SANTA HAS HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM

I'm beginning to see a trend.

"Yes. So I must be on my way. Toys to good girls and boys, because toys are your first friends. It gets more complicated from there."

Thank you Santa. Before we return to the story, may we just have a word from a Faithful Friend?

AND TALKIN'

"To the Harried Friend who thought no friends were with them any more--I gave them back their friends.

"To the Suspicious Friend who believed, against reason, that their Friends has betrayed them in one way or another, I gave them back their reason. They found their friends again.

"To the Friend who became infirm, and thought that only strangers would look after them, I gave them reassurance. And friends were there."

AND TALKIN'

"You know, I am bound by certain rules of confidentiality when it comes to delicate list decisions," Santa intoned, without any hint of a ho-ho-ho in his voice. "But I can tell you that the best presents I ever gave were these:

SANTA KEEPS ON TALKIN'

"That happens when you start mixing with the Royals, sorry," said Santa. "You would think, being a Saint and all, it wouldn't affect me, but it does. Start to feel superior."

I know, even the best of us succumb sometimes.

"Pardon me for correcting you," said Santa, "however it is not that the best of us succumb to feelings of superiority sometimes; it is the rule that the best of us succumb to feelings of superiority frequently. That makes it very hard to find the right present."

Is is naughty to feel superior if someone is superior?

"Again, let's look at the larger context," said Santa, side-stepping the question like a seasoned pol. "One cannot land firmly on the Nice List with such feelings, but it does not automatically make you Naughty, either."

Is there a Limbo List?

"There is no Limbo List, that would make my job so much easier. I wish," Santa said, in a wistful way. "I have to scrutinize the behaviour of the year and evaluate the extent to which superior feelings have led the otherwise Nice astray. I take it on a case-by case basis."

Are there cases you can discuss?

SANTA KEEPS TALKIN'

"Why yes, not that I wish to spoil any surprises, but since the Royals live such public lives, they won't hold it against Santa if he spills the beans mostly on them."

Can you tell about Prince William and his bride-to-be?

"Oh yes, of course--they are each giving the other five servants."

I thought they were going to do without servants?

"For them, that is doing without. I must remind you that Santa looks at things in the larger context."

All right, so any other larger contexts that you can discuss without referring to yourself in the third person?

SANTA HAS MORE TO SAY

"There is the Princess of Mavridou, and her Prince, they will receive some very good news, and with other Royals, the Countess of Chartres will receive the gift of undivided attention, which is all she really wanted."

I thought she was incredibly naughty this year?

"Yes, but you have to look at the naughtiness in the larger context. It does no good to be petty at Christmastime, does it?"

Ah, if only more people thought like Santa. Any other gifts you can share with us?

SANTA SAYS:

"Merry Christmas, Little Helper! Are these readers giving you trouble?"

It does say The Daily Puppet, not the occasional puppet, so I understand. I did apologize.

"If there's one thing I've learned in all my years of telling Naughty from Nice," said Santa, "it's that people don't really want apologies."

They don't?

"Nah. They may say they want apologies, but they really prefer to be mad or feel superior."

Or both?

"Sometime both. That's when they didn't deserve an apology in the first place."

Thank you for clarifying. Is that naughty or nice?

"It's not nice, but it's not naughty, either," Santa sighed. "Its human nature."

So they still get presents?

"Everyone gets presents. Everyone gets really great presents."

No lumps of coal?

"I ought to sue the creep who came up with that lie--no, never a lump of coal. Not in the stocking, not under the tree, nowhere."

So will you share with our readers what are some of the great presents they're getting this year?

"Certainly. Let's start with those who have been Really Nice."

You mean like The Tokenblogger?

"Of course I mean The Tokenblogger. She gets a big basket of lovin' from her family, her friends and her fans. The ones who like her acting style. Oh, and her furry friends, too. Then also, there may be a warm sweater for her coming, knit by the Great Magnetic Wife."

What about The Great Magnetic Husband?

"He gets licks from his puppy, Rango. And Karl Strauss beer."

Ooooooh, he must have been nice. Who else?

THE SQUEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH

Here it is, Christmas Eve, and the Yoga Master's Easter Puppy story still isn't done, let alone the end of Little Red Riding Hood's adventures with her treacherous family.

Sorry.

I was helping Santa prepare Christmas presents.

You don't believe me? Excuse me, Santa and I are like that. In fact, I made the list that he checked twice for this year.

I can't tell you what's on there, but maybe he can:

THE STORY LINE 123

' "Allow your good puppy Kirby to have, for a day, the abilities we rabbits enjoy--not just the ability to decimate a garden in two shakes of a cotton tail, but to send delicious eggs to all for Easter Day!" Naomi asked the magical egg.

