HISTORY 2

"One day as I was preparing to go out with a basket of goodies, Grandma came up to me and asked me not to deliver it.

"I want it for myself."

"I'll bring you your own basket of goodies this afternoon, all right?" I offered.

"I want all the baskets of goodies," she insisted.

"Grandma, what will you do with so many baskets of goodies?"

RED RIDING HOOD'S HISTORY 1

"Let me tell you the history of this house," said Little Red Riding Hood. "It was built many years ago by a dear lady my mother, Big Blue Riding Hood, used to bring baskets of goodies. This lady lived to a great old age and wanted only to live out her days in her house. She was able to do so, because my mother brought her baskets of goodies. The dear lady gave the house to my mother, as she had no children of her own.

When my own mother took ill, the job of delivering baskets of goodies fell to me, but I could not both deliver baskets of goodies and tend to my mother, so my grandmother came to help. At first she did, and it was fine. But that did not last."

WHERE IT LIES

"Yes, my home," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"You look much too young to be a grandma," said the U.B.

"I'm not a grandma," she said. "Who gave you that idea?"

Pinocchio jumped in: "I must have been completely misinformed! A lady down at the real estate office said it belonged to a sweet old grandma who wanted to sell it right away."

Little Red Riding Hood sighed. "There is a mistake, yes, but where it lies we must find out."

A FEW QUICK LIES

"That-a cat-a, he already-a got a dish of the latte," lied Pinocchio. "I gave it to-a him 'cause he go meow at me."



"So where is the dish?" asked Red Riding Hood.

"And when did you give it to him? We saw him only now," said the U.B.

"I'm getting him a saucer of milk and that's that," said Red Riding Hood. "May I bring you something as well?"

"No!" cried Pinocchio. "Please-a don't go in!"

"Why should I not go into my own home?" asked Red Riding Hood.

"Your home?" asked the Now-Suspecting Buyer.

DOUBLE TROUBLE

Before Pinocchio could answer, they were startled by Little Red Riding Hood coming down the walkway, carrying a basket of goodies.

"Can you gentlemen please help me?" she asked, politely.

"Hey!" said Pinocchio. "You supposed to-a be delivering baskets of-a the goodies!"

"I came back because heard there was a big black cat who got lost and I'm trying to find its owner." She saw the cat. "There he is! I'm going to go inside and get a saucer of milk for him."

"You're going into the house?" asked the U.B.

"You can't!" cried Pinocchio, trying to think of a lie as quickly as he could.

DOUBLE CROSSING

The Black Cat, having followed Pinocchio through the woods, walked in front of Little Red Riding Hood's House, crossing the entire pathway.

"I'm scared!" said the U.B.

"It's-a nothing to be -a scared about," said Pinocchio. "that Black Cat, he's a crossed my-a path twice now."

""Twice???!!!" cried the U.B. "That's--that's double trouble."

"No, no," said Pinocchio, "Double is just what I charge-a you for-a the house."

"Double?" said the U.B., who was beginning to be a little suspecting.

"You betta," said Pinocchio. "Two times-a the crossing is the good luck."

"Are you sure it's not just double-crossing?" asked the U.B.

SQUARE FOOTAGE

"I think we will-a have to come back to look at the-a inside after you buy-a the house," said Pinocchio. "Then you can-a see how much-a space you got. You don't want to plan-a too much."

"Gawrsh, OK, said the U.B. "But can you tell me how much square footage there is?"

Pinocchio looked at his own feet in hopes of finding an answer there. "Do you mean-a square feet like-a mine or more like your size?"

"I wear a size 15 EEE," said the U.B. "What does that translate to?"

Pinocchio kept looking at his feet for another answer, when something unexpected happened.

A CHIFFEROBE, TOO

"It will-a fit, it will-a fit! cried Pinocchio. Take-a my word! Don't you believe-a me?" Beads of nervous perspiration began to show on his wooden face.

"Gawrsh, sure, but my doghouse is a pretty big thing, and I want to see if my chifferobe can get in there, too."

