EN ATTENDANT LA VACHE

Pinocchio struggled under the weight of some large boxes of Little Red Riding Hood's belongings, waiting for Carol Cowstanzo to come out and lock the door.

OF COURSE

"Some actor seems to have passed out from too much rum. He's holding a bottle."

"Hmmm," said The Bear. "Does he have an eye patch and a hook?

"Yes, and a puffy white shirt."

"That would be The Pirate," said The Bear.

Speaking of pirates, let's go back to Little Red Riding Hood's House and see what's going on there.....

THE BEAR'S MATE SEES---

"The Monkey and his Mate played a husband and wife who were very happy together on his 80th birthday. The wife had been a nursing student at Stanford. Most of the party behaved well and was happy."

"Most of the party?"

"He's telling me to look over a little to my right now."

"What do you see there?" asked The Bear.

It's--oh, dear."

A VISION IN BLUE WITH MONKEY

"She has a nice face. It looks like she's a friend to puppets. The Monkey is smiling. He says she put him into a show."

"What kind of show?"

"Some kind of celebration. Wait! He's showing me!"

A VISION

She was so very happy with her new eyes. "I can see everything! I can see things far away!"

"What do you see?" asked The Bear.

"I see a lady--a nice lady--holding The Monkey on her lap."

"What does she look like?"

BEAR REPAIR

While Pinocchio and Carol Cowstanzo are up to no good, I thought it would be nice to show some positive puppet news, for a change. I performed successful eye surgery on The Bear's new mate, who had suffered at the hands of some nasty spoiled children.

NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO GET IN---

"Maybe that's-a true for-a you," said Pinocchio, but people don't believe-a me, when I lie. I got-a the problem with the nose."

"Don't argue with me," said Carol Cowstanzo. Let's just go see what's worth taking, and then I'll change the locks so no one at all can get in."

THAT MAKES NO SENSE

"How can you say she-a trash the house when you gonna lock-a her out?' asked Pinocchio. "That will make-a no sense to people."

Carol Cowstanzo stopped eating for a moment. "I am so disappointed in you," she said. "You know that people will believe just about any lie you tell."

A BITE OF THE BUSH

Dis ish bedishush," said Carol Cowstanzo, who had bitten off more than she could chew, and was having trouble speaking clearly. Her thinking remained the same.

"You're going to make-a the hole in the bush," said Pinocchio. "They gonna have trouble when they go to sell-a the place."

Carol Cowstanzo swallowed. "We'll just say that the little girl who lived here trashed the place and we had to fix it up." She eyed the bush again. "Maybe just another bite."

MAYBE JUST A NIBBLE FIRST

"Do you smell-a the sardines?" asked Pinocchio, who could not see the shadow of The Black Cat, but his nose certainly detected something fishy.

"No, I don't," said Carol Cowstanzo, "But that bush certainly looks yummy. "I think I might just treat myself to a taste of it first."

---OR IS HE?

While Carol went to open the door and change the locks on Little Red Riding Hood's House, the shadow of The Black Cat appeared atop the roof.

WHILE THE CAT'S AWAY----

Once they were certain Little Red Riding Hood had left the house with her basket of goodies, they decided it was time to make it for good--or not so good.

"You got-a the master key?" asked Pinocchio.

"I've got it!" chortled Carol Cowstanzo.

CALLING ON THE CAT

It must be The Black Cat, protecting me from some evil doings, she thought. Take care of my house while I must deliver goodies, she whispered to the warm air.

UNUSUAL SIGNS

As she started out, she thought she smelled something faintly fishy, like an emptied can of sardines that had been rinsed but you can never quite get out the aroma. She noticed, too, how unusually warm it was that morning, by the house.

OUT FOR DELIVERY

Unaware of the invasions about to incur, Little Red Riding Hood set out in the morning with an especially fine basket of goodies for The Token Blogger, who had come to the aid of an elderly man having fits, with little thanks for her efforts. Little Red Riding Hood felt good about treating The Token Blogger, whom she admired.

MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COTTAGE....

"Look!" said The Raccoon, "She left the shed door open! We can just go in that way!"

