A MOMENT OF CONTEMPLATION

Pinocchio realized that he was going to be lying for Little Head Lying Good and stopped to wonder if maybe--just maybe--he should resolve to tell no more lies for his New Year's Resolution. Perhaps he would be a better puppet, perhaps he might become a real boy, perhaps it would help the world become a better place.

ALMOST ON HIS WAY

"I'm on-a my way," said Pinocchio. "You can count on-a me."

Little Head called after him: "Don't mention anything about the house belonging to Red Riding Hood!"

Pinocchio stopped.

MORE OF WHAT THE PANDA OVERHEARD

"You know Little Red Riding Hood?" Little Head asked Pinocchio.

"You bet-a I know The Little Red," said Pinocchio. "She's mighty good with the baskets of goodies. Nice to her Grandmama, too."

"No, she's been terrible to her Grandmother. Has been bleeding her dry."

"You don't say? What a terrible girl. You want me to teach-a her a lesson? I sue!"

"Not yet," said Little Head. "I have another lawyer preparing the lawsuits. I want you to sell her house."

"Sell her house? Isn't she still inside the house?"

"I want you to wait until she is out delivering baskets of goodies, and then go sell her house before she gets back."

That's-a some kind of plan, Sir!"

BAD LUCK WALKING

"I hate liars," said Kitty. "I'm going to teach them a lesson."

"Can you cross their paths?" asked The Mouse.




"I guarantee some serious Bad Luck," said Kitty.

"You go, cat!" said The Mouse, cheering him on.

"Figaro warned us about Pinocchio, but no one did anything. Tell me what else you know."

So The Mouse relayed more of what Kwong The Panda overheard:

YET A LITTLE MORE ON THE LITTLE MOUSE

The Mouse thought he might try to talk to Kitty, as the conversation Kitty had had with Spot had not led to the kind of action that would be helpful to Little Red Riding Hood. In this new attempt, The Mouse thought he would try to get Kitty's full attention by speaking to him at mealtime, which is a very brave thing for any mouse to do.

"O great and powerful Kitty," began The Mouse, "there are terrible things being planned, and we need your magical powers to jinx them."

"First the Cheetah disturbs my rest, now you disturb my breakfast," snarled Kitty. "This better be bad."

"It could not be worse," The Mouse insisted, and told him that Pinocchio had been enlisted to help Little Head Lying Good and Grandma.

EVEN FURTHER INTERRUPTION

You know, it's just not fair to show the mouse holding a present and not show him opening it and trying it on. It's a mask from Venice, so he is ready for Carnivale!

MORE INTERRUPTION

It's Christmas, and it's time to be grateful for small things, like a mouse puppet, and great things, like the Millers who sent a present for my puppets, for The Token Blogger, who sent The Saucy Barmaid herself, for The Great Magnetic Husband, all their families, and all my friends. Cheers and cheese for everyone!

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

An interruption of this terrible story. It's Christmas Eve, and my mouse is nibbling on cheese.

HE'S BAAAAAAAAACK

I am the best attorney in all of the forest, and can have any client in the entire world, but when Little Head Lying Good called me, I said, "Sir, whatever you want, Sir!"

TOO MANY GENIUSES

Kwong played some more from his tapes:

"I am going to find the best lawyer and prepare all the lawsuits I can against Red Riding Hood, and claim that she got the name Hood, not from her cloak, but from being a no-good Hoodlum. That way, when I lock her out of her house, everyone will think that she's to blame."

"And what should I do?" asked Grandma.

"Just play the victim. Pretend she hurt you."

"You're such a genius," said Grandma. "What lawyer will you get?"

"Another genius like myself," said Little Head.

HARD TO FATHOM

"I cannot believe all you're telling me," said Spot. "It's too complicated. And too horrible."

"I have it all recorded," said Kwong.

"Give me a moment to take this in before you tell me more," said Spot. "Its' very upsetting. What can we do for Little Red Riding Hood?"