I KNOW YOU'D NEVER LIE

"Please, may I see the inside?" asked the U.B.

"Don't you trust-at me?" replied Pinocchio.

"Sure, sure," said the U.B., "I know you'd never lie, but I'd like to see if my doghouse would fit in the bedroom?"

NEXT STEP

"Next-a we make the separate agreement just-a between you and-a me, where you get-a the chance to say just how much you like me and the house in the-a numbers."

"Sure thing!" said the Unsuspecting Buyer.
"Could we maybe just take a little look at the inside first?"

"Oh," said Pinocchio, you know they say the house is like-a the book--you can always judge it by its-a cover."

GETTING CLOSER TO A DEAL

The Buyer said "Gawrsh, Pinocchio, that's a good-looking house. Who lives there?"

"Just-a the little old-a grandmama, who sleeps there only on the Sundays," said Pinocchio.

"So it doesn't get much use then?"

"Very-a low miles on the-a house. That's why the price-a goes so high. I have to-a double the price"

"Double the price? Gawrsh"

"It's-a the good deal. You see."

"Well, if you say so, I was told you were the best real estate lawyer in all of the city."

"That's in the entire United-a States, and-a most of Europa, too," said Pinocchio.

"Well, Okie-dokie, then," said the Buyer. "What do we do next?"

LITTLE RED RIDING HOUSE

Pinocchio took the unsuspecting buyer to the house early in the morning. The U.B. did not notice anything was wrong. "This-a house is the most-a modern-a house you can get anywhere!" said Pinocchio. That-a type-a roof? They call-a it the thatched-a roof, it has-a the hidden solar panels to make the electricity at-a night while you sleep!"

A WOODEN BRAIN IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

Pinocchio could not come up with an easy answer to his question about how wrong it would be to overcharge the buyer for the house that should not be sold, so instead he concentrated his mind on the amount by which he should overcharge the swindlers. This mental activity he found very satisfying.

NOW!

Excuse my Monkey, he had to say the stitches were out and it's banana time.

MORE THAN 2 WRONGS?

Pinocchio had a thought--what if he charged the unsuspecting buyer more for Red Riding Hood's House and took a little extra for himself? How wrong would that be? When you were already doing something wrong, did a little extra wrong really matter?

THE PLAN

Still, he had a slight sense of unease as he made his way through the town to Little Red Riding Hood's house, where he was going to meet an unwitting buyer, recommended to him by the Tipsy Lady at the local real estate office. She would take a cut of the the sale of the house, and Grandma and Little Head would get the rest, and then they'd give him some. How could it go wrong?

CONTINUING ON

Pinocchio passed right under the black cat, and repeated to himself that he was glad he was not a superstitious puppet.

Really, he wasn't.

NOW?

That was wonderful, Monkey.

Thank you. Now may I eat a banana?

Not until the stitches come out. Maybe Wednesday.

OK. I'll let you get back to the story, then.

THE MONKEY RHYMES AGAIN

Does it just annoy the rich

When they can't pay Blagojevich?

So used are they to spitball pitch,

That it's a case of bait and switch.

SOME RHYMING COUPLETS FROM THE MONKEY

The Monkey has had an idea for some root canal poetry:


O, it's good to have a pal,
When going through a root canal.

Just not the chatty Periodontist,
Whose bloviations are very-o not missed.

EXCUSE ME, MONKEY WANTS TO SPEAK---

He is not done asking for sympathy about the root canal, because it's not done. What did they do today, Monkey?

"They monkeyed around with my mouth, and it still hurts," said The Monkey. "I'll have to have banana smoothies for a few days."

HELLO, KITTY

As Pinocchio made his way to Little Red Riding Hood's House, to help carry out Little Head's dastardly scheme for Grandma, he spotted the black cat in a tree, watching him. "It's a good-a thing I am not a superstitious puppet," he thought to himself.

OW!

The Monkey is interrupting the story to ask for sympathy for having a root canal. Thank you, now back to the intrigue....

