THE MAGICIAN STEPS IN

While the Monkey and his Mate are distracted by a banana, let us return to The Pirate's Lair under The Bridge of Misery.

The Princess did not hear from the Sailor nor did he return with her crown, so she discreetly asked the Court Magician for help. (She still has not told her father, The King, about her flirtation with The Pirate.)

The Magician realized this was a serious matter. He did not want The Princess to perish from a broken heart, nor the King to be deeply saddened.

He called upon The Pirate, who was relaxing with his friend, The Penguin, watching Pittsburgh get clobbered by The Phillies.

The Magician noticed that The Penguin looked nervous and could not face him directly. The Pirate, however, was used to lying straight into others' faces.

"Pull up a chair, make yourself at home," he offered The Magician. "Can I take your wand?"

"If you know the magic words," the Magician replied.

"Please? Please can I take your wand?" The Pirate asked.

"Not quite right," said The Magician.

"I'll be your best friend," said the Pirate, smiling. It always makes him happy when he is lying. Kind of like certain members of my family.

"Where is The Sailor?" The Magician demanded.

You are all business. He's all business, isn't he?" The Pirate said to The Penguin, who still could not look at the Magician directly. "He's around here somewhere. Penguin, you want to help arrrrrgh guest find his pal?"

The Penguin shook his head no nervously. He knew that one swipe of the Magician's wand and he could be turned into a can of sardines.

"Our team is losing," said the Pirate. "You're not going to miss anything."

The Magician was becoming impatient with him. "Where is the Princess's crown?"

"Arrrgh, I traded it in for a six-pack of Budweisers--you know they're the King of Beers, so they take crowns."

A word of advice: do not, ever, for any reason, even as a joke, make a magician angry with you.