HOT ON THE TRAIL

Deep inside the Pirate's Lair, under the Bridge of Misery, The Magician follows a trail of stolen jewelry, looking for the Princess's crown, while The Pirate, turned into a bottle of beer, follows him.

We Interrupt This Story for an Important Message from the Chef

I am just thrilled and delighted that Aaron will be The Next Food Network Star. You will note, of course, that I recognized his talents many posts ago.

Now back to our story....

Real Trouble

The problem with making The Magician mad at you (or any magician, for that matter), is that you are transformed into an object based on his whim, and his whim was to make The Pirate and The Penguin into their favorite comestibles. This is an extreme example of You Are What You Eat.

Fairly soon, it becomes apparent that one's favorite treats are also enjoyed by other puppets. The Big Problem is that You are What You Eat becomes You Will Be Eaten.

I am not in the habit of placing thoughts in the minds of inanimate objects other than puppets (we can argue later that they are hardly inanimate when I place them on my hands), but here is the dialogue I hear with the Pirate and the Penguin and their tormentors:

Pirate (aka Beer Bottle): That scurvy Sorcerer! I'll plaster him--although it is kind of nice being stuck in here.

Penguin: I like sardines.

Pirate: Arrrrrgh, so does Miss Kitty there.

Penguin: Miss Kitty!!!??!! Help! Killer!

Kitty: Mew.

Pirate: Blimely! There's a big old Bear sniffing around me!

Bear: Mmmmmmm. Smells like real garbage.

Pirate and Penguin: RUN AWAY!

Bear: Hey--where's that's bottle going? I was going to suck out the last drops.

Kitty: Mew.

Penguin: Let's find The Magician and apologize!

Pirate: Or steal his magic wand.

Penguin: Are you drunk?

Pirate: Pickled. Just like a sardine.

Penguin: That's herring.

Pirate: You'll be a dead herring if you don't run faster.

Kitty: Mew.

Bear: (reaching) Got you!

But just as the Bear was reaching for the Bottle, he tipped over the tipsy Pirate which sent him rolling away much faster than he could run. Kitty jumped on the can of sardines, and batted it like a toy, but that did not make it open. "Mew," mewed Kitty, sadly. But we have to be glad The Penguin is safe while the Pirate goes to find The Magician and apologize--or steal his wand.

The Pirate and The Penguin

This is what happens when you make The Magician mad. 

THE MAGICIAN STEPS IN

While the Monkey and his Mate are distracted by a banana, let us return to The Pirate's Lair under The Bridge of Misery.

The Princess did not hear from the Sailor nor did he return with her crown, so she discreetly asked the Court Magician for help. (She still has not told her father, The King, about her flirtation with The Pirate.)

The Magician realized this was a serious matter. He did not want The Princess to perish from a broken heart, nor the King to be deeply saddened.

He called upon The Pirate, who was relaxing with his friend, The Penguin, watching Pittsburgh get clobbered by The Phillies.

The Magician noticed that The Penguin looked nervous and could not face him directly. The Pirate, however, was used to lying straight into others' faces.

"Pull up a chair, make yourself at home," he offered The Magician. "Can I take your wand?"

"If you know the magic words," the Magician replied.

"Please? Please can I take your wand?" The Pirate asked.

"Not quite right," said The Magician.

"I'll be your best friend," said the Pirate, smiling. It always makes him happy when he is lying. Kind of like certain members of my family.

"Where is The Sailor?" The Magician demanded.

You are all business. He's all business, isn't he?" The Pirate said to The Penguin, who still could not look at the Magician directly. "He's around here somewhere. Penguin, you want to help arrrrrgh guest find his pal?"

The Penguin shook his head no nervously. He knew that one swipe of the Magician's wand and he could be turned into a can of sardines.

"Our team is losing," said the Pirate. "You're not going to miss anything."

The Magician was becoming impatient with him. "Where is the Princess's crown?"

"Arrrgh, I traded it in for a six-pack of Budweisers--you know they're the King of Beers, so they take crowns."

A word of advice: do not, ever, for any reason, even as a joke, make a magician angry with you.

Giving In

The Monkey's Mate says:

Don't do it! Don't leave the crown and go for the banana!
But if you do, I want some delicious banana, too.

