TIME TO MOVE CAMP

The Brave and Kasper were fully awakened now by The Bear. They looked at him and asked, "was that you?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?" said The Bear. "It must have been something I ate."

"What do you think it was?" Kasper asked.

"I have no idea," said The Bear. "I follow a very strict diet. I eat only garbage I find at camp sites." He saw their bag of supplies. "Anything rotting in there might settle the tummy?"

Another gust passed through, and the campfire flared up. "Whew!" said The Bear, holding his nose. "You two might want to get upwind from me."

A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC

Kasper woke a little from his dreaming and whispered to The Brave, "Do you hear anything?"

But The Brave was deep in untroubled sleep, as he had come a long way from Montana, and there was nothing too unusual about the sound or smell of a bear there.

Until The Bear passed wind.

THE START OF A LONG NIGHT

The Brave built a fire and they slept around it by Skein Rock, but their food was not secure.

The Bear smelled their food and found them in The Forest.

HAVE POW-WOW NOW?

In The Forest on the outskirts of The Kingdom, Kasper met The Brave at night by Skein Rock.
"Good to see you, my friend," said Kasper.
"How!" said The Brave.
"Who!" said The Owl who lived in the Tree above Skein Rock.
"What was that?" Kasper asked.
"How!" repeated the Brave.
"Whooo!" insisted The Owl.
"Whatever," said Kasper. "Let's get down to business. We have to find The Pirate."
"How!" said The Brave.

"I was hoping you would have some ideas," said Kasper. "You remember I told you about The Princess?"

"Whooo?" asked The Owl.

Maybe we should start fresh and review in the morning, Kasper thought. At this rate, it could be a long night.

THE BRAVEST BRAVE

This is Kasper's friend, The Brave. Kasper is now calling him to come in from Montana to the Kingdom to help track down The Pirate, so they can help The Princess. The Brave has special tracking techniques, and luckily, Montana is not as far from The Kingdom as you might think.

The Brave spends most of his time hunting, fishing, riding horses and watching suckers gamble.

His favorite show is Dancing With The Squaws.

MORE LYING

"I want to help you," said Kasper, " but I feel I need to know more. I feel there is something you're not telling me."

"Like what?" murmured The Princess.

"I'm not sure. I just sense you're holding back."

"I never hold back," said The Princess, ruefully, thinking it might not be a terrible idea to hold back now and then, especially when it came to dalliances with pirates. Or The Pirate.

"What are you thinking?" Kasper asked.

"Nothing," she asserted, uncertainly.

"Is there a sea monster?"

"Maybe."

"Did you go swimming with your crown?"

"I have gone swimming with my crown. I'm not sure that's how I lost it."

"Could you give me a better idea of how you did?"

How could she tell this upstanding puppet just how far she had fallen with The Pirate, from her mathematical calculations, about 90 degrees from upright? The excitement had all turned to worry and shame. But she did not want Kasper to think ill of her.

"I was ambushed by The Pirate--and he ravished me!" she blurted out. "It was horrible!"

Horrible? The thrill of it suffused her anew, and luckily, she blushed.

"That blackguard!" Kasper exclaimed. "I'll track him down and teach him a lesson."

Oh, dear, she thought. This could get very messy.

"Thank you so very much, you are so kind and brave," she replied.

"I'll show you Brave!" said Kasper.

BIGGER AND BIGGER

"I went out to The Lake," the Princess lied, finding it surprisingly easy, much easier than telling the truth, "and when I was swimming, a large Sea Monster frightened me and make me drop my crown in the water. I'm sure he's eaten it by now."

"Is that right?' said Kasper. "What kind of Sea Monster was it?"

"At least 10 feet tall. Maybe even 15 feet. So scary. I was concerned for my very life. He may have been as large as 20 feet tall."

"The Princess is very brave," said Kasper, gallantly. "What happened next?"

"I don't recall, because I fainted," said The Princess.

"In the water?" Kasper asked. "You could have drowned."

"It wasn't a deep faint, just a light faint," she claimed. "A faint faint."

"Did anyone else see the Sea Monster?"

"I couldn't tell, because I close my eyes when I swim."

"Then how did you see the Sea Monster?" asked Kasper.

"I opened them for just a moment. Don't ask so many questions and just help me!" she cried.

THE NOSE KNOWS

While The Princess is debating not only whether to lie, but which lie will be the most effective--something she learned from her late mother, The Queen--Kasper wants to let everyone know that he is on to her, and wishes only to help his King.

YOU KNOW HOW TO VASSEL, DON'T YOU?

"How may I help you, my Princess?" asked Kasper, responding to The King's request.

I need to retrieve my crown," she answered, opening wide her azure princessy peepers and batting the royal lids alluringly. "But I hesitate to cause you any trouble ."

"No trouble is too great for my Princess," he assured her, in a way that made her believe he meant it and made the royal heart go pit-a-pat.