PUPPET ABUSE

"I'll beat whatever you have out of you!" said Little Head, "I'll knock your wooden block off!"

"That's-a not-a nice," said Pinocchio. "You hurt my feelings."

"I'll make it up to you with a lot of money when you just go sell Little Red Riding Hood's House! Is that so hard to do, you moron?"

Pinocchio felt humiliated, but the thought of all the money he might make was too tempting. "No, Sir, I'll go take-a care of that now."

A MEETING OF LIKE MINDS

"You don't doubt me, do you?" said Little Head. "You know, I have a reputation for being the most distinguished diplomat in the entire United States."

"I, too, have-a the reputation," said Pinocchio, "very similar, for all of Europa."

"I ended the Cold War," said Little Head.

"You did? No, that was-a me!" said Pinocchio.

"I'll beat the crap out of you if you tell that lie again," said Little Head.

"I have-a no crap, inside," said Pinocchio. "I just got-a the wood."

WHO COULD RESIST?

"There will be a nice reward for you, if you just do everything I say," added Little Head, with a little smile.

A FEW QUESTIONS

Pinocchio re-approached Little Head Lying Good.

"I got-a the question," said Pinocchio. "I know your name is-a Lying Good, but I got-a ask: Is Lying really all that good?"

"What do you mean?" asked Lying Good. "Everyone knows that lying is the glue that holds societies together."

"Si, I see," said Pinocchio. "But how-a can it hold societies together when it pulls the families apart?"

"That's a naive question," said Lying Good. "Let me assure you that you'll be doing what is right and proper."

Pinocchio could not help noticing that Little head Lying Good looked away from him while he spoke. "Hey, Little-a Head! I'm-a over here!" he said.

"I think it's time for you to go and do what I asked," said Little Head.

A MOMENT OF CONTEMPLATION

Pinocchio realized that he was going to be lying for Little Head Lying Good and stopped to wonder if maybe--just maybe--he should resolve to tell no more lies for his New Year's Resolution. Perhaps he would be a better puppet, perhaps he might become a real boy, perhaps it would help the world become a better place.

ALMOST ON HIS WAY

"I'm on-a my way," said Pinocchio. "You can count on-a me."

Little Head called after him: "Don't mention anything about the house belonging to Red Riding Hood!"

Pinocchio stopped.

MORE OF WHAT THE PANDA OVERHEARD

"You know Little Red Riding Hood?" Little Head asked Pinocchio.

"You bet-a I know The Little Red," said Pinocchio. "She's mighty good with the baskets of goodies. Nice to her Grandmama, too."

"No, she's been terrible to her Grandmother. Has been bleeding her dry."

"You don't say? What a terrible girl. You want me to teach-a her a lesson? I sue!"

"Not yet," said Little Head. "I have another lawyer preparing the lawsuits. I want you to sell her house."

"Sell her house? Isn't she still inside the house?"

"I want you to wait until she is out delivering baskets of goodies, and then go sell her house before she gets back."

That's-a some kind of plan, Sir!"

BAD LUCK WALKING

"I hate liars," said Kitty. "I'm going to teach them a lesson."

"Can you cross their paths?" asked The Mouse.




"I guarantee some serious Bad Luck," said Kitty.

"You go, cat!" said The Mouse, cheering him on.

"Figaro warned us about Pinocchio, but no one did anything. Tell me what else you know."

So The Mouse relayed more of what Kwong The Panda overheard:

YET A LITTLE MORE ON THE LITTLE MOUSE

The Mouse thought he might try to talk to Kitty, as the conversation Kitty had had with Spot had not led to the kind of action that would be helpful to Little Red Riding Hood. In this new attempt, The Mouse thought he would try to get Kitty's full attention by speaking to him at mealtime, which is a very brave thing for any mouse to do.

"O great and powerful Kitty," began The Mouse, "there are terrible things being planned, and we need your magical powers to jinx them."