MOOOOOVING IN

"Don't start milking the situation just yet," said Carol Cowstanzo. "We still have a big job to do. And sometimes people get real mad when you lock them out of their own homes."

"I think I see-a her now," said Pinocchio. "Let's-a go hide until she leaves with the baskets of goodies."

"Horrible girl, said Carol," giving away all those goodies when her poor Grandmother is near death." she mooed softly. "Let's take everything we can!"

THE COW CAN'T HELP IT

"So I'm pretty sure I won't get caught if others are charging along the path before me. "

"That's-a genius!" cried Pinocchio.

"It is?" asked Carol. "I just do what comes naturally."

"I should have been a cow, too! All along, I been-a telling the lies and trying to take the money all by-a myself. I need to be part of a bigger herd of the liars so no one notice me!"

He looked at her admiringly. "You gonna be my-a cash cow!"

OVERHEARD MENTALITY

"Won't-a Grandmama and Little Head The Lying Good notice that things are gone?" asked Pinocchio.

"If they do, I'll just say what I always say--that they accidentally broke and I had to throw them out--in my own car!" she laughed.

"I bet you make-a the sour cream," said Pinocchio, thinking to himself (I wonder what I could get away with taking?).

"I'm not sour, just practical," said Carol. "Call it being part of the herd, but when I see the head guys helping themselves, I just have to follow along."

TROUBLE A-HOOF

"Buon Giorno," lied Pinocchio. "You look-a very lovely today," he told Carol Cowstanzo. "And that's-a no bull!"

"I'm still digesting my breakfast," said Carol, slowly. "I'm usually at my best when I'm eating."

"So the plan is, you-a gotta the master key to get in when she goes and then we change-a the locks?"

"Well," said Carol, still slowly, we can look around inside and see if there's anything we want to take for ourselves, first."

THE REAL ESTATE LADY

Carol Cowstanzo, (aka The Stupid Cow), once was the cud-chewing checker at a local low rent market, then turned her hoof to real estate back when you only had to show up to make some hay. She had sent Pinocchio the Unsuspecting Buyer and now was here to continue breaking china.

OTHER MISCHIEF AFOOT

Pinocchio eyed Red Riding Hood's House from a distance. He could smell the aroma of freshly baked goodies that would be going into baskets soon and delivered to good people. It made him impatient for the morning's ill deeds to be done. His wooden heart pounded in his chest.

"Where is that stupid cow?" he wondered He was thinking of Little Red Riding Hood, but that was not the Stupid Cow.

ON THE ROAD TO ZZZZZZZZZ

"Maybe we should just catch 40 winks before going," said The Pirate, whose legs were a bit wobbly.

"As long as we're they're before the remove the trash, that's all I ask," said the Raccoon, who wasn't at all certain he could get very far just yet.

So they dozed, while other mischief was afoot....

SET IN CUTTY SARK

"Could I get in there? What a question!" laughed The Raccoon. "There's already an old tunnel dug by Nuzzo The Possum that'll take us straight to the pantry."

"Then we'll go there tonight!" said The Pirate. "I understand there's always baskets of goodies around."

"You can have those," said The Raccoon. "I can't wait to get my paws on her garbage!"

THE PIRATE'S PLOT

"Now here's the vessel I had a hankerin' to commandeer," said the Pirate. "Is there any way you could make a burrow into that charming little cottage owned by Little Red Riding Hood? "

ROUGH SEAS AHEAD

"I just commandeered the bottle," said the Raccoon. "Is there something else we can commandeer tonight?"

"Not tonight," said The Pirate. "Let's have a drink or two and talk about it."

"Do you want to bring The Penguin?" asked The Raccoon.

"The Penguin is a fine fellow, however he has sworn off trouble for a while."

"Trouble sounds like fun to me," said The Raccoon.

EMBOLDENED BY A BUDDY

"I like you," said The Pirate. "I like the cut of your jib. I'd be proud to take you out for a little commandeering with me."

PUBLIC SPIRITS

The Raccoon decided that Good Fortune was good only when shared, so he brought the bottle over to The Pirate, who was sprawled out for the night, and probably should have shared some of his own.

A MAJOR FIND

The Raccoon looked through our recycling bin and hit the jackpot. To share or not to share with the Pirate?

