HISTORY 6

"Why don't you just keep everything, that will be fine," I said. "You can go and deliver the goodies, I'll stay and take care of things here."

HISTORY 5

"You stole the Red outfit from me," Grandma said. "I don't blame you, I would have done the same, but it really belongs to me, do everything you do in it belongs to me, too."

It was then I began to realize that Grandma had changed.

HISTORY 4: WHOSE RED RIDING HOOD IS IT, ANYWAY?

"What do you mean, it's too small for me?" Grandma said. "I still wear a size six and I can fit into all my clothing. That red outfit suits me better, anyway."

"Grandma, I think the purple really suits you wonderfully now."

"Why do you insist on wearing my clothing?" she asked next.

I fumbled for an answer. "I think this is my clothing."

HISTORY 3

"I'll put on a Red Cape with a Hood and deliver them all over."

"But Grandma, I said, "That's what I do. People will be confused."

"No, they won't," she said, "They will think I am you."

"But we don't look the same."

"Give me your Red Riding Hood."

Then I made my Big Mistake. I said, "Grandma, don't be silly, my clothing is too small for you."

HISTORY 2

"One day as I was preparing to go out with a basket of goodies, Grandma came up to me and asked me not to deliver it.

"I want it for myself."

"I'll bring you your own basket of goodies this afternoon, all right?" I offered.

"I want all the baskets of goodies," she insisted.

"Grandma, what will you do with so many baskets of goodies?"

RED RIDING HOOD'S HISTORY 1

"Let me tell you the history of this house," said Little Red Riding Hood. "It was built many years ago by a dear lady my mother, Big Blue Riding Hood, used to bring baskets of goodies. This lady lived to a great old age and wanted only to live out her days in her house. She was able to do so, because my mother brought her baskets of goodies. The dear lady gave the house to my mother, as she had no children of her own.

When my own mother took ill, the job of delivering baskets of goodies fell to me, but I could not both deliver baskets of goodies and tend to my mother, so my grandmother came to help. At first she did, and it was fine. But that did not last."

WHERE IT LIES

"Yes, my home," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"You look much too young to be a grandma," said the U.B.

"I'm not a grandma," she said. "Who gave you that idea?"

Pinocchio jumped in: "I must have been completely misinformed! A lady down at the real estate office said it belonged to a sweet old grandma who wanted to sell it right away."

Little Red Riding Hood sighed. "There is a mistake, yes, but where it lies we must find out."

A FEW QUICK LIES

"That-a cat-a, he already-a got a dish of the latte," lied Pinocchio. "I gave it to-a him 'cause he go meow at me."



"So where is the dish?" asked Red Riding Hood.

"And when did you give it to him? We saw him only now," said the U.B.

"I'm getting him a saucer of milk and that's that," said Red Riding Hood. "May I bring you something as well?"

"No!" cried Pinocchio. "Please-a don't go in!"

"Why should I not go into my own home?" asked Red Riding Hood.

"Your home?" asked the Now-Suspecting Buyer.

DOUBLE TROUBLE

Before Pinocchio could answer, they were startled by Little Red Riding Hood coming down the walkway, carrying a basket of goodies.

"Can you gentlemen please help me?" she asked, politely.

"Hey!" said Pinocchio. "You supposed to-a be delivering baskets of-a the goodies!"

"I came back because heard there was a big black cat who got lost and I'm trying to find its owner." She saw the cat. "There he is! I'm going to go inside and get a saucer of milk for him."

"You're going into the house?" asked the U.B.

"You can't!" cried Pinocchio, trying to think of a lie as quickly as he could.

DOUBLE CROSSING

The Black Cat, having followed Pinocchio through the woods, walked in front of Little Red Riding Hood's House, crossing the entire pathway.

"I'm scared!" said the U.B.

"It's-a nothing to be -a scared about," said Pinocchio. "that Black Cat, he's a crossed my-a path twice now."

""Twice???!!!" cried the U.B. "That's--that's double trouble."

"No, no," said Pinocchio, "Double is just what I charge-a you for-a the house."

"Double?" said the U.B., who was beginning to be a little suspecting.

"You betta," said Pinocchio. "Two times-a the crossing is the good luck."

"Are you sure it's not just double-crossing?" asked the U.B.

SQUARE FOOTAGE

"I think we will-a have to come back to look at the-a inside after you buy-a the house," said Pinocchio. "Then you can-a see how much-a space you got. You don't want to plan-a too much."

"Gawrsh, OK, said the U.B. "But can you tell me how much square footage there is?"

Pinocchio looked at his own feet in hopes of finding an answer there. "Do you mean-a square feet like-a mine or more like your size?"

"I wear a size 15 EEE," said the U.B. "What does that translate to?"

Pinocchio kept looking at his feet for another answer, when something unexpected happened.

A CHIFFEROBE, TOO

"It will-a fit, it will-a fit! cried Pinocchio. Take-a my word! Don't you believe-a me?" Beads of nervous perspiration began to show on his wooden face.

"Gawrsh, sure, but my doghouse is a pretty big thing, and I want to see if my chifferobe can get in there, too."

I KNOW YOU'D NEVER LIE

"Please, may I see the inside?" asked the U.B.

"Don't you trust-at me?" replied Pinocchio.

"Sure, sure," said the U.B., "I know you'd never lie, but I'd like to see if my doghouse would fit in the bedroom?"

