SEA CHANTY 6

Clarence the Shark had had quite enough of this chanty, and applied his teeth to the Pirate's leg. Even though The Pirate had on some very fine boots that he had stolen, he could feel the sharp teeth through the leather and the chanty swiftly became a yelp of pain.

SEA CHANTY 5

Arrg, that's easy," said The Pirate, and began singing:








What's more evil than a drunken sailor?
What's more risky than a one-eyed tailor?
What's more drunken than Norman Mailer?
Earl-ae in the mornin'

Hoo-ray and up she rises,
Blu-ray player prices,
Mid-dle Eastern crises,
Earl-ae in the mornin'


Shave the Shark with a rusty razor,
Shave the Shark with a rusty razor,
Then apply your trusty taser,
Earl-ae in the mornin'

SEA CHANTY 4

The Hippo spoke while Clarence enjoyed a wee drop: "My friend here says you are something of an expert on sea chanties and can help me with my songs."

"Aye, that I am," sad The Pirate. "Just tell me the trouble you wish to sing about and I can fashion ye the best chanty for it."

"My only trouble has been with this shark." said the Hippo.

SEA CHANTY 3

So Clarence swam them both to see The Pirate, who was already up and thinking about trouble he could cause for the day.

"Arrrg, have some rum," he greeted them.

"Don't mind if I do," said the shark.

"Now what is it I can help ye with? Wenching? Marauding? Plundering?"

SEA CHANTY 2

"I like it," said the hippo, scowling. "And I'm very musical."

"You're no singing whale," said the shark.

"I suppose you're the expert?" sneered the hippo.

"I'm not an expert, but I know someone who is, and I think he should be called for a consultation."

SEA CHANTY 1

"O, once there was a fearless hippo
Starting on a little trip-0,
From his river in Tanzania
Where he left to roam-a free-a,
And swim upon the seven sea-a."

"That's horrible," said Clarence. "I won't sing along!"

BEATING THE SHARK

Clarence the Shark was greatly chagrined to be bested by a hippo, and a musical hippo at that.

"Now we're going to sing some sea chanties," said the hippo. "I'll keep time on your back."

HOW QUICKLY THINGS CAN CHANGE

Back to our regular interruption. The hippo had ideas of his own about being eaten, and they were quite contrary to the shark's ideas. With his powerful head, he bonked the shark off then jumped on his back.

WE INTERRUPT THE INTERRUPTION FOR A SPECIAL MESSAGE

Once more, the puppets hope you hugged someone dear to you this day.

WHY THE PROBLEM?

From the Shark's perspective, it was supposed to be an easy treat. The hippo seemed a gentle, defenseless bongo-playing music lover. No match at all for his terrible teeth.

BITING MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW

The hippo in question seemed to resist the Shark's attack, and became quite annoyed with the Shark.

HOW THE SHARK CONTINUED TO CELEBRATE

Oddly enough, the Shark did not take a break from his normal work routine over the Labor Day holiday, but tried to sink his teeth into a new assignment--eating a hippo.

HAPPY LABOR DAY FROM CAPE COD

Clarence the Shark interrupts the story to say he is taking a day off from Puppet detail to swim the Atlantic and hopes you will visit, too!

THE NOSE KNOWS

"Some-a times, it's-a good, to stick your-a nose into the other people's business," thought Pinocchio. "Now I got-a what I need to sue that Little Head Lying-a Good but good!"

NOSING AROUND

Nurse Martha, however, could not have imagined the extent to which their showcase patient was a very sneaky puppet, indeed, and was busy spying on other patients' charts while waiting for the Doctor. One in particular caught his interest....

THE SPINE CLINIC IV

"What shall we call the clinic?" Dr. Monkey asked.

"Easy," said Nurse Martha. "We'll call it Dr. Monkey's Instant Spine-O-Matic Easy Reduction Yurt."

"I love it! Simple, yet effective."

"I've looked at this plan from every angle, and I can't see anything to keep it from success," said Nurse Martha.

THE SPINE CLINIC III

So they mixed themselves some drinks and fearlessly toasted their future success.

"My darling Nurse Martha, forgive, me, I have another question about the plan," said Dr. Monkey.

"What is it?"

THE SPINE CLINIC II

"Easy as pie," said Nurse Martha. "We can have a special offer for celebrities--and those who want to look like celebrities--to add an extra inch to their spines so they look instantly taller and thinner--without dieting!"

"You're brilliant!" said Dr. Monkey.

"Let's celebrate our soon-to-be success," she said.

THE SPINE CLINIC I

"The real goal is to open your own--I mean, our own--clinic where big celebrities come to get backbones. So we first ask Pinocchio to be the spokesman for the clinic, praising you for returning his spine."

"Is he a credible spokesman?" asked Dr. Money.

"He's got a face like an open book," said Nurse Martha.

"And the rights?"

"Tell him you will treat him free of charge for being the spokesman, so long as the story of his cure remains with the clinic."