MORE SPIRITS

The Raccoon went where the Pirate told him, but thought he would sample some of the treasure first.

MORE KINDRED SPIRITS

Uh-oh. The Pirate and the new Raccoon were introduced.

"Arrgh, there's much marauding we can do, matey," said The Pirate. "I'll tell you where they keep the buried treasure trash."

SELF CONGRATULATION

"I think that went rather well, don't you?" said Grandma.

"It's a good start," said Little Head Lying Good, "But I wish he was a little more creative with the kinds of lawsuits we can use to attack her. I'll think of some for him."

"Always taking care of everything," said Grandma.

NEW ORDERS

"Okie-dokie, if that's what you-a want, but I think it might not-a help to sell the house if Little Red Riding-a-Hood, she get kicked out by-a her own Grandmama."

"Don't forget, I am dying!" said Grandma, quickly reclining and straining her voice.

"It's fairly clear where the sympathies will go," said Little Head. "Until you do this we cannot pay you."

"Then I go," said Pinocchio," now wishing he had never become involved with these two.

LITTLE HEAD HAS A BIG IDEA

"Here's my idea," said Little Head, as if no opinion in the entire history of the world mattered as much. "Let's lock her out of her house!"

"Um--I don't-a know that the law will like-a that," said Pinocchio.

"Who cares about the law?" said Grandma. "I love it." She thought a moment. "Go do it now!"

"Pronto?" asked Pinocchio. "We got to get the court order first."

"If you do, you're fired," said Little Head.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE LAWSUITS

"I think it would make me feel much better if you could tell me about some of the lawsuits you could launch for me," said Grandma.

"Let's hear 'em, blockhead," said Little Head.

"Well first-a, I would say she was making you-a sick, and she ought to be-a sued for that."

"Ooooh, can we do that?" Grandma asked. "I really like that."

"I have an idea!" said Little Head.

HOW DARE YOU?

"How DARE you?" said Grandma.

"I meant-a no insult," said Pinocchio. "I'm just-a rooting for you."

"Well root for me by getting me some money, that always makes me feel better."

"Can you prepare some lawsuits against her?" asked Little Head. "That usually gets money."

"Why certo!" said Pinocchio. "How many you need?"

Grandma smiled. "Look at the way Little Head is always thinking of me, looking to take care of me."

"Can you get creative with the lawsuits?" asked Little Head.

"Let me just-a say this," began Pinocchio. "I have not even begun to get over the-a emotional distress she cause-a me by showing up at her own house."

KGB ABCs

"She said she heard about-a the black cat, so she came to feed him," said Pinocchio.

"She's very sneaky," said Grandma.

"Clearly, she's just using that as a ruse," said Little Head. "It was probably my enemies at the KGB who tipped her off."

"That's-a crazy," said Pinocchio. "They would have to-a be my enemies at the KGB, because it messed up me."

"You're not important enough to have enemies, the way I do," sneered Little Head.

"Shut up, both of you," said Grandma. "You're annoying me and I have to get some rest so I can get my strength up and figure out how to get that house away from her."

"So you-a not dying?" said Pinocchio, brightly. "That's-a good."

THWART REPORT

"I had a little bit of the trouble," reported Pinocchio. "First-a the big black cat, he cross my path. I try to ignore him, but he-a follow me to the house and he spook the buyer."

"You're lying," said Little Head Lying Good.

"No lie," Pinocchio insisted. "That-a cat bring bad luck in the form of Little Red Riding Hood herself."

"What was she doing at her house?" barked Grandma. "She was supposed to be out!"
"I bet she went just to keep you from selling her house!" said Little Head.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

A brief interruption in this macabre tale to introduce the newest puppet, Filberto the Raccoon (Bert, for short), a present from my Pookie for our 11th wedding anniversary. A fine addition to the family. Actually, he resembles my family in many ways.

GRANDMA'S SPECIAL DAY

"Not exactimente," said Pinocchio. "I had-a the slight-a problem."

"You come to me with problems?" snarled Grandma. "When I'm on my deathbed?"

"Mi scusi," said Pinocchio. "You look-a pretty good."