NEXT STEP

"Next-a we make the separate agreement just-a between you and-a me, where you get-a the chance to say just how much you like me and the house in the-a numbers."

"Sure thing!" said the Unsuspecting Buyer.
"Could we maybe just take a little look at the inside first?"

"Oh," said Pinocchio, you know they say the house is like-a the book--you can always judge it by its-a cover."

GETTING CLOSER TO A DEAL

The Buyer said "Gawrsh, Pinocchio, that's a good-looking house. Who lives there?"

"Just-a the little old-a grandmama, who sleeps there only on the Sundays," said Pinocchio.

"So it doesn't get much use then?"

"Very-a low miles on the-a house. That's why the price-a goes so high. I have to-a double the price"

"Double the price? Gawrsh"

"It's-a the good deal. You see."

"Well, if you say so, I was told you were the best real estate lawyer in all of the city."

"That's in the entire United-a States, and-a most of Europa, too," said Pinocchio.

"Well, Okie-dokie, then," said the Buyer. "What do we do next?"

LITTLE RED RIDING HOUSE

Pinocchio took the unsuspecting buyer to the house early in the morning. The U.B. did not notice anything was wrong. "This-a house is the most-a modern-a house you can get anywhere!" said Pinocchio. That-a type-a roof? They call-a it the thatched-a roof, it has-a the hidden solar panels to make the electricity at-a night while you sleep!"

A WOODEN BRAIN IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

Pinocchio could not come up with an easy answer to his question about how wrong it would be to overcharge the buyer for the house that should not be sold, so instead he concentrated his mind on the amount by which he should overcharge the swindlers. This mental activity he found very satisfying.

NOW!

Excuse my Monkey, he had to say the stitches were out and it's banana time.

MORE THAN 2 WRONGS?

Pinocchio had a thought--what if he charged the unsuspecting buyer more for Red Riding Hood's House and took a little extra for himself? How wrong would that be? When you were already doing something wrong, did a little extra wrong really matter?

THE PLAN

Still, he had a slight sense of unease as he made his way through the town to Little Red Riding Hood's house, where he was going to meet an unwitting buyer, recommended to him by the Tipsy Lady at the local real estate office. She would take a cut of the the sale of the house, and Grandma and Little Head would get the rest, and then they'd give him some. How could it go wrong?

CONTINUING ON

Pinocchio passed right under the black cat, and repeated to himself that he was glad he was not a superstitious puppet.

Really, he wasn't.

NOW?

That was wonderful, Monkey.

Thank you. Now may I eat a banana?

Not until the stitches come out. Maybe Wednesday.

OK. I'll let you get back to the story, then.

THE MONKEY RHYMES AGAIN

Does it just annoy the rich

When they can't pay Blagojevich?

So used are they to spitball pitch,

That it's a case of bait and switch.

SOME RHYMING COUPLETS FROM THE MONKEY

The Monkey has had an idea for some root canal poetry:


O, it's good to have a pal,
When going through a root canal.

Just not the chatty Periodontist,
Whose bloviations are very-o not missed.

EXCUSE ME, MONKEY WANTS TO SPEAK---

He is not done asking for sympathy about the root canal, because it's not done. What did they do today, Monkey?

"They monkeyed around with my mouth, and it still hurts," said The Monkey. "I'll have to have banana smoothies for a few days."

HELLO, KITTY

As Pinocchio made his way to Little Red Riding Hood's House, to help carry out Little Head's dastardly scheme for Grandma, he spotted the black cat in a tree, watching him. "It's a good-a thing I am not a superstitious puppet," he thought to himself.

OW!

The Monkey is interrupting the story to ask for sympathy for having a root canal. Thank you, now back to the intrigue....

PUPPET ABUSE

"I'll beat whatever you have out of you!" said Little Head, "I'll knock your wooden block off!"

"That's-a not-a nice," said Pinocchio. "You hurt my feelings."

"I'll make it up to you with a lot of money when you just go sell Little Red Riding Hood's House! Is that so hard to do, you moron?"

Pinocchio felt humiliated, but the thought of all the money he might make was too tempting. "No, Sir, I'll go take-a care of that now."

A MEETING OF LIKE MINDS

"You don't doubt me, do you?" said Little Head. "You know, I have a reputation for being the most distinguished diplomat in the entire United States."

"I, too, have-a the reputation," said Pinocchio, "very similar, for all of Europa."

"I ended the Cold War," said Little Head.

"You did? No, that was-a me!" said Pinocchio.

"I'll beat the crap out of you if you tell that lie again," said Little Head.

"I have-a no crap, inside," said Pinocchio. "I just got-a the wood."

WHO COULD RESIST?

"There will be a nice reward for you, if you just do everything I say," added Little Head, with a little smile.

A FEW QUESTIONS

Pinocchio re-approached Little Head Lying Good.

"I got-a the question," said Pinocchio. "I know your name is-a Lying Good, but I got-a ask: Is Lying really all that good?"

"What do you mean?" asked Lying Good. "Everyone knows that lying is the glue that holds societies together."

"Si, I see," said Pinocchio. "But how-a can it hold societies together when it pulls the families apart?"

"That's a naive question," said Lying Good. "Let me assure you that you'll be doing what is right and proper."

Pinocchio could not help noticing that Little head Lying Good looked away from him while he spoke. "Hey, Little-a Head! I'm-a over here!" he said.

"I think it's time for you to go and do what I asked," said Little Head.