The Eyes Have It

Arrr be garrrr. That wench who be runnin' The Daily Puppet came home with a patch like mine. I think she be tryin' to commandeer me look. Arrrg.

DON'T PATRONIZE THE SHARK

"It's not a good idea," said The Hippo. "I can control him to a certain degree, but I'm a hippopotamus and can scare him away."

"He's not so scary, are you. Mister Sharkey?" said Filberto.

"The name is Clarence Thurgood Cochran, the Third," said the Shark.

A BAD FEELING GETS WORSE 3

"You can do that, can't you Mister Sharkey? I hear you're very smart!"

A BAD FEELING GETS WORSE 2

"I'm in a unique position to help you all realize your dreams," Filberto proclaimed. "If Sharkey here can just figure out how to tie up all the rights so they're air tight, these adorable monkeys will be rolling in coconuts."

A BAD FEELING GETS WORSE

"Thank you all for coming," Filberto said graciously, as if he were hosting, which he was not. "The reason I invited you to this meeting is to discuss the proper handling of a very important property."

"The Clinic," said The Monkeys.

"No, me," said Filberto.

ARRIVAL AT PUPPET CITY

When Clarence and The Hippo arrived at the Puppet City Publican, they thought they presented a formidable pair. They did not reckon on a certain Raccoon, Filberto, of stage renown, being the center of attention. "I have a bad feeling about this," thought Clarence.

NEGOTIATIONS WITH A SHARK IV

"Perhaps you'd like a little travel stop at this lovely Lair?" asked Clarence. "I hear they serve delightful frou-frou drinks!"

"That's a Pirate Lair," said the Hippo."Of course they serve frou-frou drinks. They serve you frou-frou drinks until you can't see straight and then they take your wallet. No thank you!"

"Huh, he didn't fall for that," Clarence thought. "Perhaps he will be a good negotiator with the Monkeys?"

YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

NEGOTIATIONS WITH A SHARK III

The Hippo persuaded Clarence the Shark that he would be best at the meeting with the monkeys and not set down in Newfoundland. They settled on a course towards Puppet City, past a notorious Pirate Lair.

UMPEENTH+3 INTERRUPTION

"Arrgh, that's a fine bottle. What's this? They're on the way back from Philly? Change of plans, Matey. We'll divert them at the bridge, at the Tappan Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...."

UMPEENTH+2 INTERRUPTION

"Just as soon as I finish my Birthday Wishes for Bruce, I'll divert those Damn Yankees on the Way to Philly."

UMPEENTH+1 INTERRUPTION

Ahoy! Happy Birthday, Bruce Rosenblum!

WE JUST FLEW IN FROM TRANSYLVANIA AND BOY ARE OUR WINGS TIRED

"Maybe my-a timing isn't the-a best, but I-a think that-a lady who write-a the Daily Puppet is kind of-a bats!"

Happy Halloween, I boo you, not sue you!

IS IT TOO LATE FOR PITTSBURGH?

"Arrrrgh, I'll divert their ships when they sail down towards Philly."

THE SPOILER

Uh-oh. Look out, Derek, there's a wily puppet who likes to steal anything he can get his hands on!

THE UMPTEENTH INTERRUPTION IV

Ah, of course, it's the Yankees going on to The World Series. They love Derek Jeter.

THE UMPTEENTH INTERRUPTION III

The Pirate has even offered to share his rum with Tommy Lasorda. What has inspired this sense of camaraderie?

THE UMPTEENTH INTERRUPTION II

Heavens, it appears quite a few of the puppets and toys have gathered. It must be something of enormous significance.

THE UMPTEENTH INTERRUPTION

Sharks, as you know, zig-zag along, and Clarence is no exception, quite in keeping with this story. He became diverted on his way to the important meeting with Doctor Monkey.

MORE INSIDE INFORMATION

"If you can stay a few more minutes, I have my intellectual rights attorney coming over and he can tell us more."

INSIDE INFORMATION

"Let me tell you a secret about this business," said Doctor Monkey. "It's going to make everyone involved with it very very very rich."
"Really?' said Filberto. "You know I'm not about the money. I'm never about the money. How much do you figure?"

HIGH LEVEL MEETING

"Thank you for coming by," said Dr. Monkey. "I know you're very busy, and I have a patient who has been waiting for me a few minutes, but I wanted to have the chance to talk with you first about being the face of Dr. Monkey's Instant Spine-O-Matic Easy Reduction Yurt."

"What a terrific name, I love it!" said Filberto. "You don't think I look fat, do you?"

"Not at all, that's why you would be the perfect face and figure for the Yurt."