"Well, it's my birthday," said Grandma, "So I'm rallying just for the day."

"I don't-a get it," said Pinocchio. "It is your birthday or your death day?"

"It's my special day," said Grandma, and I expect a lot of money!"

THE FRESH INVALID

"Was that the door? I can barely hear," said Grandma in a loud whisper.

"Ciao, Grand-a-ma, ciao, Capellini," said Pinocchio, entering. "How-a-come you in-a the bed?"

"She doesn't feel well," said Little Head Lying Good.

"Who's there?" said Grandma. "I can barely see."

"It's Pinocchio," said Little Head.

"Did you bring me lots of money?" asked Grandma, suddenly strong.

BACK AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE

Little Head Lying Good advised Grandma to remain lying in bed.

"You must do everything I say," he instructed. "I will make sure you get everything you want."

"Lying in bed--that sounds like fun," said Grandma.

There was a wooden knock on the wooden door.

"That must be that moron, Pinocchio," said Little Head.

KWONG CONTINUES HIS STORY

"No," said Kwong, "But even if they do terrible things, no one can devise a greater punishment than they have already created for themselves."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" Spot asked.

"Not really--it's pretty rotten. You're supposed to feel depressed about it."

"Oh. Good," said Spot, even more confused, if possible.

"And if you think all that was bad, wait until you hear what happened when Pinocchio reported back to Little Head and Grandma."

A PANDA'S WISDOM

Kwong the Panda came to comfort Spot. "It has nothing to do with being smart," he explained. "In fact, it's usually those who are told they are more intelligent--and feel the world does not always recognize their genius--they can feel wounded by lack of attention. That wound is as real to them as if they had actually been injured."

"But they're not," said Spot.

SPOT THE CHEETAH IS STILL CONFUSED

He has been following the story as Kwong the Panda has recorded (well, about as well as one can), and says the story is as hard to pin down as a gazelle running away.

He has to stop and wonder why people do terrible things to each other, like lions who kill for no reason, except that they have to feel dominant. If they were really so smart and powerful, they would not have to, would they?

VALENTINES DAY WISHES

The Monkeys wish you much happiness, a lot of chocolate, and bunches of bananas.

FRIDAY THE 13TH BAD LUCK

"There is nothing you can do," said Kitty. "The poison is winning. You can see it is making my eyes turn green. I would rather die than become a greedy being, so I shall leave you."

"Please don't go," squeaked the Mouse. "we need you."

"I must go," said the Black Cat, his voice fading, "but I can still, from beyond, bring bad luck to those who lie and steal."

"Thank you, Kitty," said the Mouse. "Thank you for all you've done."

But Kitty did not hear, he was already on his way to crossing the paths of assorted miscreants who saw nothing, but felt a strange warm wind with a slight aroma of sardines.

KITTY IN COMBAT

"I am using all my strength to fight the poison, otherwise I would want to eat you, yes," said Kitty. The Mouse noticed that Kitty looked uncommonly fragile. "Really, anything I can do for you?" he asked, backing away slightly.

THE MOUSE THANKS THE BLACK CAT

The Mouse ran quickly to see Kitty and thank him for bringing Bad Luck to Pinocchio. "You did it!" he squeaked.

"Yes," purred Kitty," but it will cost me."

"What do you mean?" asked the Mouse.

"There was poison at the house."

"Oh, no! Can I get an antidote?"

"There is none," said Kitty. "The poison gets into your eyes and makes you crave whatever you see, whether it is yours or not. Pinocchio was infected by Little Head Lying Good, and he in turn spread it around the house. "

"Do you crave me?' asked the Mouse, nervously.

MORE FORMS OF LUCK

"That can't be right," said Little Red Riding Hood. "I just-a lied," said Pinocchio, but don't-a you worry, it's the only time.

It means Good Luck"

"Thank you," she said. "I'll need it."

"You lucky already," he said. "That Black-a Cat, I think-a he jinxed the deal."

"You're not superstitious, are you?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.

"Me? Hah! Not for-a the minute." He noticed something gleaming on the ground. "Hey! There's a lucky-a penny! Good luck for the whole day!" He dove for the penny and dashed away.