelligence. Not just the TV shows, but the articles and books. What title for the first? "I've Got Your Back Back?" "Dr. Monkey's Guide to Better Posture?" "Don't Do The Crime If You Don't Have The Spine?"

AN EXULTANT ANSWER

"Like both of them, with maybe a little Dr. Demento to boot! The Patient lost his spine and needs you to get his back back!"

PROBING QUESTIONS

"My question really meant--is the patient's life in danger?" said Dr. Monkey. "And did you mean like Dr. Phil or more like Sanjay Gupta?

THE NATURE OF THE EMERGENCY

"It's the kind of emergency that can make you a celebrity doctor and get on a lot of television shows!"

THE DOCTOR PAUSES

"An emergency?" said Doctor Monkey. "What kind of emergency?"

NURSE MARTHA IN ACTION II

"O Doctor!" she said through the door, "I'm so sorry to disturb you when you're with another patient, but I think we have an emergency in the next room."

NURSE MARTHA IN ACTION

Nurse Martha did not take her time, she rushed to the next examination room where the Doctor was seeing another patient and knocked on the door.

WHILE THE NURSE IS AWAY--

"It feels so-a good to be able to stand up-a right,"
Pinocchio said to himself, hoping the nurse would take her time fetching the doctor.

THE EXAMINATION IV

"Oh, my goodness!" exclaimed Nurse Martha.

"What's-a the matter?" said Pinocchio. "You see-a my problem?"

"You have no backbone at all! I'm going to get the doctor in right now."

THE EXAMINATION III

"Well, let's have a look at your back," said Nurse Martha. "Does it hurt when you breathe?"

"It hurt-a when I breathe-a the air. Otherwise, is OK."

"Are you able to stand upright?"

"I can stand up only when no one else-a in the room."

THE EXAMINATION II

"I mean your description sounds as if you were up to no good. I have to wonder if maybe the cow was trying to stop you from doing something wrong?"

"She was the-a one doing something-a wrong." said Pinocchio.

THE EXAMINATION I

"How it-a happened?" Pinocchio repeated, looking at his shoes for inspiration. "Let me-a see. My colleague-a Carol Cowstanzo beg-a me to help her restore-a the house of the mean-a Little Red Riding Hood, because her sweet-a old Grandma wanted to give it to-a the Little Head Lying Good, because he go out every day and save-a the world."
"That's all very amusing," said Nurse Martha. "How exactly did that hurt your back?"
"Oh, right-a. The big-a stupid cow, she push me over on purpose. No-a apology, nothing."
"And why do you think she did that?"
"I think-a she wanted to take Little Red Riding Hood's goodies all for her-a self. If I was lying crippled on the-a ground, she could take it-a all."

"Well, what were you doing taking out the goodies?" asked Nurse Martha. "Did they belong to you?"

"What you-a mean?" asked Pinocchio, stalling for a little time to think.

SPEAKING OF DOCTORS--

Pinocchio has dutifully made his aching way to the doctor's office as Clarence suggested, to discuss his faux back injury. Luckily, the doctor has an excellent nurse who is quite clever at diagnosing ailments.

"Mr. Pinocchio? Please come in. I'm Nurse Martha and I'll just ask you a few questions before you see the doctor."

"Ow! My aching-a back!" cried Pinocchio, on cue.

"That's what we're going to take care of," she said, brightly. "Now, tell me what happened."

THE SHARK MAKES A JOKE

"And does The Evil Eye ever speak to you?" asked Giovanni Lento.
"He doesn't speak at all, he smiles at me and I smile back, of course, because I know what he wants me to do."
"You do?" What would that be?"
"Become so famous for my sharp legal skills that they name a TV show after me. You know, that's the real measure of success."

"Let me ask you this,"said Giovanni Lento, "could it be the real measure of success would be not so much the TV show about you, as the puppets you helped?"

"Helped how? You mean the puppets I helped sue?" asked Clarence. "I suppose."

"What puppets are you trying to help sue now?" asked the turtle.

"Leapin' dolphins, where to start?" said the shark. There are so many."

"Are you looking to sue me?" asked Giovanni Lento.

"I don't know you well enough yet, so don't flatter yourself" said Clarence, "but I'm sure I can think of something. Now, what were you going to tell me that was so confidential?"

"I know that I'm slow," said Giovanni Lento, but I think I must be getting on my way by myself. I thank you so much for your help earlier."

"Just remember most back injuries take a few days to really reach full bloom," said the Shark. I'll send a bill from my orthopedist."

"But you don't have bones," said the turtle.

Then you'll get one from my cartilagist! Ha-Ha! Great joke, huh?"

WHILE THE TURTLE THINKS...

Kwong and his Mate want to congratulate Bai Yun on the birth of her new baby giant panda in San Diego. Here's raising a stick of bamboo to you!

UPON REFLECTION

"I am so deeply flattered that you would think of me as The Evil Eye, not because I am of course, but because I would love to have the same powers."

"Have you ever seen The Evil Eye? Or known anyone who did?"

"Of course! I see his reflection when I'm swimming."

Giovanni Lento reflected a bit himself. What would be the next question to ask this delusional shark?

GIOVANNI PENSO

"Is there any chance--is it at all possible-- that you might be more describing yourself when you talk about the Evil Eye?"

THE SHARK IS OUTRAGED

"I insist that you take back what you said, and affirm at once that the Evil Eye is very very evil. Not just a little evil, not every now and then evil, but constantly, ubiquitously evil!"

Giovanni Lento wondered if his new friend The Shark perhaps needed something more evil than himself to discuss, and chose his words slowly--more so than usual--and carefully:

NOT SO EVIL?

"How dare you suggest The Evil Eye do anything to help?" Clarence scoffed. "Isn't it enough that he sees everything?"

"I don't think so, no," said Giovanni Lento. "I mean, it's a great idea and all, to be able to see what's going on and such, but it's not like the Evil Eye does anything at all--or is even that evil, frankly."


"This is an outrage," Clarence replied.

THE NEXT THOUGHT ON THE PENGUIN

That is one crazy Penguin.

But he will go ahead and try.

"You are telling me this Evil Eye sees all of this?" Giovanni Lento asked Clarence the Shark. "Why doesn't he do something to help?"