SELF CONGRATULATION

"I think that went rather well, don't you?" said Grandma.

"It's a good start," said Little Head Lying Good, "But I wish he was a little more creative with the kinds of lawsuits we can use to attack her. I'll think of some for him."

"Always taking care of everything," said Grandma.

NEW ORDERS

"Okie-dokie, if that's what you-a want, but I think it might not-a help to sell the house if Little Red Riding-a-Hood, she get kicked out by-a her own Grandmama."

"Don't forget, I am dying!" said Grandma, quickly reclining and straining her voice.

"It's fairly clear where the sympathies will go," said Little Head. "Until you do this we cannot pay you."

"Then I go," said Pinocchio," now wishing he had never become involved with these two.

LITTLE HEAD HAS A BIG IDEA

"Here's my idea," said Little Head, as if no opinion in the entire history of the world mattered as much. "Let's lock her out of her house!"

"Um--I don't-a know that the law will like-a that," said Pinocchio.

"Who cares about the law?" said Grandma. "I love it." She thought a moment. "Go do it now!"

"Pronto?" asked Pinocchio. "We got to get the court order first."

"If you do, you're fired," said Little Head.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE LAWSUITS

"I think it would make me feel much better if you could tell me about some of the lawsuits you could launch for me," said Grandma.

"Let's hear 'em, blockhead," said Little Head.

"Well first-a, I would say she was making you-a sick, and she ought to be-a sued for that."

"Ooooh, can we do that?" Grandma asked. "I really like that."

"I have an idea!" said Little Head.

HOW DARE YOU?

"How DARE you?" said Grandma.

"I meant-a no insult," said Pinocchio. "I'm just-a rooting for you."

"Well root for me by getting me some money, that always makes me feel better."

"Can you prepare some lawsuits against her?" asked Little Head. "That usually gets money."

"Why certo!" said Pinocchio. "How many you need?"

Grandma smiled. "Look at the way Little Head is always thinking of me, looking to take care of me."

"Can you get creative with the lawsuits?" asked Little Head.

"Let me just-a say this," began Pinocchio. "I have not even begun to get over the-a emotional distress she cause-a me by showing up at her own house."

KGB ABCs

"She said she heard about-a the black cat, so she came to feed him," said Pinocchio.

"She's very sneaky," said Grandma.

"Clearly, she's just using that as a ruse," said Little Head. "It was probably my enemies at the KGB who tipped her off."

"That's-a crazy," said Pinocchio. "They would have to-a be my enemies at the KGB, because it messed up me."

"You're not important enough to have enemies, the way I do," sneered Little Head.

"Shut up, both of you," said Grandma. "You're annoying me and I have to get some rest so I can get my strength up and figure out how to get that house away from her."

"So you-a not dying?" said Pinocchio, brightly. "That's-a good."

THWART REPORT

"I had a little bit of the trouble," reported Pinocchio. "First-a the big black cat, he cross my path. I try to ignore him, but he-a follow me to the house and he spook the buyer."

"You're lying," said Little Head Lying Good.

"No lie," Pinocchio insisted. "That-a cat bring bad luck in the form of Little Red Riding Hood herself."

"What was she doing at her house?" barked Grandma. "She was supposed to be out!"
"I bet she went just to keep you from selling her house!" said Little Head.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

A brief interruption in this macabre tale to introduce the newest puppet, Filberto the Raccoon (Bert, for short), a present from my Pookie for our 11th wedding anniversary. A fine addition to the family. Actually, he resembles my family in many ways.

GRANDMA'S SPECIAL DAY

"Not exactimente," said Pinocchio. "I had-a the slight-a problem."

"You come to me with problems?" snarled Grandma. "When I'm on my deathbed?"

"Mi scusi," said Pinocchio. "You look-a pretty good."

"Well, it's my birthday," said Grandma, "So I'm rallying just for the day."

"I don't-a get it," said Pinocchio. "It is your birthday or your death day?"

"It's my special day," said Grandma, and I expect a lot of money!"

THE FRESH INVALID

"Was that the door? I can barely hear," said Grandma in a loud whisper.

"Ciao, Grand-a-ma, ciao, Capellini," said Pinocchio, entering. "How-a-come you in-a the bed?"

"She doesn't feel well," said Little Head Lying Good.

"Who's there?" said Grandma. "I can barely see."

"It's Pinocchio," said Little Head.

"Did you bring me lots of money?" asked Grandma, suddenly strong.

BACK AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE

Little Head Lying Good advised Grandma to remain lying in bed.

"You must do everything I say," he instructed. "I will make sure you get everything you want."

"Lying in bed--that sounds like fun," said Grandma.