ANOTHER PHONE CALL, EXCUSE ME

"I do apologize, I must take this."
Filberto listened carefully and nodded.
"Of course, I'll be delighted to meet with you."

AS FILBERTO WAS SAYING...

"When I returned to my lair, I realized that Little Red Riding Hood's letters could be found when I was out inspecting the trash at Le Cirque or Sardi's, so I gathered them up and gnawed a nice little hole into the house of--"

MY MANAGER LOVES ME

"It's sweet, really, how my manager, Dwayne loves having me as his client. He says it makes him smile when he thinks of me, he even dreams about me when he is not hard at work promoting me. Can't say that I blame him--I make me smile at me, too. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the hiding place."

THE SECRET HIDING SPOT IS----?

"--Oh, excuse me, I have to take this call from my manager. Pardon."

DID SOMEONE SAY TROUBLE?

"As a Stage Puppet, a Puppet of the Theatre, I truly thrive on drama, on trouble, on whatever you wish to call it," said Filberto, teasingly. "I guess you notice I am not in my usual lair. Naturally, this is part of my brilliant plot to save everyone. Not that I wish to be viewed as a hero. No, that's not me. I can't help it if greatness is thrust upon me. Well, I'll give you a clue--I am at one of the addresses in Little Red Riding Hood's little red book, and the letters are hidden in--"

KITTY HEARS TROUBLE IN ALL DIRECTIONS

The ghost of Kitty is a bit stymied, as he senses the need for his help from all over.

NEGOTATIONS WITH A SHARK II

"I'll put you on a train, hanging by the tail fins, if you even mention it again," said The Hippo. "You're starting to annoy me."

"I'm starting to annoy you?" said Clarence, gnashing some of his many teeth. "I'm about to seal the biggest business deal of my career and I've got a Hippo on my back."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I could be helpful to you in this deal?" said The Hippo.

NEGOTATIONS WITH A SHARK

"I have no desire to go to Newfoundland, thank you very much," said The Hippo. "You will please take me all the way back to the harbor at Puppet City."

"How about Kennebunkport? I can leave you with the Bushes."

"Puppet City," insisted The Hippo.

"I can put you on a train." Clarence suggested.

EN ROUTE BACK TO THE STORY

"Excuse me," said Clarence, "Would you mind if I dropped you off in Newfoundland? I've just had a call from my office about a very important business meeting."

IN SPADES

Is it just me, or do you sense there is some more trouble afoot?

THE SPINE CLINIC XXII

"I do not wish to question your ability, Doctor, in the field of lawsuit antibiotics," said Nurse Martha. "However, I feel it incumbent on us to return to the patient and discuss the treatment options at some point today, so that he will want to be our spokesman."

"You are so right," said Doctor Monkey." I'll go see him, and you look up intellectual property attorneys."

"I know a good one to call," said Nurse Martha.

THE SPINE CLINIC XXI

"So how you get-a the Nobel-a Prize anyway?" Pinocchio wondered.

"I read you got to get-a the nomination. Maybe I can get-a the Doctor and the Nurse lady to nominate-a me. I sue-a them if they do not! That would a-be how you sue-a for Peace!"

Then Pinocchio noticed some movement on he screen and turned to hear what the monkeys were saying.

THE SPINE CLINIC XX

"No," he resolved," I-a sue! In-a keeping with that President-a Obama guy, I sue-a for the Peace! Next-a year, they should give-a me the Prize!

THE SPINE CLINIC XIX

"Or may be it would-a be easier to just-a bend-a over?" he wondered. "Ow! That-a hurts!"

THE SPINE CLNIC XVIII

"Thats-a what I do. I say I was so-a upset when I see they taping-a me, that I had the involuntary-a muscle spasm that made me stand-up. And I sue-a them for the pain and the-a suffering."

THE SPINE CLNIC XVII

"What would the Little Head-a Lying-a Good Do? He is a master of lying, he could just-a deny he ever stood up. No, they gotta the tape of me standing up-a. Maybe I could-a sue them for taping-a the patients?"

THE SPINE CLINIC XVI

"I gotta think of some good-a lie, but quick!"

THE SPINE CLINIC XV

"I wonder if they got-a the camera that shows that I can stand-a up?"

THE SPINE CLINIC XIV

"Would it not-a be a hoot-a indeed!" thought Pinocchio, who had found the monitor while waiting.

THE SPINE CLINIC XIII

"Oh, that is brilliant!" said Nurse Martha, laughing aloud. "Wouldn't it be a hoot if anyone was watching us?"