"We can let people know how she was wronged," said Kwong.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

"My plan worked!" exclaimed Little Head Lying Good. "I got rid of him. We don't want to have too many people involved in our plot. First, you have to tell me what your real agreement was with Red Riding Hood."

"My real plan?" said Grandma. "You mean, what actually happened?"

"Well, as few lies as possible. I know it's hard."

"All right," said Grandma. "When Little Red Riding Hood's mother was eaten up by Envies, the house was supposed to go to her. She had helped pay for the house over the years by selling baskets of goodies, and when her mother was first stricken, she asked me to help look after her mother while she worked. I said I would, but she had to sign the house to me, and I would protect her. She was so eager to do everything she could for her mother at that point, I got her to agree."

"Then what happened?" asked Little Head. "Did the arrangement work out?"

"It was a real shame--I could not save the mother from the Envies, and she perished from their wounds."

"So the house is yours. What's the problem?"

"She made me write a statement saying she was just letting me have title to the house while I took care of her mother, and that it really belonged to her. But I never made it legal, as I promised."

"So it's just a simple cause of fraud?" asked Little Head.

"Lying, fraud, call it what you want."

"I call it easy. We just pretend that never happened and that Riding Hood is lying and trying to take your house away. There's just one thing I need you to do before I take care of this."

"What's that?" Grandma asked. "Anything you want."

"Put the house in my name," said Little Head.

PHOOEY ON YOUEY

"I cannot help you," said The Robber. "I realize you do not see it, but I have some self-respect."

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Little Head.

"Nothing to do with you," said The Robber. "I've changed my mind."

"Get lost, jerk, we'll take care of this ourselves."

JUST NOT RIGHT

"My problem is that even though I am a thief, I do have some honor. You are asking me to help you lie about Little Red Riding Hood and steal her toys. That's just not right."

"How dare you question my brilliant Little Head?!" said Grandma.

"He's a jerk," repeated Little Head.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

"Let me hug my Little Head Lying Good," said Grandma. "He always knows what's right."

The Robber was not so sure. "Forgive me for asking questions of one who is as distinguished as you are, Little Head, but what do you need me for when you are going to just misuse the law and make false claims against Riding Hood?"

"I need you to take her belongings out of her house and bring them to me--I understand she has a lot of toys that I want to play with."

"Why can't you take her toys out yourself?"

"Everyone believes I had a disability at work, that my head is too small to do any kind of heavy lifting."

"I thought you were a diplomat?"

"Everyone knows how stressful that can be," said Little Head.

"So you can't lift toys?"

"It would hurt my head."

"Can you play with them?" asked The Robber.

"Of course. What's your problem?"

PANDA-MONIUM

While outwardly calm, Little Kwong was in turmoil, listening to Little Head and Grandma, and even worse, aghast that he should find The Robber the most honorable among them.

FROM LITTLE HEADS, BIG BAG IDEAS GROW

"Your plans are no good," said Little Head.

"I'm relieved to hear that," said The Robber.

"Who asked you?" said Little Head.

"He's so clever, isn't he?" said Grandma. "He knows our plans are no good." She thought a moment. "Little Head, why are the plans no good?"

"Because you thought of them," said Little Head. "You and this bum. I don't know what they are, they're just no good."

"Tell us what we should do?"

"First thing to do is to get a court injuction again Little Red Riding Hood."

"For what?"

"To stop her going into her own house."

"How can we stop her going into her own house?" asked The Robber.

"We'll claim that she stole it from Grandma!"

"I told you he was brilliant!" said Grandma.

ISN'T HE PRECIOUS?

"Here he is! Isn't he precious!" Grandma exclaimed. "I could just eat him up."

Perhaps she means that literally, The Robber thought.

"Little Head," this is the nice Robber I've been telling you about, who is going to help us ruin Red Riding Hood."