There was a wooden knock on the wooden door.

"That must be that moron, Pinocchio," said Little Head.

KWONG CONTINUES HIS STORY

"No," said Kwong, "But even if they do terrible things, no one can devise a greater punishment than they have already created for themselves."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" Spot asked.

"Not really--it's pretty rotten. You're supposed to feel depressed about it."

"Oh. Good," said Spot, even more confused, if possible.

"And if you think all that was bad, wait until you hear what happened when Pinocchio reported back to Little Head and Grandma."

A PANDA'S WISDOM

Kwong the Panda came to comfort Spot. "It has nothing to do with being smart," he explained. "In fact, it's usually those who are told they are more intelligent--and feel the world does not always recognize their genius--they can feel wounded by lack of attention. That wound is as real to them as if they had actually been injured."

"But they're not," said Spot.

SPOT THE CHEETAH IS STILL CONFUSED

He has been following the story as Kwong the Panda has recorded (well, about as well as one can), and says the story is as hard to pin down as a gazelle running away.

He has to stop and wonder why people do terrible things to each other, like lions who kill for no reason, except that they have to feel dominant. If they were really so smart and powerful, they would not have to, would they?

VALENTINES DAY WISHES

The Monkeys wish you much happiness, a lot of chocolate, and bunches of bananas.

FRIDAY THE 13TH BAD LUCK

"There is nothing you can do," said Kitty. "The poison is winning. You can see it is making my eyes turn green. I would rather die than become a greedy being, so I shall leave you."

"Please don't go," squeaked the Mouse. "we need you."

"I must go," said the Black Cat, his voice fading, "but I can still, from beyond, bring bad luck to those who lie and steal."

"Thank you, Kitty," said the Mouse. "Thank you for all you've done."

But Kitty did not hear, he was already on his way to crossing the paths of assorted miscreants who saw nothing, but felt a strange warm wind with a slight aroma of sardines.

KITTY IN COMBAT

"I am using all my strength to fight the poison, otherwise I would want to eat you, yes," said Kitty. The Mouse noticed that Kitty looked uncommonly fragile. "Really, anything I can do for you?" he asked, backing away slightly.

THE MOUSE THANKS THE BLACK CAT

The Mouse ran quickly to see Kitty and thank him for bringing Bad Luck to Pinocchio. "You did it!" he squeaked.

"Yes," purred Kitty," but it will cost me."

"What do you mean?" asked the Mouse.

"There was poison at the house."

"Oh, no! Can I get an antidote?"

"There is none," said Kitty. "The poison gets into your eyes and makes you crave whatever you see, whether it is yours or not. Pinocchio was infected by Little Head Lying Good, and he in turn spread it around the house. "

"Do you crave me?' asked the Mouse, nervously.

MORE FORMS OF LUCK

"That can't be right," said Little Red Riding Hood. "I just-a lied," said Pinocchio, but don't-a you worry, it's the only time.

It means Good Luck"

"Thank you," she said. "I'll need it."

"You lucky already," he said. "That Black-a Cat, I think-a he jinxed the deal."

"You're not superstitious, are you?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.

"Me? Hah! Not for-a the minute." He noticed something gleaming on the ground. "Hey! There's a lucky-a penny! Good luck for the whole day!" He dove for the penny and dashed away.

BUONA FORTUNA?

As The U.B. walked away, Little Red Riding Hood tried to make it less awkward. "I have no idea how this all is going to end," she said, "so perhaps you and your client would like to come in?"

"No grazie," said Pinocchio, "I think-a maybe I go and-a show my guy another house."

"Just for a cup of tea? Or some goodies?"

"Maybe you just-a go and take care of your cat. Buona fortuna with your grandmama."

"Buona fortuna?" asked Little Red Riding Hood?

"That's Italian for your Grandmama suck fish bones."

THE BLACK CAT COMES BACK

Just as Little Red Riding Hood was relaying the 13th part of her very unlucky story, the Black Cat crossed in front again. "That's it! said the Unsuspecting Buyer. "I am beginning to think there may be just a little bit of bad luck with the house. I am no longer interested."

HISTORY 13

And then she said, "I'm going to let you take the goodies out as usual today. I'm going to stay in and take care of your mother."

So I thanked her. But not too long after that, I lost my mother and soon the battle over my cottage began.

HISTORY 12

"Um--Grandma, there's something I should tell you about your friend Mr. Madoff."

"That he is such a dear boy? There's nothing you can tell me about him."

"There's a terrible reason he can't go out at all."

"Of course there is--those mean people think he took their money."

"Yes, he did."

"Not at all--he was just performing some high-level transactions that I showed him how to do. He learned everything he knows about finance from me."