THE SPINE CLINIC XII

"I guess I am comforted by that," said Nurse Martha. "I'm not sure I get the part about being mad at you for saving her life."

"That was unusual yes," said Dr. Monkey "But I also protect myself by having closed circuit camera in every room."

THE SPINE CLINIC XI

"Who did I talk out of suing me?" said Doctor Monkey. "My greatest triumph may have been talking that sweet old Grandma out of suing me."

"Just how sweet was that sweet old Grandma?" asked Nurse Martha.

"I leave that for you to decide," said Dr. Monkey. "I saved her life a few times, and she was kind of mad about that, so I told her next time I wouldn't, and that seemed to make her happy."

THERE MAY BE NO GOING BACK ON THIS ONE

"Maybe I-a make my back look-a much-a worse since I got here, so I can sue-a the doc for the-a big-a bucks!" thought Pinocchio, who had been waiting for Doctor Monkey nearly an hour. "I wonder how much-a insurance he-a got?"

THE SPINE CLINIC X

Dr. Monkey comforted Nurse Martha--"Don't you worry your pretty little furry head about this, I'll make sure nothing like that happens. I've talked patients out of malpractice suits hundreds of times!"

"You have?' asked Nurse Martha. "Like when?"

THE SPINE CLINIC IX

"Sure--maybe he will find a nice malpractice lawyer who will sue us for only half our bananas!"

THE SPINE CLINIC VIII

"The Patient!" Nurse Martha exclaimed. "How unprofessional of me to forget we had a patient waiting! He's going to be hopping mad"

"Oh, right," said Dr. Monkey. "Maybe it will help that he has no spine."

THE SPINE CLINIC VII

But even as she was accepting the graciously proffered banana, Nurse Martha realized there was something that was not quite right.....

THE SPINE CLINIC VI

"I'd like to give you a present," sad Dr. Monkey, "This is my best banana, from my private collection."

"I've never seen such a beautiful banana," said Nurse Martha.

THE SPINE CLINIC V

Dr. Monkey was still celebrating the conception of his spine clinic with Nurse Martha, who had arrived at the catchy name "Dr. Monkey's Instant Spine-O-Matic Easy Reduction Yurt" after much careful thought.

"Maybe we should call off seeing patients for the rest of the day and speak to an intellectual property attorney," said Dr. Monkey.

"I already set up a meeting for you with the best one around," said Nurse Martha.

"You just think of everything!" said Dr. Monkey.

SAILING BACK TO THE STORY

The Hippo guided Clarence back towards the Drama. "Labor Day has come and gone," he said. "I'm taking you back to the turtle and the monkeys and that lying puppet so the readers won't be bothered with your nonsense again."

But Clarence was already thinking of more trouble he could cause.....

YES, THEY MUST BE ON THEIR WAY!

Pinocchio was still waiting in he doctor's office, waiting for the story to continue. "I got-a places to-a go, people to-a sue!" he fumed, checking his watch.

SEA CHANTY 7

The Hippo was able to boink the shark on the head and startle hm into releasing The Pirate's leg. "We have been very poor guest, indeed," said the Hippo. "My apologies, I thank you for your chanty assistance, but we must be on our way now."

SEA CHANTY 6

Clarence the Shark had had quite enough of this chanty, and applied his teeth to the Pirate's leg. Even though The Pirate had on some very fine boots that he had stolen, he could feel the sharp teeth through the leather and the chanty swiftly became a yelp of pain.

SEA CHANTY 5

Arrg, that's easy," said The Pirate, and began singing:








What's more evil than a drunken sailor?
What's more risky than a one-eyed tailor?
What's more drunken than Norman Mailer?
Earl-ae in the mornin'

Hoo-ray and up she rises,
Blu-ray player prices,
Mid-dle Eastern crises,
Earl-ae in the mornin'


Shave the Shark with a rusty razor,
Shave the Shark with a rusty razor,
Then apply your trusty taser,
Earl-ae in the mornin'

SEA CHANTY 4

The Hippo spoke while Clarence enjoyed a wee drop: "My friend here says you are something of an expert on sea chanties and can help me with my songs."

"Aye, that I am," sad The Pirate. "Just tell me the trouble you wish to sing about and I can fashion ye the best chanty for it."

"My only trouble has been with this shark." said the Hippo.

SEA CHANTY 3

So Clarence swam them both to see The Pirate, who was already up and thinking about trouble he could cause for the day.

"Arrrg, have some rum," he greeted them.

"Don't mind if I do," said the shark.

"Now what is it I can help ye with? Wenching? Marauding? Plundering?"

SEA CHANTY 2

"I like it," said the hippo, scowling. "And I'm very musical."