Do I tell him the truth? Or do I take him to the lake and make him think we are looking for my crown there? she wondered.

THE SNEAKY PRINCESS

"I am deeply disappointed you have lost your crown," said The King. "But the question is what to do about it? Can you go and look in the lake where you were swimming?"

"Father, I fear that some sea monster will have eaten it by now. It may be best to make a new one."

"Not until we have done everything to find yours, first. Can you retrace your steps with the help of my trusted vassel, Kasper?"

"I can, of course, as you wish," said The Princess.

"I will summon him now to come," said The King. "I would ask either The Sailor or The Magician to help you, but they seem to have gone off on some high-level mission without telling me."

"I wonder what that could be?" lied The Princess. "I'm sure it's important."

MEANTIME, BACK AT THE PALACE

While The Penguin goes on his fantastic journey to the center of Rex's stomach, which is a vast empire in itself, let us see what has happened with The Princess, who had been avoiding her father, The King. If you recall, she did not want him to know she had tarried with The Pirate and had her crown snatched away.

She could not avoid him forever, though....

OF COURSE I WOULD MIND

"Of course I would mind going back in," said The Penguin.

"I don't mind at all," said Rex. "Shove him in. I'm hungry."

"How unusual," said The Monkey.

"I think I may have lost some weight," said Rex. "I'm not sure I'm eating enough. "

"And I am not entirely thrilled with this conversation," said The Penguin. "Can we just give him some ipecac?"

"Just get in there and bring out whatever you find!" The Monkey ordered.

"Yummy tummy, down the hatch!" said Rex.

"Watch the teeth," said The Penguin.

"He gulps his food, " The Monkey assured him. "Most very large puppets with very small brains don't chew."

"I may have to re-think my friendship with that Pirate," said The Penguin, as he slipped down Rex's throat.

YES, HE HAD NO BANANAS

"Stop worrying," said The Monkey. "You're safe now."

"I'm worried," said The Penguin.

"There, there," said The Monkey.

"Have you ever seen the inside of a Dinosaur stomach? It's a nightmare!" said The Penguin.

"It's not a nightmare, it's an organ," said The Monkey, adding "I've been around organs my whole life."

"I'm telling you, I saw the Devil himself in there," said The Penguin.

"You did? Did he have any bananas?"

"Yes, he had no bananas," said The Penguin, "but he had this strange pointy crown."

"He did?" The Monkey thought a moment. "Would you mind going back in there?"

REX REDUX UPCHUX

The Penguin emerged from Rex's gullet, with his habitual worried expression.

"I think there's some metal left in Rex's gut," he warned.

"That's probably just the remains of the sardine can," said The Monkey.

"Arrrrrrrgh," said Rex.

"Is the Pirate in there, too?" asked The Penguin.

"No, we found him," said The Monkey.

"Arrrrrrrgh,"repeated Rex.

"There's something definitely wrong," said The Penguin. We need to find out."

ON TONIGHT'S MENU--REGRET

Sure enough, it would appear The Monkey's plan is working. Rex looks quite queasy.....

REX REDUX

"What we will need," said The Monkey, "Is a very large puppet with a very small brain. That type tends to eat anything, because it is never satisfied, no matter how much it eats."

MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO

"Here's my idea," said The Monkey. "Let's get someone to eat the rotting sardines, like we drank the bad beer, and they'll throw them up so The Penguin's spell will be broken. too."

"What do you mean, 'bad beer'?" asked The Pirate.

"Beer that tastes like Pirate juice," explained the Monkey. "Then, when you have your friend back, you'll be so grateful you'll help us find The Princess's crown so we can get it back to her."

"First things first," said The Pirate. "Who are you going to trick into eating rotting sardines?"

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

The argument over who could sue who was rudely interrupted by an overpowering stench. It was the kind of smell you get from fish that has been left out too long.

"That darn kitty punctured my top with her claws!" complained the can of sardines, which if you recall, was really the Pirate's friend, The Penguin, transformed by The Magician. "Thank goodness I found you!"

"Go AWAY!" said Darth Vaden and Pinocchio. "You're making us sick."

"How did you break the spell?" asked The Penguin.

"Arrrr, easy, I was regurgitated," said The Pirate.

"SHUT UP!" said Darth Vaden and Pinocchio, but because they were holding their noses, it sounded more like "What's for supper?"

"Eat me," pleaded The Penguin, getting closer to them.

Suddenly, Pinocchio and Darth Vaden disappeared, like ghosts. OK, one of them could be classified as a ghost already, but the point is, they ran away, leaving the Pirate and the Penguin (as stinky sardines) with the Monkeys.

"I have an idea!" said the Monkey.

TWO LEGAL EAGLETS

"Excuse me," said Darth Vaden, feeling queasier, "You are going to represent this Pirate against me? At the same time that I am working with you to help the Monkeys sue everyone who works for The Pirate?"