HISTORY 11

"Of course I know, don't be stupid," she said.

"I didn't meant to say you were," I said, trying to sooth the situation. "I only meant it's been a while since you saw the list of who needs goodies."

"Are you saying I'm out of touch?" she snapped. "Are you saying I'm old?" She took a moment to wheeze. "I know perfectly well who needs goodies."

"All right," I said. "So what will your route be?"

"My dear old friend Bernie Madoff is stuck at home, can't go out at all, I'm going to visit him first."

HISTORY 10

Grandma reached over to take the basket of goodies away from me. "I'm going to take these and let people thank the person who really deserves thanks," she insisted.

"Do you know who needs the goodies?" I asked.

HISTORY 9

"Grandma, there are a lot of people waiting for their goodies. Just let me go deliver these and we can talk about it tonight."

HISTORY 8

"This is crazy," I said to Grandma. "I'm not trying to trick you. All I'm trying to do is make it through the woods safely every day and deliver baskets of goodies."

"I'm the one who makes it possible for you to go on your little trips, but you get all the credit for it," she snarled, looking meaner than any hungry wolf I might encounter. "Everyone thinks you're so wonderful, but they never talk about me any more."

HISTORY 7

"You're just trying to trick me, aren't you?" Grandma said. "You're going to be sorry!"

HISTORY 6

"Why don't you just keep everything, that will be fine," I said. "You can go and deliver the goodies, I'll stay and take care of things here."

HISTORY 5

"You stole the Red outfit from me," Grandma said. "I don't blame you, I would have done the same, but it really belongs to me, do everything you do in it belongs to me, too."

It was then I began to realize that Grandma had changed.

HISTORY 4: WHOSE RED RIDING HOOD IS IT, ANYWAY?

"What do you mean, it's too small for me?" Grandma said. "I still wear a size six and I can fit into all my clothing. That red outfit suits me better, anyway."

"Grandma, I think the purple really suits you wonderfully now."

"Why do you insist on wearing my clothing?" she asked next.

I fumbled for an answer. "I think this is my clothing."

HISTORY 3

"I'll put on a Red Cape with a Hood and deliver them all over."

"But Grandma, I said, "That's what I do. People will be confused."

"No, they won't," she said, "They will think I am you."

"But we don't look the same."

"Give me your Red Riding Hood."

Then I made my Big Mistake. I said, "Grandma, don't be silly, my clothing is too small for you."

HISTORY 2

"One day as I was preparing to go out with a basket of goodies, Grandma came up to me and asked me not to deliver it.

"I want it for myself."

"I'll bring you your own basket of goodies this afternoon, all right?" I offered.

"I want all the baskets of goodies," she insisted.

"Grandma, what will you do with so many baskets of goodies?"

RED RIDING HOOD'S HISTORY 1

"Let me tell you the history of this house," said Little Red Riding Hood. "It was built many years ago by a dear lady my mother, Big Blue Riding Hood, used to bring baskets of goodies. This lady lived to a great old age and wanted only to live out her days in her house. She was able to do so, because my mother brought her baskets of goodies. The dear lady gave the house to my mother, as she had no children of her own.

When my own mother took ill, the job of delivering baskets of goodies fell to me, but I could not both deliver baskets of goodies and tend to my mother, so my grandmother came to help. At first she did, and it was fine. But that did not last."

WHERE IT LIES

"Yes, my home," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"You look much too young to be a grandma," said the U.B.

"I'm not a grandma," she said. "Who gave you that idea?"

Pinocchio jumped in: "I must have been completely misinformed! A lady down at the real estate office said it belonged to a sweet old grandma who wanted to sell it right away."

Little Red Riding Hood sighed. "There is a mistake, yes, but where it lies we must find out."

A FEW QUICK LIES

"That-a cat-a, he already-a got a dish of the latte," lied Pinocchio. "I gave it to-a him 'cause he go meow at me."



"So where is the dish?" asked Red Riding Hood.

"And when did you give it to him? We saw him only now," said the U.B.

"I'm getting him a saucer of milk and that's that," said Red Riding Hood. "May I bring you something as well?"

"No!" cried Pinocchio. "Please-a don't go in!"

"Why should I not go into my own home?" asked Red Riding Hood.

"Your home?" asked the Now-Suspecting Buyer.

DOUBLE TROUBLE

Before Pinocchio could answer, they were startled by Little Red Riding Hood coming down the walkway, carrying a basket of goodies.

"Can you gentlemen please help me?" she asked, politely.

"Hey!" said Pinocchio. "You supposed to-a be delivering baskets of-a the goodies!"