"Looks like a jerk," said Little Head.

"That's what they teach them in Diplomatic School, to show how charming they are and throw you off, isn't that sweet?"

"I am concerned that our conversations are being tapped," said the Robber. "Can you help with that?"

"Of course they're being tapped, we have to always assume that. The question is who is doing it and how do we kill them?"

"I'm not sure we need to kill anyone," said The Robber, "I just think we should be careful."

"He is a jerk," said Little Head, to no one in particular.

IS GRANDMA A LITTLE FUNNY IN THE HEAD?

"Quiet!" said Robber. "What if someone is really listening?" He glanced over nervously at Kwong the Panda and the other toys.

"Little Head Lying Good will know what to do," Grandma answered. "You know he was the main target of the KGB for many years, and was trained at the highest levels of government in anti-spy tactics."

"Um--Grandma--aren't you forgetting that the old Soviet Union does not exist any more?"

"Oh, here he comes!" Grandma gushed, as if her first love had arrived and she was sixteen again.

DID SOMEBODY SAY PINOCCHIO?

"I think someone is watching us," said The Robber. "I heard them say we needed Pinocchio."

"Of course we'll need Pinocchio," said Grandma. "That was my idea."

"No, that was the Token Blogger's idea," said The Robber. "You can't just go stealing ideas."

"Why not?" said Grandma. I'm going to steal everything else. Why limit to houses and jewelry and other valuables?"

APPEARING HONEST

Kwong heard Grandma explain to The Robber how important it was to give the impression you were not just innocent and sweet when telling a Big Fib, but making it appear as if you were the victim of some outrageous offense, if someone dared to point out the truth.

"Little Old Ladies can get away with murder," she laughed.

The Robber protested: "I'm not a murderer, I'm just a common thief"

"You'll be a most uncommon thief by the time you're done helping me!' she chortled.

"What do you mean?"

"I'll have my Boy Genius explain it to you when he gets here," she said. "Now here's what I want you to remember: You saw me fainting when you came in, and were very worried that I might die."

"Gosh, but you looked awfully healthy--I mean, old, of course, but healthy."

"Idiot," laughed Grandma. "I see it's going to take some coaching."

APPEARING PLAYFUL

So as not to arouse suspicions (and The Robber, being a suspicious sort himself, was always suspicious of others), Kwong invited a few other toys over while he listened.

BRAVE LITTLE PANDA

So The Panda went back to Grandma's house and listened in to her conversations.....

LEND ME YOUR THIRD EAR

"Because I'm endangered, I have a tracking device on my tag, that also records sound. So there's a record of everything they said. If I can go back into Grandma's house, I can just hang out with the other dolls and collect more evidence," said Kwong. "Maybe prevent harm from coming to Little Red Riding Hood."

"Wow, that is the best news," said Spot. "That will be a good joke one them."

AN EXTRA EAR

"I don't want you getting into any trouble," said Spot. "You're not like that Kung Fu Panda."

"I have other weapons at my disposal," said Kwong. "Grandma thinks I'm just a cute panda puppet, and lets me sit with other stuffed toys she has in her house."

"Well, most people think we're just puppets-- even other puppets think we're just puppets," said Spot, further confused.

"I am different," said Kwong. "I'm a puppet with a listening device."

"I have two," said Spot. "They're called ears."

"I have those, and one even better," said Kwong.

SPOT IS CONFUSED

"That's when they came up with idea to take her house, and everything in it," said Kwong.

"But what did she ever do to them?" asked Spot.

"She brought them baskets of goodies."

"I'm confused," said Spot. "This makes no sense."

"No, but first, we have to try to help Little Red Riding Hood. I have a plan."

HORRIBLENESS

And then Grandma said that she hated Little Red Riding Hood.

Hated her?

Hated her. Her own Grandchild. She said she was sneaky and deceitful and she wanted to punish her. Little Head Lying Good said he wanted to punish her, too, because when they were little children, she always got better toys, and everyone thought she was pretty.