"OK, but how does this get big celebrities to the clinic?" asked Dr. Monkey.

NURSE MARTHA EXPLAINS IT ALL

"You mean, where will we honeymoon?" asked Dr. Monkey.

"I don't mind where we go, Paris would be nice--or maybe Costa Rica to see bananas growing. But no, I was thinking more about the 5-year, 10-year, 15-year plans we could make."

"What about 20-year plans?"

"I have something in mind for that, too," said Nurse Martha. "But I thought I'd leave a little something for you."

"Well, let's start with the 5-year-plan," said Dr. Monkey.

"All right. That Mr. Pinocchio patient? Let's get the rights to his medical history right away."

"But doesn't he have the rights to that?"

"We've got a puppet with no spine! We can get them!"

"But how?" asked Dr. Monkey.

"I'll tell you how," said Nurse Martha.

MONKEYS PAWS

"I would like to make you the happiest monkey in the world," said Dr. Monkey.

"I think I am the happiest monkey in the word right now," said Nurse Martha. "But tell me more of what you have in mind?"

"I think you are the monkey's paw and would like it in marriage, to start."

"Sounds good. Then what?"

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD

Dr. Monkey opened the door and ran into the arms of Nurse Martha, and she into his. "You are so correct," he said, "proposing muzzle to muzzle is much nicer."

THE ABSENT-MINDED MONKEY

"I knew I was forgetting something! Hang on!"

NURSE MARTHA'S REQUEST

"I shall accept your proposal if you will please open the door and repeat it to my face!"

BACK AT DR. MONKEY'S OFFICE

"In that case," said Dr. Monkey, "Let me take a moment before we see this Pinocchio to tell you how much I admire you, not just as a nurse, but as a monkey."

"Doctor," said Nurse Martha, "before you continue, I must ask something of you."

"No, please, let me finish," said Dr. Monkey."I would like us to be mates and groom each other forever. There! Now I've said it! Now tell me what you would like to say?"

ADDICTED TO LITIGATION

"Maybe I can-a look through some-a charts and see what kind of-a trouble I can cause."

Nurse Martha--not being the addictive type herself-- did not factor in that some puppets actually could form an addiction to suing, because the potential reward gave them a sense of euphoria, of power over other puppets. Perhaps a combination of excitement over the large sums demanded, of satisfaction for the various wrongs in one's life, whether they are specific to the case of not. The legal system allows puppets to start lawsuits that can take years to prove are without merit. In the meantime, oh, the joy of causing trouble!

BE SILLY

Actually, Nurse Martha had it a little wrong, as the patient (or rather, now impatient) Pinocchio has litigation utmost on his mind.

I know-a I hoped she would take-a her time, but now I can start-a to think-a about the lawsuits for leaving me-a here with my-a suffering, he thought, neglecting that there was no actual suffering.

DON'T BE SILLY

"Danger? No, he seems to be doing fine without his spine, and he certainly doesn't seem the type to go suing anyone for malpractice."

DOCTOR MONKEY'S THOUGHTS

Dr. Monkey collected himself. "You are so much more than my nurse, Nurse Martha," he said. "You must know that."

He thought maybe this was the time to say how he really felt, but wondered maybe if he should first ask one more question.

"Um--you're sure the patient isn't in immediate danger?"

A QUASI-MEDICAL QUESTION

"Can I still be your nurse when you're rich and famous?" asked Nurse Martha.

NOT WASTING A MOMENT

Visions of fame and fortune flashed through Dr. Monkey's mind at this intelligence. Not just the TV shows, but the articles and books. What title for the first? "I've Got Your Back Back?" "Dr. Monkey's Guide to Better Posture?" "Don't Do The Crime If You Don't Have The Spine?"

AN EXULTANT ANSWER

"Like both of them, with maybe a little Dr. Demento to boot! The Patient lost his spine and needs you to get his back back!"

PROBING QUESTIONS

"My question really meant--is the patient's life in danger?" said Dr. Monkey. "And did you mean like Dr. Phil or more like Sanjay Gupta?

THE NATURE OF THE EMERGENCY

"It's the kind of emergency that can make you a celebrity doctor and get on a lot of television shows!"

THE DOCTOR PAUSES

"An emergency?" said Doctor Monkey. "What kind of emergency?"

NURSE MARTHA IN ACTION II

"O Doctor!" she said through the door, "I'm so sorry to disturb you when you're with another patient, but I think we have an emergency in the next room."

NURSE MARTHA IN ACTION

Nurse Martha did not take her time, she rushed to the next examination room where the Doctor was seeing another patient and knocked on the door.

WHILE THE NURSE IS AWAY--

"It feels so-a good to be able to stand up-a right,"
Pinocchio said to himself, hoping the nurse would take her time fetching the doctor.

THE EXAMINATION IV

"Oh, my goodness!" exclaimed Nurse Martha.

