SANTA HAS HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM

I'm beginning to see a trend.

"Yes. So I must be on my way. Toys to good girls and boys, because toys are your first friends. It gets more complicated from there."

Thank you Santa. Before we return to the story, may we just have a word from a Faithful Friend?

AND TALKIN'

"To the Harried Friend who thought no friends were with them any more--I gave them back their friends.

"To the Suspicious Friend who believed, against reason, that their Friends has betrayed them in one way or another, I gave them back their reason. They found their friends again.

"To the Friend who became infirm, and thought that only strangers would look after them, I gave them reassurance. And friends were there."

AND TALKIN'

"You know, I am bound by certain rules of confidentiality when it comes to delicate list decisions," Santa intoned, without any hint of a ho-ho-ho in his voice. "But I can tell you that the best presents I ever gave were these:

SANTA KEEPS ON TALKIN'

"That happens when you start mixing with the Royals, sorry," said Santa. "You would think, being a Saint and all, it wouldn't affect me, but it does. Start to feel superior."

I know, even the best of us succumb sometimes.

"Pardon me for correcting you," said Santa, "however it is not that the best of us succumb to feelings of superiority sometimes; it is the rule that the best of us succumb to feelings of superiority frequently. That makes it very hard to find the right present."

Is is naughty to feel superior if someone is superior?

"Again, let's look at the larger context," said Santa, side-stepping the question like a seasoned pol. "One cannot land firmly on the Nice List with such feelings, but it does not automatically make you Naughty, either."

Is there a Limbo List?

"There is no Limbo List, that would make my job so much easier. I wish," Santa said, in a wistful way. "I have to scrutinize the behaviour of the year and evaluate the extent to which superior feelings have led the otherwise Nice astray. I take it on a case-by case basis."

Are there cases you can discuss?

SANTA KEEPS TALKIN'

"Why yes, not that I wish to spoil any surprises, but since the Royals live such public lives, they won't hold it against Santa if he spills the beans mostly on them."

Can you tell about Prince William and his bride-to-be?

"Oh yes, of course--they are each giving the other five servants."

I thought they were going to do without servants?

"For them, that is doing without. I must remind you that Santa looks at things in the larger context."

All right, so any other larger contexts that you can discuss without referring to yourself in the third person?

SANTA HAS MORE TO SAY

"There is the Princess of Mavridou, and her Prince, they will receive some very good news, and with other Royals, the Countess of Chartres will receive the gift of undivided attention, which is all she really wanted."

I thought she was incredibly naughty this year?

"Yes, but you have to look at the naughtiness in the larger context. It does no good to be petty at Christmastime, does it?"

Ah, if only more people thought like Santa. Any other gifts you can share with us?

SANTA SAYS:

"Merry Christmas, Little Helper! Are these readers giving you trouble?"

It does say The Daily Puppet, not the occasional puppet, so I understand. I did apologize.

"If there's one thing I've learned in all my years of telling Naughty from Nice," said Santa, "it's that people don't really want apologies."

They don't?

"Nah. They may say they want apologies, but they really prefer to be mad or feel superior."

Or both?

"Sometime both. That's when they didn't deserve an apology in the first place."

Thank you for clarifying. Is that naughty or nice?

"It's not nice, but it's not naughty, either," Santa sighed. "Its human nature."

So they still get presents?

"Everyone gets presents. Everyone gets really great presents."

No lumps of coal?

"I ought to sue the creep who came up with that lie--no, never a lump of coal. Not in the stocking, not under the tree, nowhere."

So will you share with our readers what are some of the great presents they're getting this year?

"Certainly. Let's start with those who have been Really Nice."

You mean like The Tokenblogger?

"Of course I mean The Tokenblogger. She gets a big basket of lovin' from her family, her friends and her fans. The ones who like her acting style. Oh, and her furry friends, too. Then also, there may be a warm sweater for her coming, knit by the Great Magnetic Wife."

What about The Great Magnetic Husband?

"He gets licks from his puppy, Rango. And Karl Strauss beer."

Ooooooh, he must have been nice. Who else?

THE SQUEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH

Here it is, Christmas Eve, and the Yoga Master's Easter Puppy story still isn't done, let alone the end of Little Red Riding Hood's adventures with her treacherous family.

Sorry.

I was helping Santa prepare Christmas presents.

You don't believe me? Excuse me, Santa and I are like that. In fact, I made the list that he checked twice for this year.

I can't tell you what's on there, but maybe he can: