The Princess

This is no warrior princess, this is the old-fashioned, Kiss-a-Frog and he turns into a Prince (or not, see photo) type of Princess. She is quite self-involved, likes things done for her, but is essentially quite good-hearted, as a princess should be.

She has begun to have trouble lately with her two older sisters, Goneril and Regan, who always talk about how good they are to their father The King, but rarely do anything for him unless they think a lot of money and property are involved. Frankly, I'm a little worried for her.

The Princess is a classic German Kersa puppet from the 1960s, one of the first of my collection.

THE FROG

The early frog gets the worm. That's how our Frog tells it, anyway.

He prefers the gummy sugared kind and seems to thrive on it. He is an essential character in so many fairy tales (The Frog Prince), folklore wisdom (warts, anyone?) and songs ("Frog Went a-Courtin' "). Mostly he hangs on the bookcase lily pad above the cookbooks (he avoids the French ones, though) and reminisces about past glories, but like the old trouper he is, he'll still put on a good puppet show whenever we ask him to.

GEPPETTO

I bought him at the same place as my Pinocchio, who looks more real than his carpenter father, a cross between Grandpa Simpson and Captain Kangaroo.

Does jaundice set in after listening to your son's lies all day? Good question. I've listened to my brothers and mother tell whoppers, and it may have aggravated the eczema and caused heart palpitations, but I never turned yellow. Of course, it may be different when you created the monster.

I can relate to the expression on Geppetto's face, however. I've had it many times, myself.

PINOCCHIO

You know how it is when someone cannot look you straight in the eye when you ask a question? I've noticed that a lot about this puppet. (Reminds me of certain family members in that way.) And then, there's that problem with the nose. I found him in a a puppet shop in San Gimignano in Tuscany, where he was but one of many puppets, but his version of events is, shall we say, a little different. A loose translation from the Italian:

Of course I am the puppet of the day! Back in Italy, I was the most celebrated puppet in all of Europe! There is no public figure more beloved than me. I single-handedly freed the French in World War II, brought down the Berlin Wall--oh yeah, and re-unified all of Germany--and ended the Cold War between the Soviet Union and the West through my skillful diplomatic efforts. I am called the Winston Churchill of Italy for my speeches...I am also a much better chef than that Chef you have posted. I personally instructed that Mario Batali on cooking and taught him everything he knows about Parmigiano Reggiano cheese.

Some days, this puppet is very hard to endure. Of course, everyone knows he is lying, but most people are either too polite to point that out or are afraid he will consult his lawyers and sue for defamation of character--or anything else he can think up.

If only every liar had such an obvious nose, the world would be a better place, wouldn't it?

His favorite movie? You guessed it--Pinocchio.

Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker, The Algonquin Round Table wit famously said, "Men seldom makes passes at women with glasses." Attach a rider, then, for Spider-men. Yes, the attraction is magnetic, but let us also consider some of her other great lines. There was "If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be surprised." When Harold Ross, the legendary first editor of The New Yorker tried to get angry at her for not writing a piece for them, she purred that she had come over, "but someone else was using the pencil."

She is very fond of old Marx Brothers movies (Harpo was another member of the Round Table) and loved the new Iron Man. Look out, Spidey!

THE CHEF

Long before Emeril, Bobby or Martha were stars, this Chef had his own show on the Puppet Network that was admired by puppet luminaries such as The Muppets' Swedish Chef and Shari Lewis' Lamp Chop.

His specialties are in German cuisine and is best at wursts. He loves making large batches of soups and stews that can feed an army of puppets. The Bear and The Raccoon like to hang out when he cooks. They say his garbage is their favorite laute cuisine.

His favorite TV show right now is The Next Food Network Star (he's rooting for Aaron). His favorite chefs are Paul Prudhomme and Mario Batali, followed closely by Bobby Flay, whom he hopes will one day challenge him to a sauerbraten throwdown.

His favorite movies are Like Water for Chocolate and Babette's Feast.