THE STORY LINE 122

' So Little Naomi closed her eyes and incanted:

"O Great Egg Maker Above, Mother Hen to all that is Ovoid, send me a fresh Magic Egg to help our friend Kirby the Puppy in his time of need!"

And a lovely sapphire and pearl egg with gold trim descended from The Great Nest into Naomi's waiting arms.

THE STORY LINE 121

' "You do? Let's hear it," said Kirby.

"My sister and I, we both have magic eggs that can help you."

"You have magic eggs you will give me?"

"No, we cannot give them to you. The magic is exclusive to bunnies. We can use them to help you do the work of the real Easter Bunny. We'll show you."

THE STORY LINE 120

' Yes, of course you may," Kirby said. "Now, let's get you some baskets."

"Excuse me, Mister Easter Puppy," said Naomi. "I have a better idea."

THE STORY LINE 119

' Kirby had to admit the little bunny dolls were adorable, especially dressed in their little kimonos, and also looked a lot more like a bunny than he ever could. "What are your names?" he asked them.

"I am Naomi and my sister is Tamaki. Can we come along?"

THE STORY LINE 118

' "Will ya look at this doll?" said the piper. She's a bunny, too, and she's got a sister just as cute. "They're our groupies."

THE STORY LINE 117

' Last one out is a rotten egg!" Kirby said.

"That is just so not funny," said the eggs. "Just wait til you see the last ones out!"

THE STORY LINE 116

' No, really, we're going," Kirby insisted.

"Don't you want to see who else we can get to help?"

"We're fine, I'm closing the egg box now."

THE STORY LINE 115

' "This little fella is mighty quick with the candy, does a fast refill, too."

"Fine, bring him, let's go already," Kirby said.

"Oh, maybe one more request?" asked the eggs.

THE STORY LINE 114

' "Hang on, one quick sec, we got to get a few more of the gang with us," said the eggs.

"Hurry up! said Kirby. Next thing you know it'll be Thanksgiving!"

THE STORY LINE 113

' "No, I can't say as I have," Kirby admitted. "But I imagine it's a situation that shows real mettle."

"We can play Metal, sure," said the eggs.

"O.K., then let's go!" said Kirby.

THE STORY LINE 112

' "Then we'll need our roadies to help," said the lead singer.

"Can they work fast?" Kirby asked.

The Piper sighed. "You've never needed a piccolo switched out last minute before going on, have you?"

THE STORY LINE 111

' Two more eggs jumped up. "What's the gig?" asked the lead singer.

"Delivering Easter goodies all over the world."

"A tour! How rad!" said the Piper.

"Yes, but we have just a few hours," said Kirby.

THE STORY LINE 110

' "That's great!" Kirby said. "You're sure now? You don't mind that it's a little weird?'

"It's very weird, everyone knows that. But I don't mind as long as my band buddies can come, too."

"Where are your band buddies?" Kirby asked.

THE STORY LINE 109

' A young musician egg with an accordion jumped up. "I'll go with you, little pup!"

THE STORY LINE 108

' And with that insult--not just to Kirby, but to the knishes at Liebmann's, which are always fresh and hot--they hopped back into the box.

"Are there no eggs willing to have a little faith in me?" Kirby asked.

THE STORY LINE 107

' "You are asking me to prove that something will not happen in the future," Kirby argued. "I can tell you that I'm not the same little lost puppy I was when this all started."

"No, you're a little lost puppy with bunny ears," crowed the rooster egg.

"Give it up," said the bunny egg. "You are as much about Easter as a cold knish at Liebmann's deli."

THE STORY LINE 106

' The rooster egg jumped up to the ledge.

"You're with me?" said Kirby.

"No, I'm with the bunny," he crowed. "We're going nowhere once you reconnect with the folks."

"I'm not like that," Kirby explained.

"Prove it," said the rooster.

THE STORY LINE 105

' "Come clean," said an egg decorated with a bunny. "You're just using the holiday to go and find your family."

"That's how this all started," said Kirby. "Now I have an obligation to take over the Easter Bunny's rounds."

"Rounds, schmounds, as soon as you find your family, you're putting down the basket and begging for treats yourself."

"No, that won't happen!" Kirby insisted. "But don't come with me if that's what you think. There are other eggs who will come with me--aren't there?"

THE STORY LINE 104

' "Where are you going?" asked the eggs.

"Where am I going?!" Kirby cried. "I'm going all over to bring the message of Easter."