"First the Cheetah disturbs my rest, now you disturb my breakfast," snarled Kitty. "This better be bad."

"It could not be worse," The Mouse insisted, and told him that Pinocchio had been enlisted to help Little Head Lying Good and Grandma.

EVEN FURTHER INTERRUPTION

You know, it's just not fair to show the mouse holding a present and not show him opening it and trying it on. It's a mask from Venice, so he is ready for Carnivale!

MORE INTERRUPTION

It's Christmas, and it's time to be grateful for small things, like a mouse puppet, and great things, like the Millers who sent a present for my puppets, for The Token Blogger, who sent The Saucy Barmaid herself, for The Great Magnetic Husband, all their families, and all my friends. Cheers and cheese for everyone!

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

An interruption of this terrible story. It's Christmas Eve, and my mouse is nibbling on cheese.

HE'S BAAAAAAAAACK

I am the best attorney in all of the forest, and can have any client in the entire world, but when Little Head Lying Good called me, I said, "Sir, whatever you want, Sir!"

TOO MANY GENIUSES

Kwong played some more from his tapes:

"I am going to find the best lawyer and prepare all the lawsuits I can against Red Riding Hood, and claim that she got the name Hood, not from her cloak, but from being a no-good Hoodlum. That way, when I lock her out of her house, everyone will think that she's to blame."

"And what should I do?" asked Grandma.

"Just play the victim. Pretend she hurt you."

"You're such a genius," said Grandma. "What lawyer will you get?"

"Another genius like myself," said Little Head.

HARD TO FATHOM

"I cannot believe all you're telling me," said Spot. "It's too complicated. And too horrible."

"I have it all recorded," said Kwong.

"Give me a moment to take this in before you tell me more," said Spot. "Its' very upsetting. What can we do for Little Red Riding Hood?"

"We can let people know how she was wronged," said Kwong.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

"My plan worked!" exclaimed Little Head Lying Good. "I got rid of him. We don't want to have too many people involved in our plot. First, you have to tell me what your real agreement was with Red Riding Hood."

"My real plan?" said Grandma. "You mean, what actually happened?"

"Well, as few lies as possible. I know it's hard."

"All right," said Grandma. "When Little Red Riding Hood's mother was eaten up by Envies, the house was supposed to go to her. She had helped pay for the house over the years by selling baskets of goodies, and when her mother was first stricken, she asked me to help look after her mother while she worked. I said I would, but she had to sign the house to me, and I would protect her. She was so eager to do everything she could for her mother at that point, I got her to agree."

"Then what happened?" asked Little Head. "Did the arrangement work out?"

"It was a real shame--I could not save the mother from the Envies, and she perished from their wounds."

"So the house is yours. What's the problem?"

"She made me write a statement saying she was just letting me have title to the house while I took care of her mother, and that it really belonged to her. But I never made it legal, as I promised."

"So it's just a simple cause of fraud?" asked Little Head.

"Lying, fraud, call it what you want."

"I call it easy. We just pretend that never happened and that Riding Hood is lying and trying to take your house away. There's just one thing I need you to do before I take care of this."

"What's that?" Grandma asked. "Anything you want."

"Put the house in my name," said Little Head.

PHOOEY ON YOUEY

"I cannot help you," said The Robber. "I realize you do not see it, but I have some self-respect."

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Little Head.

"Nothing to do with you," said The Robber. "I've changed my mind."

"Get lost, jerk, we'll take care of this ourselves."

JUST NOT RIGHT

"My problem is that even though I am a thief, I do have some honor. You are asking me to help you lie about Little Red Riding Hood and steal her toys. That's just not right."

"How dare you question my brilliant Little Head?!" said Grandma.

"He's a jerk," repeated Little Head.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

"Let me hug my Little Head Lying Good," said Grandma. "He always knows what's right."

The Robber was not so sure. "Forgive me for asking questions of one who is as distinguished as you are, Little Head, but what do you need me for when you are going to just misuse the law and make false claims against Riding Hood?"