Then the Robber said, Maybe we can steal something from her?

LEND ME YOUR EAR

"I spent a lot of time at Grandma's house, and overheard her conversations with The Robber and Little Head Lying Good. There was nothing Good about what anyone said."

"What did they say?" asked Spot.

"I couldn't understand why, but they were discussing how to make everyone think that Little Red Riding Hood was a Communist, like that Stalin guy."

"Like Stalin? Little Red Riding Hood?" said Spot, confused. "Did Stalin bring baskets of goodies?"

"And then they said she stole money from Grandma."
"I'm confused again," said Spot. "Isn't it the Robber who steals?

"And they were going to say she was a liar."
"No. that's Grandma," said Spot.

"And then that she never had a real job."
"What about the diplomat?"

ASK A PANDA

Spot went to Kwong the Panda, who was making his way through a thicket of bamboo. "Can you help?" Spot asked Kwong. "Can I help?" exclaimed Kwong, "I've been waiting to be asked!" "Are you just being nice?" the Cheetah wondered. "No" said Kwong. "I have some secret information that can help Little Red Riding Hood."

ANYTHING YOU WANT?

"There is NO WAY," said The Pirate. "I couldn't possibly. Sorry."

WILLING. YES--ABLE?

The Pirate got wind of Spot's plan to help, and called him over. "Anything you want, absolutely anything," said The Pirate.

"Can you leave the bottle and sit up straight while we talk?" Spot asked.

DEEPLY MOOOOOOVING

The Cow said she was prepared to help, too.

Spot was very touched.

CHERCHEZ LA VACHE

Spot next petitioned the Cow for her help.

FIRST, ENLIST AN ARMY

Spot said the first thing to do was to get help from as many friends as you could. He went to his friend the Black Cat (aka "Kitty")

to see if he could help.

Kitty was very enthusiastic.

SPOT HAS SPOKEN

It was Spot, the Cheetah, who said he had been patiently waiting his turn to come to the rescue in one of these adventures, and he said that he was going to show me and the cubs how to trip up people who were up to no good.

SEEING SPOTS

The news was so overwhelming and distressing, that spots appeared before my eyes, and I thought I had blacked out. Apparently, though, I had not blacked out, I was really seeing spots.

UNSETTLING

What I heard was my own Grandmother conspiring against me. She was in it with the Robber, the Policeman, and Little Head Lying Good.

THIS IS NO HANDOUT

I returned to Grandma's house, just to make sure I wasn't crazy. And there she was, still talking with The Robber. I decided to listen in.

BAD COP, BAD COP

"So just go away," he said, "before someone sends you to a lawyer for being crazy."

"You mean a doctor?" I asked.

"No, a lawyer--I arrest little girls who say crazy things."

This was much more than too many bad pickles, I thought.

NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT

"Obviously, I can hear perfectly well what you are saying," I countered. "Why would I not hear her?"

"Sometimes people hear only what they want to hear," he answered, a little too quickly, I thought. "You know, everyone around here just loves your Granny, thinks she's the greatest."

"But what does that have to do with anything?" I asked. "She just lied to me, wouldn't let me in the house, and is talking with the Robber."

"She's probably just giving him a handout--she's very generous that way--nothing wrong with giving a bum a handout."

"But what about the fact that she lied to me?"

"You're crazy--your Grandmother doesn't lie," he said.

THE WRONG ARM OF THE LAW

I explained that I wasn't telling stories, I was just trying to figure out what was going on. Once more, I pointed out the glaring

discrepancies between what Grandma said and what she was actually doing.

"I'm sure there's a very simple solution," the Policeman said, "First of all, with that Hood over your ears, maybe you didn't hear right."

NOT EXACTLY RECEPTIVE

"Listen little girl," the policeman said first, "It's considered very bad form to tell nasty stories about your own dear old Granny."