Our Mouse

He spends most of his time on top of my jewelry box, fending off raids from The Pirate (see below), who has learned that just a nibble's worth of cheese or cereal will distract him. Enjoys reading about advances in science, especially based on experiments where mice were at the forefront of research.

His favorite movies are Stuart Little and Mousehunt.

Comes with us on our Christmas trips, likes to stay on top of an old clock and on Christmas Eve, doesn't budge until morning.

LARRY THE WHELK

This little guy enjoys going to the Beach for a swim, a crawl along the shore, or just to hang out in wet sand. He was a gift puppet from some friends who took a littoral vacation and wanted to thank us for looking after their singular cat, Audrey (not a puppet).

When not withdrawn, he enjoys the company of several penguin puppets who like to stay near the air conditioner.

The Raccoon

This is The Bear's Partner in Garbage, The Raccoon. Lasting friendships have been based on less solid ground. This one is based on old coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable peels, slightly too blue or unintentionally blue cheese and green bread. YUM!

Just Bear

The Bear has traveled many places and made many friends, first in Cincinnati, when he helped with the open casting calls for the movie Seabiscuit, then helped with the Kentucky filming in Lexington. He is a movie buff from way back, enjoying Gentle Ben, The Bear, Grizzly Adams (he did enjoy Grizzly Man more recently, more for the bears than for the guy who tried to live among them). He also enjoyed the Bad New Bears movies, even without actual bears, and catches up on Chicago football and baseball when the Pirate and the Penguin are not hogging the remote. As for college sports he follows both UCLA and Cal.

He loves to eat, leftovers are not a problem, nor is the garbage (he and his buddy the raccoon like to check out our trash late at night).

The Pirate's Best Friend, The Penguin

Maybe we should say, his only friend? I made the mistake of leaving the next puppet choice up to The Pirate, who chose himself. After some discussion, he said he would share with his friend, The Penguin. This is a remarkably tolerant creature, who has endured endless rounds of sea chanties and nursed The Pirate through many a hangover. They do enjoy going out for fresh fish together and enjoy watching Pittsburgh sports. Their taste in movies, however, differs widely. The Penguin enjoys nature documentaries about aquatic birds and The Pirate prefers rollicking high-seas adventures.

Before meeting The Pirate, The Penguin just went about his business catching fish and seemed to get along with everyone. He is now a bit of a lush and seems to annoy many of the other puppets when he passes out in inopportune places while he and The Pirate are on a bender.

The Pirate

This guy has been nothing but trouble. First, he drinks too much, and the strong stuff. We try to hide the Tabasco, but he always finds it. He was purchased at Vroman's Book Store in Pasadena, California, when we were invited to a premiere of The Pirates of The Caribbean second movie, where he upstaged a celebrity or two and totally got off on the adulation of the crowds (he thought it was all about him). Since then he has become quite disenchanted with us, and cannot fathom why we do not take him to more pirate movie premieres. He tries to create his own excitement by raiding my jewelry box. I'm missing quite a few earrings.

He was somewhat happier when we took him along with us on a cruise. He was plotting to commandeer the ship (the pirates' way of saying hijack), until the Captain's dinner, which involved quite a few libations (our table mates asked, "Is that pirate drunk?"). He then declared the Captain a capital fellow, and devoted the rest of the cruise to partying.

The Pirate's best friend is a confused and easily manipulated penguin. They have a relationship not unlike Pinky and The Brain. Although their schemes usually involve taking over bottles of rum rather than taking over the world. They also enjoy watching the Pittsburgh baseball and hockey teams.

Spot The Cheetah

Spot was found at Shenanigans in Charlottesville, Virginia amongst many other fine puppets. He has also visited many places around the country and the world, but his favorite is the San Diego Wild Animal Park, where he enjoyed watching the Cheetah Run Safari. He is a very amiable fellow, however he is easily confused. He enjoys watching cheetah shows on TV, particularly "Big Cat Diary" on Animal Planet. He doesn't understand why there is so much non-cheetah programming on TV. His favorite movie is "Duma." His hobbies include travel and hunting finger puppet gazelles.