DEEPLY MOOOOOOVING

The Cow said she was prepared to help, too.

Spot was very touched.

CHERCHEZ LA VACHE

Spot next petitioned the Cow for her help.

FIRST, ENLIST AN ARMY

Spot said the first thing to do was to get help from as many friends as you could. He went to his friend the Black Cat (aka "Kitty")

to see if he could help.

Kitty was very enthusiastic.

SPOT HAS SPOKEN

It was Spot, the Cheetah, who said he had been patiently waiting his turn to come to the rescue in one of these adventures, and he said that he was going to show me and the cubs how to trip up people who were up to no good.

SEEING SPOTS

The news was so overwhelming and distressing, that spots appeared before my eyes, and I thought I had blacked out. Apparently, though, I had not blacked out, I was really seeing spots.

UNSETTLING

What I heard was my own Grandmother conspiring against me. She was in it with the Robber, the Policeman, and Little Head Lying Good.

THIS IS NO HANDOUT

I returned to Grandma's house, just to make sure I wasn't crazy. And there she was, still talking with The Robber. I decided to listen in.

BAD COP, BAD COP

"So just go away," he said, "before someone sends you to a lawyer for being crazy."

"You mean a doctor?" I asked.

"No, a lawyer--I arrest little girls who say crazy things."

This was much more than too many bad pickles, I thought.

NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT

"Obviously, I can hear perfectly well what you are saying," I countered. "Why would I not hear her?"

"Sometimes people hear only what they want to hear," he answered, a little too quickly, I thought. "You know, everyone around here just loves your Granny, thinks she's the greatest."

"But what does that have to do with anything?" I asked. "She just lied to me, wouldn't let me in the house, and is talking with the Robber."

"She's probably just giving him a handout--she's very generous that way--nothing wrong with giving a bum a handout."

"But what about the fact that she lied to me?"

"You're crazy--your Grandmother doesn't lie," he said.

THE WRONG ARM OF THE LAW

I explained that I wasn't telling stories, I was just trying to figure out what was going on. Once more, I pointed out the glaring

discrepancies between what Grandma said and what she was actually doing.

"I'm sure there's a very simple solution," the Policeman said, "First of all, with that Hood over your ears, maybe you didn't hear right."

NOT EXACTLY RECEPTIVE

"Listen little girl," the policeman said first, "It's considered very bad form to tell nasty stories about your own dear old Granny."

LOOKING FOR LOGIC OR LAW

When I found the Policeman, he was in a bad mood because he had just eaten a great number of bad pickles, and was in no mood to hear about the odd scene between my grandmother and the robber. Still, I felt I had to tell him.

In retrospect this may have been my biggest mistake.

SPYING ON GRANDMA

As it so happens, you are correct, said Little Red Riding Hood. I was confused and hurt, so I went away, then came back and hid by the side bushes, where I stayed until I saw Grandma come out of the house with the nasty Robber.

The only thing I could think was that he had broken into the house and scared her and made her send me away--although she did not appear to be in any distress, which worried me even more. In fact, they looked as if they were getting along pretty well.

I figured the best thing I could do was to go and find the Policeman and get him there as quickly as possible, so I ran to town to get him.

ALL LIES

That doesn't make any sense, either one of them. I think your Grandma was lying. Hey, maybe that's where Little Head Lying Good got his fibbing genes.

May I please continue my story? asked Little Red Riding Hood.

Don't let me interrupt, interrupted Dick Wolf.

AN ODD DEVELOPMENT

I knocked at her door, and knocked and knocked, calling, "Grandma! It's me! Little Red Riding Hood! I brought you a basket of fresh vegetables for your gazpacho! And a nice pomegranate, too!" I said that because she had become a little nutty about food as she got older, and started to lecture about bringing only the best fruits and vegetables. To try to please her, I did.

I was about to go and get the Hunter when thought I heard a rustling inside. "Grandma! Are you there?"

"Yes, darling," she called, "I was just napping."

"May I come in?"

"Just leave the basket outside. I'll pick it up later."

"Do you feel all right?' I asked. I'd never come over and not seen her.

"I've got Little Head Lying Good here with me," she said. "We have a few financial matters to discuss. Just leave the basket, and you can pick it up tomorrow."

I was confused. Was she napping or talking with Lying Good?

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

I knocked on the door to her house, but there was no answer. Of course, I was worried that maybe the Wolf had come in again.

The Wolf?

The Bad Wolf.

The Big Bad Wolf?

No, that's the story with The Three Little Pigs and their houses of straw and the good house of bricks. This is different because Grandma's house is made of wood.

Is it the beaded clapboard house?

Yes, in fact it is. Beaded clapboard made of aged yellow pine. You can't get that wood for love or money any more.

Forgive me for interrupting. Then what happened?

A TALE OF WOE

"I used to love going to visit my Grandmother. When I was growing up, it was my favorite place to visit. I would bring her a basket of goodies, and she taught me how to sew and knit. We spent many happy afternoons together.

"When I got a little older, though, I began to notice that Grandma did not like me as much as she used to. She said all the same things, when I arrived with goodies, and would be very nice, but you know how it is when you sense someone is hiding something. What I didn't know is that she was hiding a lot from me. Hiding things that were--surprising"

"What did you find out? And How?"

Little Red Riding Hood inhaled deeply and let out her breath in a long sign.

"I was on my way with a basket of goodies, as usual," she began.

DICK WOLF & LRRH

It is much better to have a Wolf at the Door, when you have this Wolf, who will now resume narrative duties, as he is a much better storyteller than I am.