LOOKING FOR LOGIC OR LAW

When I found the Policeman, he was in a bad mood because he had just eaten a great number of bad pickles, and was in no mood to hear about the odd scene between my grandmother and the robber. Still, I felt I had to tell him.

In retrospect this may have been my biggest mistake.

SPYING ON GRANDMA

As it so happens, you are correct, said Little Red Riding Hood. I was confused and hurt, so I went away, then came back and hid by the side bushes, where I stayed until I saw Grandma come out of the house with the nasty Robber.

The only thing I could think was that he had broken into the house and scared her and made her send me away--although she did not appear to be in any distress, which worried me even more. In fact, they looked as if they were getting along pretty well.

I figured the best thing I could do was to go and find the Policeman and get him there as quickly as possible, so I ran to town to get him.

ALL LIES

That doesn't make any sense, either one of them. I think your Grandma was lying. Hey, maybe that's where Little Head Lying Good got his fibbing genes.

May I please continue my story? asked Little Red Riding Hood.

Don't let me interrupt, interrupted Dick Wolf.

AN ODD DEVELOPMENT

I knocked at her door, and knocked and knocked, calling, "Grandma! It's me! Little Red Riding Hood! I brought you a basket of fresh vegetables for your gazpacho! And a nice pomegranate, too!" I said that because she had become a little nutty about food as she got older, and started to lecture about bringing only the best fruits and vegetables. To try to please her, I did.

I was about to go and get the Hunter when thought I heard a rustling inside. "Grandma! Are you there?"

"Yes, darling," she called, "I was just napping."

"May I come in?"

"Just leave the basket outside. I'll pick it up later."

"Do you feel all right?' I asked. I'd never come over and not seen her.

"I've got Little Head Lying Good here with me," she said. "We have a few financial matters to discuss. Just leave the basket, and you can pick it up tomorrow."

I was confused. Was she napping or talking with Lying Good?

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

I knocked on the door to her house, but there was no answer. Of course, I was worried that maybe the Wolf had come in again.

The Wolf?

The Bad Wolf.

The Big Bad Wolf?

No, that's the story with The Three Little Pigs and their houses of straw and the good house of bricks. This is different because Grandma's house is made of wood.

Is it the beaded clapboard house?

Yes, in fact it is. Beaded clapboard made of aged yellow pine. You can't get that wood for love or money any more.

Forgive me for interrupting. Then what happened?

A TALE OF WOE

"I used to love going to visit my Grandmother. When I was growing up, it was my favorite place to visit. I would bring her a basket of goodies, and she taught me how to sew and knit. We spent many happy afternoons together.

"When I got a little older, though, I began to notice that Grandma did not like me as much as she used to. She said all the same things, when I arrived with goodies, and would be very nice, but you know how it is when you sense someone is hiding something. What I didn't know is that she was hiding a lot from me. Hiding things that were--surprising"

"What did you find out? And How?"

Little Red Riding Hood inhaled deeply and let out her breath in a long sign.

"I was on my way with a basket of goodies, as usual," she began.

DICK WOLF & LRRH

It is much better to have a Wolf at the Door, when you have this Wolf, who will now resume narrative duties, as he is a much better storyteller than I am.

Little Red Riding Hood's story is really straight out of "Law and Order." Maybe I should say Law and Disorder.

Red, we've just heard from your Grandmother, who on the surface looks like a sweet old lady. What's your take? You've known her all your life.

Little Red Riding Hood didn't speak--couldn't speak for a moment.

"How can I tell my story without saying she is a liar and a thief? This is my Grandma who I love. Whatever she's become--in her old age--it can't make me forget all the good things she did when I was growing up."

Sometimes people go wrong, and you have to fix it.

"Can it be fixed?" cried Red Riding Hood.

We won't know unless you tell us your story.

"All right." said Red Riding Hood. "Here it is:"