"What's-a the matter?" said Pinocchio. "You see-a my problem?"

"You have no backbone at all! I'm going to get the doctor in right now."

THE EXAMINATION III

"Well, let's have a look at your back," said Nurse Martha. "Does it hurt when you breathe?"

"It hurt-a when I breathe-a the air. Otherwise, is OK."

"Are you able to stand upright?"

"I can stand up only when no one else-a in the room."

THE EXAMINATION II

"I mean your description sounds as if you were up to no good. I have to wonder if maybe the cow was trying to stop you from doing something wrong?"

"She was the-a one doing something-a wrong." said Pinocchio.

THE EXAMINATION I

"How it-a happened?" Pinocchio repeated, looking at his shoes for inspiration. "Let me-a see. My colleague-a Carol Cowstanzo beg-a me to help her restore-a the house of the mean-a Little Red Riding Hood, because her sweet-a old Grandma wanted to give it to-a the Little Head Lying Good, because he go out every day and save-a the world."
"That's all very amusing," said Nurse Martha. "How exactly did that hurt your back?"
"Oh, right-a. The big-a stupid cow, she push me over on purpose. No-a apology, nothing."
"And why do you think she did that?"
"I think-a she wanted to take Little Red Riding Hood's goodies all for her-a self. If I was lying crippled on the-a ground, she could take it-a all."

"Well, what were you doing taking out the goodies?" asked Nurse Martha. "Did they belong to you?"

"What you-a mean?" asked Pinocchio, stalling for a little time to think.

SPEAKING OF DOCTORS--

Pinocchio has dutifully made his aching way to the doctor's office as Clarence suggested, to discuss his faux back injury. Luckily, the doctor has an excellent nurse who is quite clever at diagnosing ailments.

"Mr. Pinocchio? Please come in. I'm Nurse Martha and I'll just ask you a few questions before you see the doctor."

"Ow! My aching-a back!" cried Pinocchio, on cue.

"That's what we're going to take care of," she said, brightly. "Now, tell me what happened."

THE SHARK MAKES A JOKE

"And does The Evil Eye ever speak to you?" asked Giovanni Lento.
"He doesn't speak at all, he smiles at me and I smile back, of course, because I know what he wants me to do."
"You do?" What would that be?"
"Become so famous for my sharp legal skills that they name a TV show after me. You know, that's the real measure of success."

"Let me ask you this,"said Giovanni Lento, "could it be the real measure of success would be not so much the TV show about you, as the puppets you helped?"

"Helped how? You mean the puppets I helped sue?" asked Clarence. "I suppose."

"What puppets are you trying to help sue now?" asked the turtle.

"Leapin' dolphins, where to start?" said the shark. There are so many."

"Are you looking to sue me?" asked Giovanni Lento.

"I don't know you well enough yet, so don't flatter yourself" said Clarence, "but I'm sure I can think of something. Now, what were you going to tell me that was so confidential?"

"I know that I'm slow," said Giovanni Lento, but I think I must be getting on my way by myself. I thank you so much for your help earlier."

"Just remember most back injuries take a few days to really reach full bloom," said the Shark. I'll send a bill from my orthopedist."

"But you don't have bones," said the turtle.

Then you'll get one from my cartilagist! Ha-Ha! Great joke, huh?"

WHILE THE TURTLE THINKS...

Kwong and his Mate want to congratulate Bai Yun on the birth of her new baby giant panda in San Diego. Here's raising a stick of bamboo to you!

UPON REFLECTION

"I am so deeply flattered that you would think of me as The Evil Eye, not because I am of course, but because I would love to have the same powers."

"Have you ever seen The Evil Eye? Or known anyone who did?"

"Of course! I see his reflection when I'm swimming."

Giovanni Lento reflected a bit himself. What would be the next question to ask this delusional shark?

GIOVANNI PENSO

"Is there any chance--is it at all possible-- that you might be more describing yourself when you talk about the Evil Eye?"

THE SHARK IS OUTRAGED

"I insist that you take back what you said, and affirm at once that the Evil Eye is very very evil. Not just a little evil, not every now and then evil, but constantly, ubiquitously evil!"

Giovanni Lento wondered if his new friend The Shark perhaps needed something more evil than himself to discuss, and chose his words slowly--more so than usual--and carefully:

NOT SO EVIL?

"How dare you suggest The Evil Eye do anything to help?" Clarence scoffed. "Isn't it enough that he sees everything?"

"I don't think so, no," said Giovanni Lento. "I mean, it's a great idea and all, to be able to see what's going on and such, but it's not like the Evil Eye does anything at all--or is even that evil, frankly."


"This is an outrage," Clarence replied.

THE NEXT THOUGHT ON THE PENGUIN

That is one crazy Penguin.

But he will go ahead and try.

"You are telling me this Evil Eye sees all of this?" Giovanni Lento asked Clarence the Shark. "Why doesn't he do something to help?"