"You're no singing whale," said the shark.

"I suppose you're the expert?" sneered the hippo.

"I'm not an expert, but I know someone who is, and I think he should be called for a consultation."

SEA CHANTY 1

"O, once there was a fearless hippo
Starting on a little trip-0,
From his river in Tanzania
Where he left to roam-a free-a,
And swim upon the seven sea-a."

"That's horrible," said Clarence. "I won't sing along!"

BEATING THE SHARK

Clarence the Shark was greatly chagrined to be bested by a hippo, and a musical hippo at that.

"Now we're going to sing some sea chanties," said the hippo. "I'll keep time on your back."

HOW QUICKLY THINGS CAN CHANGE

Back to our regular interruption. The hippo had ideas of his own about being eaten, and they were quite contrary to the shark's ideas. With his powerful head, he bonked the shark off then jumped on his back.

WE INTERRUPT THE INTERRUPTION FOR A SPECIAL MESSAGE

Once more, the puppets hope you hugged someone dear to you this day.

WHY THE PROBLEM?

From the Shark's perspective, it was supposed to be an easy treat. The hippo seemed a gentle, defenseless bongo-playing music lover. No match at all for his terrible teeth.

BITING MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW

The hippo in question seemed to resist the Shark's attack, and became quite annoyed with the Shark.

HOW THE SHARK CONTINUED TO CELEBRATE

Oddly enough, the Shark did not take a break from his normal work routine over the Labor Day holiday, but tried to sink his teeth into a new assignment--eating a hippo.

HAPPY LABOR DAY FROM CAPE COD

Clarence the Shark interrupts the story to say he is taking a day off from Puppet detail to swim the Atlantic and hopes you will visit, too!

THE NOSE KNOWS

"Some-a times, it's-a good, to stick your-a nose into the other people's business," thought Pinocchio. "Now I got-a what I need to sue that Little Head Lying-a Good but good!"

NOSING AROUND

Nurse Martha, however, could not have imagined the extent to which their showcase patient was a very sneaky puppet, indeed, and was busy spying on other patients' charts while waiting for the Doctor. One in particular caught his interest....

THE SPINE CLINIC IV

"What shall we call the clinic?" Dr. Monkey asked.

"Easy," said Nurse Martha. "We'll call it Dr. Monkey's Instant Spine-O-Matic Easy Reduction Yurt."

"I love it! Simple, yet effective."

"I've looked at this plan from every angle, and I can't see anything to keep it from success," said Nurse Martha.

THE SPINE CLINIC III

So they mixed themselves some drinks and fearlessly toasted their future success.

"My darling Nurse Martha, forgive, me, I have another question about the plan," said Dr. Monkey.

"What is it?"

THE SPINE CLINIC II

"Easy as pie," said Nurse Martha. "We can have a special offer for celebrities--and those who want to look like celebrities--to add an extra inch to their spines so they look instantly taller and thinner--without dieting!"

"You're brilliant!" said Dr. Monkey.

"Let's celebrate our soon-to-be success," she said.

THE SPINE CLINIC I

"The real goal is to open your own--I mean, our own--clinic where big celebrities come to get backbones. So we first ask Pinocchio to be the spokesman for the clinic, praising you for returning his spine."

"Is he a credible spokesman?" asked Dr. Money.

"He's got a face like an open book," said Nurse Martha.

"And the rights?"

"Tell him you will treat him free of charge for being the spokesman, so long as the story of his cure remains with the clinic."

"OK, but how does this get big celebrities to the clinic?" asked Dr. Monkey.

NURSE MARTHA EXPLAINS IT ALL

"You mean, where will we honeymoon?" asked Dr. Monkey.

"I don't mind where we go, Paris would be nice--or maybe Costa Rica to see bananas growing. But no, I was thinking more about the 5-year, 10-year, 15-year plans we could make."

"What about 20-year plans?"

"I have something in mind for that, too," said Nurse Martha. "But I thought I'd leave a little something for you."

"Well, let's start with the 5-year-plan," said Dr. Monkey.

"All right. That Mr. Pinocchio patient? Let's get the rights to his medical history right away."

"But doesn't he have the rights to that?"

"We've got a puppet with no spine! We can get them!"

"But how?" asked Dr. Monkey.

"I'll tell you how," said Nurse Martha.

MONKEYS PAWS

"I would like to make you the happiest monkey in the world," said Dr. Monkey.

"I think I am the happiest monkey in the word right now," said Nurse Martha. "But tell me more of what you have in mind?"

"I think you are the monkey's paw and would like it in marriage, to start."

"Sounds good. Then what?"