"I came back because heard there was a big black cat who got lost and I'm trying to find its owner." She saw the cat. "There he is! I'm going to go inside and get a saucer of milk for him."

"You're going into the house?" asked the U.B.

"You can't!" cried Pinocchio, trying to think of a lie as quickly as he could.

DOUBLE CROSSING

The Black Cat, having followed Pinocchio through the woods, walked in front of Little Red Riding Hood's House, crossing the entire pathway.

"I'm scared!" said the U.B.

"It's-a nothing to be -a scared about," said Pinocchio. "that Black Cat, he's a crossed my-a path twice now."

""Twice???!!!" cried the U.B. "That's--that's double trouble."

"No, no," said Pinocchio, "Double is just what I charge-a you for-a the house."

"Double?" said the U.B., who was beginning to be a little suspecting.

"You betta," said Pinocchio. "Two times-a the crossing is the good luck."

"Are you sure it's not just double-crossing?" asked the U.B.

SQUARE FOOTAGE

"I think we will-a have to come back to look at the-a inside after you buy-a the house," said Pinocchio. "Then you can-a see how much-a space you got. You don't want to plan-a too much."

"Gawrsh, OK, said the U.B. "But can you tell me how much square footage there is?"

Pinocchio looked at his own feet in hopes of finding an answer there. "Do you mean-a square feet like-a mine or more like your size?"

"I wear a size 15 EEE," said the U.B. "What does that translate to?"

Pinocchio kept looking at his feet for another answer, when something unexpected happened.

A CHIFFEROBE, TOO

"It will-a fit, it will-a fit! cried Pinocchio. Take-a my word! Don't you believe-a me?" Beads of nervous perspiration began to show on his wooden face.

"Gawrsh, sure, but my doghouse is a pretty big thing, and I want to see if my chifferobe can get in there, too."

I KNOW YOU'D NEVER LIE

"Please, may I see the inside?" asked the U.B.

"Don't you trust-at me?" replied Pinocchio.

"Sure, sure," said the U.B., "I know you'd never lie, but I'd like to see if my doghouse would fit in the bedroom?"

NEXT STEP

"Next-a we make the separate agreement just-a between you and-a me, where you get-a the chance to say just how much you like me and the house in the-a numbers."

"Sure thing!" said the Unsuspecting Buyer.
"Could we maybe just take a little look at the inside first?"

"Oh," said Pinocchio, you know they say the house is like-a the book--you can always judge it by its-a cover."

GETTING CLOSER TO A DEAL

The Buyer said "Gawrsh, Pinocchio, that's a good-looking house. Who lives there?"

"Just-a the little old-a grandmama, who sleeps there only on the Sundays," said Pinocchio.

"So it doesn't get much use then?"

"Very-a low miles on the-a house. That's why the price-a goes so high. I have to-a double the price"

"Double the price? Gawrsh"

"It's-a the good deal. You see."

"Well, if you say so, I was told you were the best real estate lawyer in all of the city."

"That's in the entire United-a States, and-a most of Europa, too," said Pinocchio.

"Well, Okie-dokie, then," said the Buyer. "What do we do next?"

LITTLE RED RIDING HOUSE

Pinocchio took the unsuspecting buyer to the house early in the morning. The U.B. did not notice anything was wrong. "This-a house is the most-a modern-a house you can get anywhere!" said Pinocchio. That-a type-a roof? They call-a it the thatched-a roof, it has-a the hidden solar panels to make the electricity at-a night while you sleep!"

A WOODEN BRAIN IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

Pinocchio could not come up with an easy answer to his question about how wrong it would be to overcharge the buyer for the house that should not be sold, so instead he concentrated his mind on the amount by which he should overcharge the swindlers. This mental activity he found very satisfying.

NOW!

Excuse my Monkey, he had to say the stitches were out and it's banana time.

MORE THAN 2 WRONGS?

Pinocchio had a thought--what if he charged the unsuspecting buyer more for Red Riding Hood's House and took a little extra for himself? How wrong would that be? When you were already doing something wrong, did a little extra wrong really matter?

THE PLAN

Still, he had a slight sense of unease as he made his way through the town to Little Red Riding Hood's house, where he was going to meet an unwitting buyer, recommended to him by the Tipsy Lady at the local real estate office. She would take a cut of the the sale of the house, and Grandma and Little Head would get the rest, and then they'd give him some. How could it go wrong?

CONTINUING ON

Pinocchio passed right under the black cat, and repeated to himself that he was glad he was not a superstitious puppet.

Really, he wasn't.

NOW?

That was wonderful, Monkey.

Thank you. Now may I eat a banana?

Not until the stitches come out. Maybe Wednesday.

OK. I'll let you get back to the story, then.