The Princess perhaps should have given them some advance bananas, to avert temptation.

Temptation

Just when it seemed the Princess would have her crown returned by the intrepid Monkeys, Old Scratch himself appeared from far below, even further below than the Pirate's Lair under the Bridge of Misery, which is like a Rest Stop on the way up.

Herr Teufel showed the Monkeys one heck of a banana, insinuated the crown would be just fine if they put it down and rewarded themselves for their good deed. What's the hurry? Where's the harm in enjoying a banana?

The Monkey and his Mate debated. There was something about his smile that the Mate found, well, insincere. Shouldn't they be getting back to the Kingdom?

But then again, they might get hungry....

Run For It!

Quick, while Rex thinks the Monkey is placing the crown on his head!

Tricky Maneuver

Here's what happened. the Monkeys persuaded Rex to grab the crown from the Emperor Penguin, telling Rex that his name means "King" and he should have the crown (even if it really belongs to The Princess).

Keep in mind, though, that Rex is a very large puppet with a very small brain. He grabbed the crown--but cannot get it on his head. He has come to realize--the hard way--that you cannot eat the crown.

The Monkeys are trying to convince Rex to open his big mouth so that they can place the crown on his head where it belongs. If that works--and that's a big if--they will then have to figure out how to both place the crown on his head and get it back to The Princess. And not get eaten. And get it past the Pirate. And see if the Sailor can be pulled away from admiring himself in the mirror.

Rex to the Rescue?

He's snatched The Princess's crown away. Did the Monkeys ask him to? Or does Rex want to crown himself King?

TWO SIDES PLOTTING

Once one puppet acts on his evil impulses, is it really surprising that this kind of behavior could spread like a contagion to other puppets? It's a rhetorical question, you don't need to write in.

It's becoming clear what happened: The Pirate stole The Princess's crown, has held it in his Lair under the Bridge of Misery, diverted the intrepid (and very vain) Sailor while the Pirate's friend, The Penguin, now clearly confused and thinking that the crown was simply up for grabs, offered it to the Emperor Penguin. The Emperor Penguin accepted the crown, thinking, as so many small-minded puppets will, that he is an actual Emperor. That can happen when puppets cut themselves off from he rest of the world and feel superior.

Speaking of superior, The Monkey and his Mate have been dispatched to hang above The Pirate's Lair and see if they are clever enough to find a way to 1) get the crown back for The Princess and 2) get The Pirate to behave a little better.

(We don't expect the Pirate will stop acting like a pirate, we just want to let him know my lawyers are better than his lawyers.)

So, while The Pirate plots further mischief with the puppets he thinks are under his control, let us root for The Monkey and his Mate to be as clever as the thieves are brazen.

@#$%@&% Pirate!

Hey! Where did the puppet go? It was around here somewhere. I bet the Pirate took off with it. It is really time that someone did something about him!

THE EMPEROR PENGUIN

How did the Princess's crown get on his head?

Clearly, he has friends in low places.



(Waddles was sent to me by my friend Boo in a box marked "Keep Refrigerated.")

Worse and Worse

This is just unspeakable. First, The Pirate steals my earrings. If you recall, these are the earrings my parents brought me from Spain, and now he claims that they changed their minds, can you believe, and decided that he should have my earrings. He got his bottom-feeding pinhead lawyer Pinocchio to file charges against me, saying I was trying to steal back my own earrings, so now it will cost me more to get my earrings back than it will to buy new ones. Of course, it's what the earrings represent; they're what my parents wanted me to have. Now they're an unhappy memory.

It's made worse by The Pirate using the earrings to tempt The Sailor. This is a side of the Sailor I am not so pleased to see, that he can be tempted. I thought he was better than that. A little flamboyant, sure, but a lot of Naval heroes have been dandies, with their frou-frous and frills and funny hats.

I still haven't told The King about any of this. I know, I said I would, but how to do you tell a father--especially a father who is a king--that his daughter was taken by a scoundrel? And now I have to worry about telling him his manly Sailor is deep in The Pirate's Lair, hidden under the Bridge of Misery. I hope The Princess tells him. I hope The Sailor is able to resist temptation.

Have you ever noticed that Hope is rarely as audacious as Action?