"It won't be a conflict," Pinocchio assured him. "Take my word, in a quarter century offering my legal expertise, I have not been wrong once!" He thought a moment. "I have not been wrong twice! At least not more than you!"

SILLY SUITS

As soon as The Pirate, restored to his usual shape, began to emerge from the Monkeys' gullets, he began to commandeer the story once more.

"Arrrgh! Pardon my aromas, hope they're not too strong. Say, Whitey," he meant Todd Vaden, of course, "You look like you smelled a ghost."

"He always has that expression, " explained Pinocchio, whose swollen nose kept him from experiencing the Monkey upchuck.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Vaden. "If I puke, too, I'm going to have to sue you."

"Sue over puke?" laughed The Pirate. "I'll sue you for looking at me funny."

"I'll take the case!" said Pinocchio.

THAR HE BLOWS!

The Monkeys puke out--The Pirate!

FEEL BETTER?

Perhaps "Darth" Vaden should relax--there would appear to be no chance the Monkeys will feel better soon. In fact, it looks as if--well, it looks as if we're going to see Monkey Puke!

MEET TODD, THE LITIGATOR

Can you sue someone else for your own stupidity? What a question, laughed Pinocchio. Let me introduce you to my litigator, Todd Vaden. We call him Darth Vaden, ha-ha!

Todd explained to the Monkeys they could launch lawsuits again the beer company, against the bottle manufacturer, and against the entire Bridge of Misery maintenance crew.

"For what?" asked the Monkey.

"Unspecified damages," Todd offered. "It's just to get more money."

The Monkeys were not comforted by this thought. Just the opposite. "We don't want money, we just want to feel better."

"Don't you dare feel better," Todd ordered, "if you know what's good for you, that is."

GOOD QUESTION

The Monkeys, filled with the bitter brew that was The Pirate in liquid form, asked, biliously:

"Can we sue someone else for own own stupidity? Has this ever been done before?"

DID SOMEBODY ASK FOR A LAWYER?

Oh, the poor Monkeys.

You know, back in Italy I was known as the best lawyer--or avocado, which is a kind of a greenish lawyer, very in vogue these days--that could be bought with the Lira. Now they have this funny kind of money they call the Euro. Sounds like trash, the Euro. You called for a lawyer? Here I am. I make time in my busy schedule for you. You want to make the will? Just leave everything to me. Really, I mean it. Just leave everything to me. I will take care of you. Don't listen to what anyone else says, I am the only one who cares deeply about you. Just sign all your rights to me. Bene. Now--who do we sue first? And for how much?

DRUNK MONKEYS

You could see this coming a nautical mile away.

A strange brew of Potable Pirate Pilsner Beer has permeated every pore of the two Monkeys.

"I can't move," moaned The Monkey.

"I just want to die," said his Mate. "Will I die?"

"If you're able to talk about it, you'll be all right," replied The Monkey.

"Will you hold my head? I think it's going to fall off," said his Mate.

"I'm busy holding my own head," said The Monkey.

"Call a lawyer, I think I should make out my will."

"Do I get all the bananas?"

"No."

"Then I'll get you a doctor."

TASTES A LITTLE SALTY

The Monkeys drank heartily from the bottle of beer, not knowing, of course, that it was really The Pirate transformed by The Magician.

"Does it taste a little salty to you?" asked the Monkey.

"I can't decide if it's more salty or more fishy," said his Mate. "Do you detect a slight flavor of rum?"

"Aye, Matey," said the Monkey, as the spirit of the Pirate entered his gullet. "Down the hatch!"

NOT SO FAST NOT SO FAST

The Monkey and his Mate did eat the Satanic Banana--they're only simian, after all--which made them forget about The poor Princess's Crown. By the time they had finished the delicious banana, the crown was missing, and they realized they had to go back into the depths of The Pirate's Lair under the Bridge of Misery to find it again.

They were surprised that neither The Pirate nor his friend, The Penguin, could be seen anywhere.

What they did see, however, was a bejeweled bottle of beer, hanging over a ledge. The Monkeys were now quite thirsty, so they thought they'd just go and grab the bottle....

NOT SO FAST

As The Magician attempts to extricate The Sailor from his greed and vanity, The Pirate, still under the Magician's spell, watches from above, and prepares to crush them rather than allow them to escape.

TO THE RESCUE

The Magician is horrified to find a noble Sailor of The King's Navy held this way.

"I am so ashamed of myself," says The Sailor.

"You are held under a spell of greed and vanity," says The Magician. "It is a common affliction, very hard to overcome, usually becomes worse over time. Luckily, I can still reverse the spell, and we can leave."

"Can I take the pearls with me?"

"You are still under the spell, perhaps," The Magician warns.

"What about the matching earrings?"

"OK," says The Magician, "this will take some stronger magic."

IN CHAINS

The Sailor has become a prisoner of his own vanity, tempted by The Pirate with stolen loot. He sits alone, deep inside a chamber within the Pirate's Lair, under the Bridge of Misery.