Little Red Riding Hood's story is really straight out of "Law and Order." Maybe I should say Law and Disorder.

Red, we've just heard from your Grandmother, who on the surface looks like a sweet old lady. What's your take? You've known her all your life.

Little Red Riding Hood didn't speak--couldn't speak for a moment.

"How can I tell my story without saying she is a liar and a thief? This is my Grandma who I love. Whatever she's become--in her old age--it can't make me forget all the good things she did when I was growing up."

Sometimes people go wrong, and you have to fix it.

"Can it be fixed?" cried Red Riding Hood.

We won't know unless you tell us your story.

"All right." said Red Riding Hood. "Here it is:"

AN OPINION FROM AN EXPERT

"Little Head Lying Good? He is so busy saving the word with his special brand of diplomacy. I don't know that the government could spare him," said Grandma.

The Monkey, who was tidying up from the last story, overheard this and started laughing.

"What is she, nuts? Little Head Lying Good is a great big doofus who causes trouble everywhere he goes. Keep him out of the story!"

Um--OK. How about The Wolf?

"The Wolf I could take. It's better to have the Wolf at the door than that pinheaded idiot," said the Monkey. "Get Little Red Riding Hood's version of what happened!"

For now, I shall listen to The Monkey.

A TIDBIT OF TRUTH

The best liars, the most accomplished liars, are the ones who mention one thing that is true, so that it will make the rest of their tall tales appear more reasonable.

"I didn't want to do it," Grandma continued, "I didn't want to, because I knew it would lead to trouble. She made me write a letter saying that the house was really hers, and that I was just protecting it for her."

"She did? Where is this letter?" asked Vaden.

"I destroyed the original. I'm afraid she may have a copy. I sent her one without a signature."

"It's better if there's no letter. But if it has no signature, you're fine," advised Vaden. "As long as it's in your name, you can sell her house and take the money and you owe her nothing."

"But I want it to appear I'm still her sweet old Grandma and keep getting her baskets filled with goodies." Grandma thought fondly of her visits from Little Red Riding Hood. "She's such a pretty little child--darn her!" Grandma thought a moment. She thought about how Little Red Riding Hood had always been everyone's favorite, she thought about how she had been, when she was young.

Vaden interrupted her reverie. "You can also pay someone to bring you even bigger baskets of goodies after you sell her house. Would your other Grandchild help?"

START OF A WHOPPER

"The problems began when Little Red Riding Hood came to me for help," Grandma began, in her plaint to Vaden. "She was always such a pathetic child."

"I thought she brought you baskets of goodies," said Vaden.

"Oh, yes, I supposed she did," Grandma admitted, "But I asked her to, because she really had nothing else to do with herself. I was doing her a favor."

"And what was the favor she wanted from you this time?" asked Vaden.

"It was about her house," said Grandma. "She needed me to put it into my own name for her. She was terribly afraid that one day she would marry and things would go wrong and she would lose her house in the divorce. She begged me to put her house in my name. Of course, I had to."

OH, AND BY THE WAY---

Vaden was thinking, as Grandma began her invective, Maybe I won't need to change my ways after all!

A MIGHTY JEALOUSY

"Do you have a lot of other clients who are taking up your time right now?" asked Grandma, as they started in towards the house.

Vaden paused before answering. "My schedule will permit me to devote a great deal of attention to your problems."

"Good," said Grandma. "I get mighty jealous."

"Tell me about Little Red Riding Hood," said Vaden.

A MEETING OF THE MEAN MINDS

"I think I can help you make all your grandchildren dislike you as much as you dislike them," Vaden offered.

"Then come on in and let's talk business," said Grandma.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD'S BROTHER

"Well," said Grandma, "there is my other grandchild, Little Head Lying Good. He never tells the truth. Not unless you pay him a lot of money."

"Is he a lawyer, too?" asked Vaden.

"No, he's in the Diplomatic Corps," said Grandma.

"That's so impressive," said Vaden.

"Here's a photo of him, lurking like the great big lunk that he is," said Grandma. "I really don't like my grandchildren--except when they're useful to me"

FIRST CONSULTATION

Darth Vaden even went to Grandma's house to see about her legal questions.

What a lovely attentive attorney he is, thought Grandma, not realizing that she might be his only client.

"What a lovely house you have," said Vaden.

"Isn't it?" said Grandma. "I stole it from Little Red Riding Hood, without her knowing it, and now I want to sell it so I can get the cash before she wises up."

"How did you do that?" asked Vaden, hoping to pick up some pointers

"I'll tell you over a nice cup of tea," said Grandma. "But first, tell me what you would recommend?"

"That's easy," said Vaden. "Sue the girl."

"But she's the only relative I have who talks to me honestly."

"Surely you have another relative to talk to?"

NO ORDINARY GRANDMOTHER

The Grandmother with legal problems was none other than Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother. Now, Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother was pretty well fixed, as they say, because she had an innocent sweet face that served her well when she launched fraudulent lawsuits against unsuspecting delivery men, contractors and tree trimmers. Most folks who came in contact with her were taken with her charm, but ultimately when they left, they felt as if their pockets had been picked.
After some time, only her grandchildren would come to see her, and no respectable lawyer would take her calls.
Luckily for her, there was Darth Vaden.

DARTH MAKES A DECISION

Clearly, I am not as well favored as some of the other puppets, Vaden thought. I shall show them how they are mistaken by helping a kindly little old grandmother with her legal problems.

TRIPPING UP DEATH

Spot the Cheetah chased Todd Vaden, tripped him and bit him on the neck.

Good work, Spot!