"I need you to take her belongings out of her house and bring them to me--I understand she has a lot of toys that I want to play with."

"Why can't you take her toys out yourself?"

"Everyone believes I had a disability at work, that my head is too small to do any kind of heavy lifting."

"I thought you were a diplomat?"

"Everyone knows how stressful that can be," said Little Head.

"So you can't lift toys?"

"It would hurt my head."

"Can you play with them?" asked The Robber.

"Of course. What's your problem?"

PANDA-MONIUM

While outwardly calm, Little Kwong was in turmoil, listening to Little Head and Grandma, and even worse, aghast that he should find The Robber the most honorable among them.

FROM LITTLE HEADS, BIG BAG IDEAS GROW

"Your plans are no good," said Little Head.

"I'm relieved to hear that," said The Robber.

"Who asked you?" said Little Head.

"He's so clever, isn't he?" said Grandma. "He knows our plans are no good." She thought a moment. "Little Head, why are the plans no good?"

"Because you thought of them," said Little Head. "You and this bum. I don't know what they are, they're just no good."

"Tell us what we should do?"

"First thing to do is to get a court injuction again Little Red Riding Hood."

"For what?"

"To stop her going into her own house."

"How can we stop her going into her own house?" asked The Robber.

"We'll claim that she stole it from Grandma!"

"I told you he was brilliant!" said Grandma.

ISN'T HE PRECIOUS?

"Here he is! Isn't he precious!" Grandma exclaimed. "I could just eat him up."

Perhaps she means that literally, The Robber thought.

"Little Head," this is the nice Robber I've been telling you about, who is going to help us ruin Red Riding Hood."

"Looks like a jerk," said Little Head.

"That's what they teach them in Diplomatic School, to show how charming they are and throw you off, isn't that sweet?"

"I am concerned that our conversations are being tapped," said the Robber. "Can you help with that?"

"Of course they're being tapped, we have to always assume that. The question is who is doing it and how do we kill them?"

"I'm not sure we need to kill anyone," said The Robber, "I just think we should be careful."

"He is a jerk," said Little Head, to no one in particular.

IS GRANDMA A LITTLE FUNNY IN THE HEAD?

"Quiet!" said Robber. "What if someone is really listening?" He glanced over nervously at Kwong the Panda and the other toys.

"Little Head Lying Good will know what to do," Grandma answered. "You know he was the main target of the KGB for many years, and was trained at the highest levels of government in anti-spy tactics."

"Um--Grandma--aren't you forgetting that the old Soviet Union does not exist any more?"

"Oh, here he comes!" Grandma gushed, as if her first love had arrived and she was sixteen again.

DID SOMEBODY SAY PINOCCHIO?

"I think someone is watching us," said The Robber. "I heard them say we needed Pinocchio."

"Of course we'll need Pinocchio," said Grandma. "That was my idea."

"No, that was the Token Blogger's idea," said The Robber. "You can't just go stealing ideas."

"Why not?" said Grandma. I'm going to steal everything else. Why limit to houses and jewelry and other valuables?"

APPEARING HONEST

Kwong heard Grandma explain to The Robber how important it was to give the impression you were not just innocent and sweet when telling a Big Fib, but making it appear as if you were the victim of some outrageous offense, if someone dared to point out the truth.

"Little Old Ladies can get away with murder," she laughed.

The Robber protested: "I'm not a murderer, I'm just a common thief"

"You'll be a most uncommon thief by the time you're done helping me!' she chortled.

"What do you mean?"

"I'll have my Boy Genius explain it to you when he gets here," she said. "Now here's what I want you to remember: You saw me fainting when you came in, and were very worried that I might die."

"Gosh, but you looked awfully healthy--I mean, old, of course, but healthy."

"Idiot," laughed Grandma. "I see it's going to take some coaching."

APPEARING PLAYFUL

So as not to arouse suspicions (and The Robber, being a suspicious sort himself, was always suspicious of others), Kwong invited a few other toys over while he listened.