"We don't think so," said the eggs.

"What do you mean?"

THE STORY LINE 103

'Kirby tiptoed into the box carefully, as if walking on--well, eggshells. So many great eggs. "Who wants to come with me?' he asked.

THE STORY LINE 102

' "These eggs are extraordinary--too good for me to take from you," Kirby said to the Bunny.

"Nonsense," said the Bunny. "Eggs are meant to be shared. Have a look and take whichever ones you need."

THE STORY LINE 101

'Inside were the most wonderful eggs Kirby had ever seen, not just Easter Eggs, but Christmas Eggs, New Year's Eggs, Mid-Summer Eggs, too. Eggs even for Pagans and Druids, for Muslim and Jew.

THE STORY LINE 100

' "It smells like eggs," said Kirby. "Really good eggs. But it's not a basket."

"I told you I don't like to keep all my eggs in one basket--that means I also don't like to keep them all in baskets. Have a look inside."

THE STORY LINE 99

'Kirby entered the Bunny's house and saw a large box with festive decoration.
"What a pretty box," he said.

"Isn't it?' said the Bunny. "What do you think is inside?"

THE PIRATE COMMANDEERS THE STORY!

"Arrrrrgh! I heard there were eggs, and cupcakes and all manner of delectables, so of course I wanted samples for my crew. The puppy was a pushover.

Since it's Halloween, we got our fill of fresh candy by going door to door dressed as children who were pretending to be pirates." The Pirate sighed. "It's the most wonderful time of the year. Now we can sail on."

So it's The Pirate's fault! No wonder the Easter Puppy story is still not done.
Can we please just get this puppy some eggs?

THE STORY LINE 98

"Would you be willing to share a basket of them with me?" asked Kirby?

"No, I'm just teasing you, because everyone knows how much fun it is to tease a puppy. Yes, you can have some eggs!"

THE STORY LINE 97

"Pssst! Come over here!" called the Bunny in the window. I've got a basket of eggs! Even better, I've got baskets full of eggs--I hate to keep them all in one basket."

THE STORY LINE 96

''Kirby was about to slink back to Spike in defeat, when he heard a stirring at the window of the house."

THE STORY LINE 95

"I guess I'll just go back to Spike and beg him for his hoard of candy." The prospect of returning, defeated, was not a happy one, but what else could Kirby do?

THE STORY LINE 94

"Aw, forget it, Spike was right," he thought. "People want candy. I can't jump in for the real Easter Bunny and change everything all in one night. I'm going to look ridiculous."

THE STORY LINE 93

'Kirby rehearsed his lines inside his furry little head for the hundredth time:
The Easter Bunny was feeling ill from too much candy, and asked me to bring fresh delicious vegetables to everybody!

Who wants the kale?

Who, indeed, Kirby wondered, losing his nerve.

THE STORY LINE 92

'In the early hours of the morning, Kirby came up to a house where the family was clearly waiting for the Easter Bunny, and had placed an invitation in the window. This would be his test.'

THE STORY LINE 91

"I hope your Reality Show is a big hit," he called out. "I hope it makes you lots of real friends!"

Still silence. Kirby sighed and prepared to complete the Easter rounds.

THE STORY LINE 90

"Well, I ain't gonna be your low-down dog no more," Kirby said, feeling blue. "And I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you certainly gonna miss me when I'm gone away." He paused for a reply. There was none.

THE STORY LINE 89

"I'm getting my own Reality Show on TV," Spike said. "A certain cable network wants me. I'm going to tell my audience what a low down dog you are."

THE STORY LINE 88

"Um, OK, if you must," said Kirby. "But who exactly is this everybody? You lamented that you had no friends, whacked the bunnies who might have been helpful, and lied to my face. Who is going to listen to you?"

THE STORY LINE 87

"Me apologize to you?" Spike scoffed. "Never! Never in a million billion quotillion years! Plus, I'm going to tell everyone that you are not an innocent puppy--you are a scheming, double-crossing publicity hound!"

THE STORY LINE 86

' "I am so sorry if you really think I've been mean to you, and maybe we can be friends at some point. An apology of some kind might help."

THE STORY LINE 85

' "Maybe some time by myself will make me really, really mad, and I'll sit and stew and feel sorry for myself and wonder why you were so mean to me!" called Spike.

THE STORY LINE 84

' "Perhaps some time to yourself will help you understand that you should not go beating up on bunnies," Kirby said.

THE STORY LINE 83

' Why is it, Kirby wondered, when someone behaves badly, they too often try to make it seem as if you're the one who has done something wrong?