The Sailor Wrestles with The Pirate

The Sailor took the Royal Speedboat out to The Pirate's Lair underneath the Bridge of Misery. Quietly, he approached The Pirate, who was busily counting his silver and gold.

The Sailor jumped The Pirate and rolled him to the ground, where they rolled and rolled.

"I can give you some of my silver," said The Pirate, "If you'll let me go."

"It will require more than Silver to make me let go of you!" The Sailor proclaimed.

"I can give you some of my gold," offered The Pirate.

"The only gold I want is the return of the Princess's crown," the Sailor replied, stoutly.

They rolled some more.

"I have some very nice earrings, how about those?" said The Pirate.

This made The Sailor think.

The Sailor Comforts the Princess

"There, there," said the Sailor. "I'll get aboard my ship and hunt down that rascally Pirate and get your crown back!"

The Princess cried: "My father The King will be so angry!"

The Sailor replied, "I'll have him in chains (oooooh!) before the King knows about it!"

"Will you hurt him?"

"Only if the coward turns his back to me!"

The Princess in Tears

Where has the Pirate gone? Where is her crown? She should have listened to her father.

A Theatre Review

I sent my ace reviewer out to see a wonderful play that was close to Shakes-
pearean. He reports:



There are many real and compelling characters in Max Leavitt's new play, MALA, that premiered on Hollywood's Theatre row recently. It portrays the story of an athletic and striking young woman, Mala Zimmetbaum, the only woman to escape from Auschwitz, the Nazi's notorious WWII concentration camp (and later returned when her lover was recaptured). The drama and humanity cannot be more compelling; the renewed call to conscience for the audiences who bear witness to this story revive the great role and importance of theatre itself.

The play takes scenes from Mala Zimmetbaum's life, recorded in part by survivors she had helped. Because of her facility with many languages--her family was Polish, but had moved to Belgium--she was given an office job at Auschwitz, which position she used to protect as many as she could from the harder outdoor labors that would kill them, even when standing up for others caused punishment for her.

It is the kind of leading role that many an actress would kill for. The lovely Cooper Harris brings the right combination of intelligence and spunk to Mala. She does not play the martyr for a moment, which is an excellent choice, as it makes the facts of Mala's life even more genuinely moving. We see her first in 1936 as a young and daring equestrienne, competing for a medal that she wins, then gives to an injured rider. Next, the voice of Winston Churchill, in 1939 announces (from an actual radio broadcast) the Nazi invasion of Poland, and Mala is packing the prized knife that belongs to her father, a decorated officer of the Polish Army. The scene is crucial to understanding Mala's character. The knife is passed down to the next generation, and Mala becomes a de facto soldier.

It makes perfect sense, then, that when she is captured by the Gestapo and sent to Auschwitz, she would fall in love with Edek Galinski (ably played by the poetic Nicholas Vitulli), a Polish soldier who had been captured in battle and managed to survive a few years already. At first, she is put off by him, as his job at the Camp involves relieving incoming Jews of their valuables, including gold fillings.

But Edek is part of the Resistance, and asks her to take some of the Nazi's written office records of its prisoners so these can be smuggled to the outside world, without great hope that it will care, but at least that it will know.

The logistics of romance at a Death Camp provide some tour de force moments for a fellow Polish inmate played by Nicholas Tucci, who is simply brilliant in this and each of the small roles he plays.

This is helpful, as the love scenes are not fully realized--obviously, they were not witnessed, and they serve more to move the action forward than to create deeper appreciation of the miracle that has occurred. However, if the play continues to larger venues, as it should (even with the absolutely ingenious staging in the current small space), the play can grow and have more precise shaping. The drama of the second act relies on the actual events and the actors' skills (not inconsiderable, more on those in a moment), but it still needs to follow classic structure if it wishes to reach the largest possible audience, which it must do.

Especially good, even in thankless roles, were Heather Kirkland Howe as the sadistic female Nazi commandante, and Max Leavitt (the writer and director) as Elias Lindzin, a soldier whose life force suffuses the entire production.

In a town where one-man or one-woman plays proliferate to showcase individual talents, it is heartening to see this challenging ensemble work produced, which, given the historic scope of complexity of the story, is in many ways more suited to cinema. There cannot be too much praise for the entire cast and production team, and I challenge anyone to find a story more moving than MALA.

It is proof yet again, that the triumph of the human spirit shall always be the lesson in remembering The Holocaust, and that its remembrance, in the stories of each unique victim, shall continue to amaze.

THE PRINCESS & THE PIRATE!!!!

Uh-oh. Trouble. What did I tell you?

Why do nice Princesses always go for the bad boys?



Um, Honey, Your Highness, pardon me, but this is NOT the guy you should allow to try on your crown. You think you're in control because he's on his back, but he's on his back because that's where he does his best scheming.

And because he's drunk.

To borrow from Winston Churchill, in the morning he may no longer be drunk, but you'll feel a lot less like a princess.

I'm going to go tell The King. It's for your own good.

KITTY

Kitty is actually good friends with the Gorilla, they hang out together most of the time, except when I'm knitting. This is the start of the scarf for cousin Liz in Paris's purple leather coat.

The Mouse is the only puppet afraid of Kitty.

(I know this entry is a little boring, but it's Kitty's job just to be cute.)

THE FINE YOUNG CANNIBAL

I used to have a Missionary puppet, but cannot find him now.

This guy enjoys hunting, spearfishing, dancing and applied biophysics. His best buddy is the Gorilla. He does not get along very well with most of the other puppets.

He supports Barack Obama.

KWONG II

When Kwong I returned from New York, he was overjoyed to see he had a mate, Kwong II (a female). I had been overjoyed to see Kwong II when the Great Magnetic Husband brought him to me in Lexington, Kentucky when I was working on Seabiscuit. He had gone through the Cincinnati airport where they had more panda puppets. He knew I missed Kwong I in New York and thought to buy her for me. She was very helpful when I was casting kids.

A little about the mating habits of pandas: since they are usually solitary creatures, they are often inept at breeding. However when shown panda sex videos, they catch on quickly.

These two only fight over the remote. Hmmmmmm.

KWONG I

Kwong is a very deep and thoughtful Panda Puppet, found at the San Diego Zoo in 1997 when there was a new panda cub on exhibit (and there is nothing in the world as cute as a baby Panda). I bought him and tried waving at the other visitors to the Zoo that day, and then decided the world is divided into two types of people: those who will wave back at a panda puppet and those who will not. Age is not the determinant. Outlook is.

He is named after my favorite doctor, renowned allergist Frank Kwong, who was born in Hong Kong. Because I felt the puppet also possessed healing qualities, I took him to New York to attend to my mother when she became ill. He was particularly fond of the Calvin Klein bamboo sheets on her bed, and enjoyed watching cooking shows with her (Chinese food a favorite, of course).

Alas, there is just so much a puppet can do, and I recently retrieved him and took him back to Los Angeles, where there is a Kwong II, in hopes that two Kwongs can make things right.

MUFFY & BUFFY (The Horsewomen)

Muffy and Buffy are two great equestriennes, they ride traditional English Saddle, are more in love with their horses than anything else in the whole wide world! They were a great help to me when I was working on Seabiscuit, which is one of their favorite movies, along with National Velvet and Black Beauty.

Their favorite jockey is Frank Lovato, Jr. (they call him "Frankie") because he makes big toy horses now.

They were found in Charlottesville, while shopping in a tack store for a new bridle and girth. I decided to keep the two girls together, as they seemed inseparable.

Their ambition is to meet Laura Hillenbrand one day.

The Sailor

There are certain questions you shouldn't ask the Sailor because he is not going to tell anyway. He enjoys going out on the high seas with the fellas, but he enjoys shore leave even more. Whether he is letting off steam at his favorite bar, The Blowhole, catching a Broadway Show, or having a fabulous evening at home listening to Liza Minnelli or Bette Midler, the Sailor works hard and plays even harder. 

He joined The Navy to see the world and for the camaraderie with his fellow sailors. His favorite city is Gay Paree. His favorite song is In The Navy by The Village People. His favorite Movie is Brokeback Mountain. A confirmed Bachelor, the Sailor and his roommate of many years, will be vacationing this summer on Fire Island. The Sailor's mother is hopeful that he will meet a nice girl while on vacation.

THE GAZELLES

These good-natured gazelles (or antelopes), don't mind being a Happy Meal for Spot, our Cheetah puppet. They graze primarily along the Duvet Veldt of our bed during the day, and at night head for the cupboards or the Big Bowl (plenty of fruits and grains there). They are not as fond of watching Big Cat Diary as he is, it seems their type always loses. How can you tell a gazelle that he's not interesting enough for his own TV program? I tried to read them The Yearling and show them Bambi, but they attempted to eat the book and fell asleep soon as the lights went down for the movie.

So, they're happy enough being chased by Spot and he's happy to chase them. It's a good arrangement.

HIPPOPOTAMUS MAXIMUS

The Hippo is a creature of enormous contradictions: a gentle herbivore who also causes more deaths than any other large animal in Africa; a rotund oaf who is also graceful as a ballerina in the water; and a keen observer of human nature who is not a complete cynic. No wonder I like Hippos so much.

Not everyone does, though. The King and many in his Court are afraid of the Hippo, seen here attacking some innocent flowers. They think he is like Rex (aka The Devious Dragon), whose greatness of size does not translate to a greatness of spirit, but with The Hippo, there is nothing sneaky or devious. It's hard for a hippo to be sneaky, anyway.

He is a great fan of classic cinema, particularly enjoys Walt Disney's Fantasia and could watch Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn every day in The African Queen.

THE DOG

After The Hunter held his rifle to The (light-fingered) Pirate, The Pirate felt as if he had to drink a whole bottle of Tabasco to steady his nerves. At least that was last night's excuse. This morning, he was passed out next to his friend, The Penguin, who looks as if he may have had a few sips of the sauce himself. The Dog, out on his morning walk, gave in inquisitive sniff to the Pirate's crotch, and clearly got a whiff of mischief, because he then went and peed on the rug!




The Dog was a gift puppet from my friend Lisa Celery, who found him in Prague.

How do you say, "Bad Dog!" in Czech?

THE HUNTER

Arrrrgh! Just when The Hunter needs to be keeping Rex and the Hippo away from law-abiding folks, or rescuing Little Red Riding Hood from The Wolf , The Pirate has to cause trouble. Those are my Spanish earrings from my parents that he swiped and is brazenly wearing. He claims that my parents gave him the earrings, changed their minds about letting me keep my own jewelry. When I point out how ridiculous that is, he says to talk to his lawyer, Pinocchio.

The Hunter says he is willing to shoot The Pirate. I told him not to. Yet.

REX

Rex (also known as the Devious Dragon) is a very large puppet with a very small brain. He is not without brain power, he just uses it to bully--and eat--other toys. In fact, all he ever thinks about is eating. As as soon as he consumes one toy, he starts thinking about the next toy he will eat. He is insatiable. He does have some morals, but these are quickly overcome when a meal is in sight. He is also a Big Fat Liar--he says he has to eat toys because they are threatening the other toys, but to paraphrase Annie Hall, he's the one, yeah, is he ever.

That's the bad news. The good news is that, like so many bullies, he is actually a coward. All it usually takes is a swift bop on the nose to get him to stop and run away whimpering. Then he behaves himself--until he's hungry again. The Hunter usually keeps him in check for The King. The Magician is supposed to be working on a spell to transform him into a gentler creature, but he's no Dragon Whisperer.


Rex's favorite movie is Jurassic Park.

THE KING

The King is a very welcoming kind of fellow, wants everyone to be happy in his Kingdom, and yet maintains his regal style. The gold crown doesn't hurt, of course. He thinks of himself as a benevolent despot, much prefers granting his subjects' wishes over throwing them into dungeons. He wishes it were otherwise, but he has had to send a few stalwarts, including the Court Magician and The Hunter, out to do battle with a Devious Dragon and the Hippopotamus Maximus.

Since the Queen passed away, he has doted on his daughters (see The Princess) to the point of foolishness. However, the tricky thing about being the King is that few people will tell you when you are being foolish. This is why they have actual Fools in Courts (and I'm not talking about certain lawyers I've met).

The King is a great fan of the arts in many forms, has enjoyed The Lion King, The Return of the King, King of Hearts, The Fisher King, King Kong and King Creole, just for starters.

He says that Larry King is not an actual King, but is a pretender to the throne.

He loves the music of Louis Armstrong and King Oliver.

He agrees with The Chef and Mario Batali that Parmigiano Reggiano is the King of Cheeses, perhaps the gratest King of all.